I am selling the urine on e-bay.
2007-03-03 12:28 a.m.

You're so vein, you probably think this medical condition is about you. 8/365I had to go in for my bimonthly* blood tests today. I know I've said this before, but I love the fact that my HMO emails me my test results. So very cool. Within two hours they were in my inbox. Everything was normal, although my white blood cells and hemacrit are the lowest end of normal, which could explain some of my fatigue. I'm attempting the 365 day project on Flickr and wanted to capture today's bloodletting. "Can I take a picture of you drawing my blood?" She started hemming and hawing and freaking out. I explained that I was just going to take a picture of my arm and not her. (You know how some women are about pictures). She was still uncomfortable. So uncomfortalbe she ran and asked her supervisor for permission. "What the hell do I care!" he said throwing up his hands and stomping back into his office. I understand not wanting cameras in casinos and banks but, really, were they afraid I was going to figure out their security system and break in late at night and steal my blood back and take all the urine samples? The other nurse thought it was neato and stood over my shoulder so she could see the picture. I explained the project to them and why I wanted the picture. "What class is this for?" The freaked out one asked me. "It's just a group of people on the internet." I explained. "Well, I wouldn't know about that. I don't like computers." I think I'd die without my computer.

*I have to go every eight weeks. Why does bimonthly mean twice a month AND every other month? I vote we make up a new word for twice a month. Twimonthly. Start using it.

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One bad pussy.
2007-03-01 10:02 p.m.

The Cat's in the BagRight when I went to bed last night Trin woke up and decided to keep me up all fricking night. She'd do donuts on the bed, try to trip down the mosquito netting over my bed, push the books off my bedside table, chew on my clock radio, try to eat the straps off my bra on the floor, attempted to rip down the curtains, went through my shoe closet and rearranged all of my shoes, and on and on and on. Oh my goddess. She was the most destructive and busy cat in the world. If she wasn't so darn cute she's be locked in my underwear drawer. Do they make tiny S&M feline restraints? Maybe a large hamster ball? My plan tonight is to keep her up until I go to sleep. She was all curled up in her basket sleeping early this evening and I pulled her out, telling her that she was staying up. She had drool in her whiskers and was squinting into the light. "See, how do you like it?" "Mew?" She was so freaking adorable that I carried her around kissing her and apologizing. Right now both of them are curled up next to me on the couch. I'll pet her from time to time to keep her from going into a deep sleep. We are all getting eight hours of sleep tonight even if everyone gets a v@lium. I'm so tired.

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Your fifteen minutes are up.
2007-02-27 6:26 p.m.

Holy bat guano Batman! I was in the freaking paper. If anyone has a copy of the February 9 Oregonian in their garage I'll gladly take it off your hands. Here's the article online at Oregonlive. This is the second time I've been featured in a local periodical. Wicked.

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Sing to me.
2007-02-27 5:34 p.m.

Don't you want me baby?I've been inspired by Smed (doesn't his blog name just cry out for a nickname? Smedly do Right, the Smedinator, Smedster, Smedarooni) to come up with a female karaoke CD. I need your imput. I tend to sing the same couple of songs every time I go out. Part of it's my register. I used to be a squeaky high soprano but I think age, screaming at concerts, smoking cigars and repetetive strep throat when I worked at the day care, has ravaged my vocal chords. I'd like to find some more songs that are not only fun to sing but are fun for other people to listen to. You know how it's such a downer to go from some rocking songs where people are dancing and everyone's singing along at their table and then some idiot gets up to sing a Lionel Ritchie ballad, totally spoiling everyone's karaoke buzz. Here's the songs that I have sung or want to sing when I go out, please recommend more in the comments.

1) I Will Survive - Gloria Gaynor
2) It's Raining Men - Weather Girls
3) I Touch Myself - Divinyls
4) Borderline - Madonna
5) All I Wanna Do - Sheryl Crow
6) That Don't Impress Me Much - Shania Twain
7) Every Little Thing She Does is Magic - The Police
8) Sweet Child 'O Mine - Guns and Roses
9) Take a Picture - Filter
10) Punk Rock Girl - Dead Milkmen

No one better recommend that "Black Velvet" song because at every karaoke all around the world there are at least six women in every bar singing that song and I'm sick of it. Aren't you? What other songs are you sick of? Probably "I Will Survive" but it always brings down the house! "These Boots" is overdone quite a bit too.

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Climb that mountain.
2007-02-26 6:58 p.m.

Reason 17 of Why Steroids Suck! 4/365Today was exhausting. First I went to the doctor's office on the north side of town to get my eyes checked. I complained of my left eye not working right. It's blurry all the time and very dry. I thought it was simply a dry eye problem. It is, but I also have a fucking cataract. I nearly jumped out of the chair and smacked my head on the ceiling. I'm in my thirties (still) don't old people get cataracts? I don't have a walker, a garden weasel or shake my fist and tell kids to get off my lawn. Why am I getting cataracts? Stupid steroids. I guess it's better that the alternative of going completely blind. Grumble grumble.

So I was poking around on the Laurell K. Hamilton message board on Amazon. I stopped reading the Anita Blake vampire hunter books at Cerulean Sins because of the reviews everyone was giving her new books. Apparently she's sexed up her prose something fierce and neglected plot and action/adventure. I was driving out to Gresham after work to my other doctors appointment, and pondering this. Apparently, the character of Richard was based on her ex-husband which is why he's always a jerk and unwilling to let her go (or her him depending upon your view) and Micah is based upon her new husband (a character that not many people are keen on). The only thing I remember about Micah is that he had an incredibly large, like super natural large, penis. I wondered if her new husband had an insanely large penis and that's why she's suddenly writing strictly erotica and not action adventure any more. Then I started giggling. My giggling turned to outright laughter and soon I was into crazy lady maniacal laughing. I toned it down from there becuase people were beginning to stare and I wasn't sure what was after crazy lady maniacal laughing. Possibly car accident straight jacket laughing. It sounds like Ms. Hamilton is having really great sex, climbing that mountain, so to speak and really needs to tie up (pun totally intended) the Anita Blake series and start fresh in the Erotica genera. I loved Anita Blake but it's no longer what it once was and if erotica is truly her calling then she needs to pursue it and have great sex on the side. *giggle*

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Spontaneous Computer Love Poetry
2007-02-26 10:00 a.m.

After getting all hot and sweaty seeing young Mr. Potter neked I thought some computer generated love poetry would be appropriate. Found via Nerdygirl.

My Love

Your skin glows like the pear,
blossoms darling as the jasmine,
in the purest hope of spring.
My heart follows your violin voice,
and leaps like a meerkat at the whisper of your name.
The evening floats in on a great hummingbird wing.
I am comforted by your knickers,
that I carry into the twilight,
of lipsbeams and hold next to my ear.
I am filled with hope that I may,
dry your tears of ambrosia.
As my thigh falls from my sleeve,
it reminds me of your tapestry.
In the quiet, I listen for the last sigh of the day.
My heated hand leaps to my skirt.
I wait in the moonlight for your secret orange,
so that we may chase as one, hand to hand,
in search of the magnificient violet and mystical breast of love.

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