What not to do with a heart monitor.
2007-11-28 2:15 a.m.

I went to the doctor's today and they aren't sure why I fainted and why my heart rate was beating like a humming bird on cocaine and redbull. I'm sure there's a hip name for that, but I'm not hip. Yo. Sometime soon they're going to give me a Holter Monitor to wear for 24 hours so they can see what my ticker does during a normal day. I feel kind of sorry for the person who has to read all the print outs day after day and thought maybe I should spice up their life a little bit by doing some fun things to make my Holter Monitor reading as interesting a read as possible. Things such as:

1) Volunteer as a phone sex worker.
2) Do a headstand for an hour.
3) Find a cute guy and fool around for a couple of hours.
4) Schedule some time in a sensory deprivation chamber.
5) Get an hour long massage.
6) Dodge traffic back and forth across Hawthorne on foot.
7) Run up ten flights of stairs.
8) Drink five quadruple shot Starbuck's lattes.
9) Eat chocolate covered coffee beans for lunch.
10) Call every ex boyfriend I've ever had an tell him I have developed a suspicious looking pimple on my nose and he should probably go to the doctor and get his nose checked out too, just to be safe.
11) Spin around in a circle really fast until I'm so dizzy I fall over.

Then again, I've noticed medical personnel don't have much of a sense of humor. I think it's the whole drop dead, get sued thing, that makes them roll their eyes at my antics instead of giving me a high five.

0 People have tried to sell me Viagra

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