Snarkalicious or too much time on my swollen hands.
2006-10-15 2:36 p.m.
Someone left a snarky anonymous comment on my blog. I've been very lucky here at diaryland, the last snarky comment I got was about three years ago when I mentioned in passing my world famous jerk chicken recipe and I was attacked by a vegan. This immediately caused a huge uproar from my friends and it was an all out tofu versus spicy chicken kebab food fight in my comments section. I'd link to it but I had to switch my comments to Haloscan due to spam. Thanks to the verbacious vegan I have solved this problem by not eating anything since 2003.
But I digress.
So it was borderline snarky from someone who obviously doesn't know that my immune system nearly killed me last year and I'm slowly climbing out of the hole of diagnostic tests, monthly blood drainings, chemotherapy drugs, steroids and other assorted pills and injections. The gist was I need to get out of my house and quit making videos. See below, I'll wait here. Hum dee dum. *whistling* Okay, back?
Well, if they're so utterly offensive to you, don't watch them. Don't come back here and read if I annoy you. I'm sorry that I'm not as healthy as you are and can blog about walking 10,000 steps a day on my pedometer and take oh so cool pictures of our fair city's architecture.
But KFK, you said the comment was anonymous. Dear readers, nothing on the internet is anonymous. Haloscan registers people's isp addresses when they leave a comment. Then you go to here and type it in and you'll find out where the commenter lives. Then google their monicker, do some reading, a little more research and viola! you find their blog. I would post it but like I said, it was borderline snarky and we know that people aren't always good at expressing themselves on the internet and I'm not very good at interpreting them. Although, it certainly didn't feel complimentary and I cried myself to sleep snuggling my internet voodoo doll was suspicious that they didn't leave their blog address.
Plus, I discovered, there is two degrees of separation from me and said commenter. Yes, someone listed under Offsite Bloggers links to a blogger who links to the commenter. What's a girl to do? There's a chance I could actually end up at a party in the future and bump into this guy. At which point I'll rip his pedometer off his waist, throw it to the ground and jump up and down on it until it's in 10,000 little pieces I'll hold out my hand and say "Hi, my names Kungfukitten. It's a pleasure to meet you. You look so familiar!"
Where?
2006-10-13 5:06 p.m.
Sometimes I'll go to fill up the cat food dish and I'll find this:
I know which cat does this. I've been in the bathtub and have seen Loki poking through the remnants of crunchies left in the dish. He'll sniff at them and then dig around the dish, perhaps hoping he'll strike a vein of chicken flavored Iams? Then he'll start trotting around the room and carefully placing toys into the dish. Once he even left the room completely and came back five minutes later with a toy I haven't seen in months. It makes me wonder what other things he has stashed around the house. Toys? Drugs? Shoes?
Since I was completely out of cat food (and dish soap) I went to the grocery store. I immediately fell in love with my checker because I bought a bottle of wine and she carded me. "Thank you!" I say. "Oh, come on you're not that old." She puts on her reading glasses and tries to hide her look of surprise. "You're the same age as my son," she says. "Is he single?" I ask only half joking. Of course he's married with kids. "I don't envy you," she says. "it's hard finding someone, especially at that age. There's not many good ones left." I'm starting to feel a little dejected but then our fingers touch as she hands me the receipt. We look each other in the eye and something magical happens. "Don't worry. He's out there. He's out there waiting for you," She tells me and she's so adamant that I believe it myself. As I pushed my groceries out to my car smiling softly to myself, I realized I should have asked her where.
0 People have tried to sell me ViagraNineteen days and counting.
2006-10-13 3:00 a.m.
Did you get the e-mail yesterday? Did you sign up for another November of sheer insanity? I did, without a moment's hesitation. I'm looking forward to another month of writing about sexy vampires and violent women. I toyed around with the idea of writing a science fiction space opera, another favorite genera of mine, but I'm afraid if I don't write Dave the Assasin's book he'll invade my dreams again and do more than clean his nails with that dagger of his. What am I talking about you ask? You didn't click the link? I'm talking about NaNoWriMo of course. Sign up and write a 50,000 word novel in one month. That works out to 1,667 per day. Sound insane? It totally is and the most rewarding thing you will ever do. You can find me there as Kungfukitten. Make sure to "friend" me. This will be my SIXTH year with two completed novels under my belt. I feel fairly confident I can complete a third one this year. I mean, I totally have no life and a sweet new laptop. What's holding me back?
0 People have tried to sell me ViagraTop Ten Signs Your Cat is Metrosexual.
2006-10-11 11:28 p.m.
10. Cat's purr has a distinct techno beat.
9. The Tivo gets filled with "Will and Grace" episodes while you're at work.
8. Someone keeps blacking out the "C" on the boxes of Crave cat food.
7. Cat meows with a lisp.
6. You find a stash of tiny leather hot pants with hole for tail.
5. Cat will no longer drink tap water, but insists upon imported bottled Italian water.
5. Cat keeps using your mascara on his whiskers.
4. Cat's fur has highlights.
3. Two words: Prada collar.
2. Cat sheds only on designer clothing.
1. Your cat's tail is covered in product.
Men a little help!
2006-10-11 2:16 a.m.
Okay, I have this weird feeling that I may be back on the dating scene after a year of being sequestered. I have some questions that I'd like the men to answer. I tend to screw everything up, especially at the beginning of a potentially fabulous relationship. I need some tough love, guys. What am I doing wrong?
I'm in my thirties so I'm not going to pretend to be a virgin or play the coy scared girl. If a cute guy is pawing at me and the sparks are flying, I'm going to act on my instincts and respond in kind. Does this make me seem slutty or easy? Is the three date rule still in effect? Should I be pushing your hands away, ending the date early, then hoping that you'll call for another because your balls are blue or are you going to think I'm not interested?
I have condoms. Is that bad? When should I offer them up? Never? Should I make you go to the store or stop by your apartment if you're not prepared or should I just say "I have some in my purse." Are you going to think that I'm a smart well prepared woman or are you going to think that I'm a slut?
I like having someone sleep next to me. If I like you I'm going to want to enlongate our time together. If I ask you to spend the night (after sex) will that seem like I'm pressuring you into a relationship?
PDAs: I like holding hands or putting my arm through yours when walking. If you pull away I'll get the picture and won't try it again - ever. I've tried the secret footsies under the table and gotten no encouragement and maybe even snubbed. If a guy doesn't want to touch me in front of his friends, does that mean he isn't into me? Ashamed of me? Wants to seem single to the other girls there? What's going on?
If you're seriously eyeing me at a club/bar/nightclub and I give you my phone number will you call? Is it being too bold? What's better: a business card, calling card or napkin?
Hey girls, do you have any questions you'd like to ask the men? Post 'em in the comments! Guys please advise, I'm just asking for honesty and how you would feel/react. No judgement. The male mind is a mystery to me and I always seem to screw things up.
0 People have tried to sell me ViagraWith every day tern turn tern.
2006-10-10 12:09 a.m.
I've been messing around on Stickam.com. So far I've been underwhelmed, but I think that's because I have no friends there. So if you're on there please friend me! I think it would be great fun to set up a weekly KFK chat room and goof around with you folks online. I love my new computer and the built in webcam (iSight) and aside from making movies I'd love to video chat with actual people I know or virtually know and the cool thing about Stickam is that you can get audio too! We could all put our cats online and have a meow off! Seriously, check it out.
My neighbor/gardener flagged me down today as he was pushing his four month old in her carriage. I don't know what the it is, but cute young men with a baby sends my body into a complete tissy fit. My ovaries simultaneously squealed like tie fighters and released eggs everywhere. All I needed were X-Wing sperm to - okay, we're going to stop that analogy right there. I think I even managed to outgeek myself. *A-hem* Anywhoo, he flagged me down and told me that he tried to trim my Hell Tree (years ago the city planted a bunch of horrible trees on our sidewalk at ten foot intervals to make everything lovely and green. However, these trees drip sap all summer long, attract hornets and aphids and during ice storms fall apart and rip down all our power lines) but the branches were all tied up with the power lines, so I should call the power company and they'd come out and trim it for me, free of charge.
"Okey-dokey" I said and filed it somewhere in my brain next to "buy dishsoap" and "why do they call those birds terns? Do they actually turn a lot?" When I got home from work there was a note taped to my front door that said "KFK, I called the power company for you." How fricking sweet is that? One less thing I have to worry about. Now, if I could only remember to buy that damn dish soap.
For some bizarre reason I am the number one Yahoo! hit for "high heels crushing balls." Boy, are these people going to be disappointed when they come across instead a recipe for cookies. Sorry. They're good cookies though, you really should try them.
0 People have tried to sell me ViagraGood, bad, worse advice.
2006-10-09 1:05 a.m.
In improv we do a game called "Good Bad Worse Advice." Basically, there is a host of the show and three guests who all give advice on a certain subject. I filmed four characters who were all talking about how to pick up men. Then I spliced the videos together to create a talk show. It was really difficult and took me forever. First of all, I'm still trying to figure out how to cut and splice the "film" together seamlessly. There's also a wardrobe malfunction and me pushing a cat off the chair - no scratching! So it's truly an improvised show! As usual, the funniest character is the last. Special guest starn is my stuffed penguin Milkshake who has lived with me since 1984. I was never a horsey girl, I was a penguin girl. I know what they say about girls and horses. I'm not sure about penguins. Enjoy.
0 People have tried to sell me Viagra