The Force is in Your Pants.
2006-10-07 6:48 p.m.
I went to get my pulmonary function tests done yesterday. Like a good girl I was fifteen minutes early for my appointment. Of course my technician was running behind. I sat in that darn waiting room read the same piece of the paper over and over again and watched the all the sick people come and go until I finally got fed up and stomped back into their office and said sweetly: "Do we need to reschedule?" "No, no, she'll be right out." So after 45 minutes of watching everyone else get treatment and go home, I was finally led into the testing room.
Pulmonary function tests are weird. The lock you in a small plexiglass box and you have to put on a nose clip and wrap you mouth around a white plastic tube as they measure your breathing. Sounds easy but you have to breathe in weird ways. They want you to empty your lungs all the way, fill them up all the way, forcefully exhale, inhale and pant. The panting part is weird because they cut off your oxygen so it feels like you're breathing against nothing but it's measuring something (the force of your pants? *giggle* not to be confused with the force in your pants). The good news: I'm really good at taking this test. I was totally compliant and did not have to redo any of the parts. The bad news: I've lost some lung function. Not a lot but this disease damaged my lungs a wee bit. I probably have scar tissue somewhere. So we'll see if HPD wants me to get another CT scan of my chest or if we'll just sit and wait and see what happens now that I'm off the methotrexate. This week's comic is done and it's about being sick. Fancy that!
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Some call him God, I just call him Dad.
2006-10-06 9:38 p.m.
My parent's cat, Gizmo, is under the impression that my father controls the weather. Whenever it rains for more than a couple of days and she's forced to stay inside, she takes out all of her aggression on dad's ankles. As it's been raining for a few days, my dad's ankles are a bloody scratched up mess. In order to instill some peace in the household, my mother cut the weather report out of the newspaper which shows that it's going to be sunny this weekend and taped it above the cat's food dish. The logic being, the cat will read this and leave my father alone, because she knows that warm weather is on its way. And people wonder why I'm weird.
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I did it.
2006-10-05 7:37 p.m.
I submitted my two pictures to the 2006 Blogger's Boobie-thon (The main page is always Work Safe so clicky clicky). What is Boobie-thon you may ask? Well, bloggers submit pictures of their fabulous boobies. Covered boobies are free to look at and very fun. To see the bloggers naked boobies you must donate $50 to Breast Cancer research and you will gain unlimited access. Woo-hoo! They are accepting submissions until Saturday October 7th, 2006, noon EST, so get on it! Take it off! Men too! I encourage everyone, if not to submit a photo (You know you want to) then to please donate. You don't even have to do the $50 to see the uncovered boobies. Donate $10.00, $25.00 or $37.89. Whatever. I'm sure if you're clever you can even figure out which ones are mine. I'm not giving any hints.
My Aunt (married into the family not blood related) was diagnosed with breast cancer a few years ago. She's doing fine right now but had to go through the lumpectomy, radiation and chemotherapy and the fear that she's passed this gene onto her daughter, my beloved cousin and her daughters. She also has to live with the fear of recurrence.
I read medical records for a living and have been doing this for ten years now. When I first started, I'd sometimes put death certificates into files of women who had lost their battle with breast cancer. We've actually come a very long way in a short period of time. Now these women are off work for one really difficult year of treatment and then are back to work. Some still have to deal with chronic pain, anxiety and depression, but the majority of these women are kicking this disease in the ass and getting back on with their lives. How fucking cool is that?
So. Show us your tits!
0 People have tried to sell me ViagraMy Own Private Tripod.
2006-10-05 12:48 a.m.
I was lying on the couch and scatching my ass as one is wont to do when one's ass requires scratching, when I noticed a huge lump. Such things cannot go uninvestigated, so I ran/limped into the bathroom to inspect my posterior. Either I grew a huge tumor below my left butt cheek this afternoon or a spider the size of one of my cats chomped on my ass. WTF? WTF I ask you? Don't you think I'd notice that? Seriously, it's huge. I'd take a picture of it, but it's in a somewhat sensitive area and frankly I don't have time to airbrush out that much cellulite. Memo to self: Start doing lunges again.
As I am a bone fide hypochondriac, I decided I must have contracted West Nile Virus or possibly Epstein Barr Virus or some sort of Rocky Mountain Spotted Rocky Road Virus. Most likely, I've simulteneously acquired all three of them. It only makes sense, you see, I've felt rather craptacular lately. When I was driving home from work yesterday, my clutch leg started shaking every time I had to brake or shift. Then in the middle of the night my chest started shaking. It was the weirdest thing. I thought perhaps it was some sort of anxiety attack but my heart wasn't racing. I think it's Methotrexate withdrawal. I didn't read anything that said it should be tapered like Prednisone, but that's the only thing that's changed in my regimen. I took my temperature tonight and I am my usual reptilian 96.2, which sounds more like a radio station than a temperature:
Hi there and welcome to Kungfukitten's Body 96.2, next up we have The Damned's "Sick of Being Sick" followed by the Thompson Twin's "Doctor Doctor" and Run DMC's "You Be Illin!" I'm your host FiFi Meringue, and I'll be poppin pills, getting ill and drinking my fill till ninja neighborhood watch goes to bed.
Memo from The Management (that's me): you'll see I've updated the offsite bloggage on the right side to add two new bloggers I've been reading. You've probably seen Mistress Sky hanging out in the comments section. She's a funny, smart and saucy writer. She posts erotica and naughty (but oh so cute) pictures, so you youngsters wait until you're eighteen to click. Probably NSFW. Mistress Matisse is a professional dominatrix in Seattle (my old stomping grounds!) and writes a column for The Stranger. She's very smart, funny and her patience with morons makes her worthy of sainthood. Again, I have a lot of young readers, she's an adult writer, kiddos. If you're under eighteen go here. Heck, if you're over eighteen go there. (Vote for Zoe that's Tracy's kitten).
0 People have tried to sell me ViagraC And T
2006-10-03 12:26 p.m.
I get a whole lot of google hits on cat care. Usually, it's actually formed as one long question. I've been collecting these and thought I'd try to answer all of the cat care questions here to the best of my knowledge:
1) When will my cats claws fall out? Dear Lord, hopefully never! You can buy a claw trimmer for five bucks at the pet supply store and trim them yourself. If your cat doesn't seem to like this then try to sneak up on them while they are sleeping and trim them. You can also ask your vet to put on Soft Paws which are tiny rubber colorful claw covers. Very cute! It's like Lee Press On Nails for cats!
2) Why is my cat panting? Your cat is either hot or having an anxiety attack. Cool him off and calm him down!
3) Do kittens lose their baby teeth? Yes, between the ages of three and seven months cats will lose their baby teeth just like human children. I tried really hard to find my kitties baby teeth, but was unsuccessful. Rumor is they tend to swallow them while eating or they fall out during grooming sessions.
4) Why won't my cat pee in the litter box? Well, did you clean it? If it's clean and somewhere quiet and safe, your cat may have a urinary tract infection. It hurts when they pee and in their infinite wisdom, they think it's their littlerbox hurting them and avoid it. Take kitty to the vet ASAP.
5) Why does my cat try to lay on me when it's hot outside? A cat's average temperature is 100 degrees. On a hot day you feel nice and cool to them.
6) Why does my cat bring me live mice (moles, bunnies, birds, bats, etc.)? Cats have a changing relationship with their owners. Sometimes they will be the baby and sometimes they will play the mommy. Your cat is trying to be a good mother by teaching you to hunt on your own by throwing live game at your feet and encouraging you to chase it.
7) My cat is sneezing yellow snot. What should I do? Your cat has a sinus infection, take him to the vet ASAP for antibiotics!
8) Why does my cat purr when I'm taking her to the vet? She hates the vet. Cats can purr when they are unhappy or feeling scared. It's called nervous purring.
9) Why does my cat lick me? Cats in groups will groom each other to create a "nest scent" it's their way of bonding with you.
10) Why does my cat open his mouth when he's smelling something? Cats have an extra scent gland on the roof of their mouth. By keeping his mouth open, he can get a better whiff of the scent.
0 People have tried to sell me ViagraWorn out, South Park and Straws.
2006-10-03 12:09 a.m.
For some reason today was terribly hard on me. I had a ton of work to do and then when I finally got home I collapsed on the couch and nibbled on a low fat tostado salad thing I picked up on the way home, because I knew I wasn't going to be up for making dinner. Even if dinner was putting a plastic container in the microwave for five minutes.
I went to take a brief nap and my cats were totally misbehaving. Loki was sticking his claws up my nose and Trinity was trying to destroy my iPod clock radio thing. I finally grabbed and held Trin in my arms until she fell asleep and Loki gave up his nasal exploration and wrapped himself around my toes and we all fell asleep in a kitten pile for two and a half hours. When I woke up I finished my novel and cried uncontrollably at the happy ending.
I then decided to quit crying and watch some mind numbing television: South Park. Trin just jumped up on the couch next to me and spit out a straw on my lap. I have no idea where she got it from. "Uh, Thanks," I said, eyeing my Diet Coke with her. There were a lot of teeth marks in my new straw, I wasn't sure if it would work, but it's the thought that counts, right? I think it was a kind of peace offering for being such a naughty cat earlier. I told her I'd save it for later.
0 People have tried to sell me ViagraThe Eight Stages of Drinking Alone
2006-10-01 11:11 p.m.
Another improv video! It's been about eight months since I've been able to drink and now that I'm off Methotrexate, I thought it was only fair if I made a Public Service Announcement regarding the dangers of drinking alone. Personally, my favorite is Stage Five: Remorse. It gets funnier and faster the longer it goes and I'm certain most of you can relate. Like the saying goes: If you can't be a good example then be a horrible warning to others. I tried to tone down the language too but there's a bit of swearing in it. Damn it.
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