Possibly a really bad idea.
2009-03-17 7:27 a.m.

I was on the loo early this morning, reading Stephen Fry's autobiography Moab Is My Washpot and came across a small section about two friends he met in college who went off to become priests and failed horribly. This was at the same time as I was thinking I really needed a Brazilian 'doo down there. (That's an Australian Bikini Wax of sorts) but who would ever see it, so what's the hurry? Wax burns hurt, never mind having half your thatch yanked out by a large yet thorough woman named Inga. I decided then and there that I would become a nun. Now what kind of nun? First of all, who would take me? Possibly a Buddhisty kind of nun.

Then again, no one should make life altering decisions while on a cold toilet seat at four in the morning while reading a flamboyantly gay British man's autobiography. I should be a bit more, I believe the word is discerning. Or possibly drunk. Your choice. I think I'll call the spa and just have them rub me down with nice smelling oil. My revelations during those times seem a bit more ethereal and less life and thatch changing.

Any suggestions?

4 People have tried to sell me Viagra
Arm walker cane thingies.
2009-03-17 12:32 a.m.

Mondays are hard on me. I think they're hard on everyone, but seriously, I'm afraid I'm going to have to have those bilateral arm walker cane thingies. I have no idea what you call them other than bilateral arm walker cane thingies. Seriously, what the hell do you do when your ankles hurt too much to walk on them and your already on medication that would probably kill a large drug free Elk? Luckily, driving stick isn't a problem. I also figure I can loose a scary amount of weight and that might help. The smaller I am, the less weight will have to go on the ankles. My BMI is at the highest part of healthy, but if I get down to the lowest part of healthy or highest part of unhealthy A.K.A. Nicole Please Eat a Sandwich (NPEAS ) (are you keeping up with this?) then maybe it would help. I don't think I can heal the granulomas or arthritis or neuropathy or whatever the fuck has settled down there and only likes to eat large amounts of injectable steroids. Yummy. If I had arm sticks I could also hit people children with them. Possibly lift up the skirts on cute girls? We've come full circle so let's stop here shall we?

1 People have tried to sell me Viagra
The Double Fashion Citation
2009-03-13 6:46 a.m.

Double CitationI had to take this picture in my car the other day because I couldn't believe that these girls were both wearing their flannel pajama bottoms out in public, as their like, real outfit. At first I immediately dismissed it, thinking, oh those poor girls were both released from the hospital and now they have to walk home. Then I thought perhaps they were really sick and had to go to the store for Nyquil. Together. Dressed alike. Then I thought perhaps they were in a new sport that I hadn't heard about. Team Flannel street walking. It gets you ready for a life in the streets but in a warmer, softer, fuzzier way. Then it just finally hit me. Like a load of mayonaise. These were the clothes these girls wore to school and now they were on their way home to. What the hell do you take off and say "Oh god, that feels better!" Personally, I take off my heels, bra, and control top tights and say "Whoo hoo! Damn, that feels good." Maybe their nudists and say: "Omigod, it's no nice taking off these pajamas and wearing nothing! I think I'll go exfoliate now and get even more comfortable." I can be lazy. I can be super lazy. But at least I fake going to a yoga class when I want to wear my black yoga pants out of the house. And I put on a bra. And a cute little hoodie. And lipstick. Maybe perfume. And my Vans.

The most hilarious part of this picture is I had the perfect picture set up of their backsides and then one girl turned around. I took the picture then pretended I was having phone problems. The light still handn't changed so I faked a phone call along with wild gesticulations and fake laughter.

Sheesh. I know some school teachers and librarians read this. Do girls really wear this crap at school? *sigh* I think they should be banned. I also think we should start a nationwide wedgie pledge that every time some guy's pants and below his butt cheeks (You know you've seen this) then the world has free reign to grab the guy's underwear and pull it up over his head. He's already in a pre-wedged position. What's stopping us? His pants are tied tightly around his legs. He can't chase you and his friends will be laughing too hard to care.

Ick with the flannel pants in public and if I can see all of your underwear you're going to be wedgeified into sterility. As long as we're all clear on the subject.

11 People have tried to sell me Viagra

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