I curse you on behalf of Brother Crow.
2006-05-20 7:42 p.m.
Once again I was walking to the Quickie Mart for a Diet Coke run and to get a little exercise. I was kind of drifting off into a day dream of sorts, it was warm outside and strangely quiet. I guess everyone was eating dinner. Even ADD Denis the Menace wasn't terrorizing the neighborhood. I was suddenly snapped out of my reverie by gunfire. There was a guy on his front porch firing over the head of his three year old daughter at what I think was a crow on the telephone wire across the street. What the fuck. What the fuck I ask you. Isn't that illegal? Isn't it just plain stupid? Isn't it irresponsible to teach your children that killing animals is fun. I mean that's how serial killers start out. The bastard seemed very startled to see me standing there with my mouth hanging open, looking at him, the gun, his daughter, where he was firing and back again. The normal sassy side of me would have chewed him out there and then but he was holding a rifle. Big mouth = Dead Girl on Sidewalk or at the very least another six hour trip to my HMO. I just put on the most horrified facial expression I could muster and walked away as fast as I could. Fucker.
I curse you: every time you wash your car a flock of crows will fly over head and cover your car with poop. All your hair will fall out and crows will constantly poop on your head whenever you walk outside. Your child will be taken away by Child Protective Services and raised by a foster family that will teach her to love all animals and be kind to every living thing.
4 People have tried to sell me ViagraI have a flashlight and know how to use it.
2006-05-19 11:32 p.m.
I worked the door tonight at ComedySportz. I'm building up my apprentice points. The owner always gives me a thanks and hey, it's nice to feel useful. Everyone kept telling me how great I looked. Yeah, illness will do that to you. I look skinny and feverish. I had to sneak into the back and lie down a couple of times when I thought I was going to pass out and/or throw up, but other than that it was pretty great. I was dressed as a bouncer: steel toed shoes, black jeans, and black CZ t-shirt. Unlike my partner Marta who was in cream and pink argyle. We got to play good cop/bad cop while wrangling the crowd for the late show. People kept trying to sneak in - not on our watch!
John if you're reading this, I have one word for you: spaghetti.
It was hot in there. I can't tell you how many cases of water I dragged up to the front. Well, I guess I can, it was like three. I had fun molesting Karen by shoving cans of pop in the pockets of her overalls. Part of my bouncer duties included keeping the fridge stocked, hugging people, flirting shamelessly with Ken and selling snacks.
Right now, I'm home lying on the couch now rather than meeting the crowd at McMenamins for food/beer. My ankles are doing this horribly painful throbbing thing. I took a handful of pills but they haven't kicked in yet. If they don't soon I'm going to chew my legs off at the shin and reattach them later when they quit hurting. It's like having carpal tunnel in your ankles if that makes any sense. Stupid nerves. Stupid stupid nerves.
The late show was garBski two young women doing a sketch comedy about a road trip - with some one sided lesbian overtones. They were fucking hilarious. They used two chairs and lots of little props, including twinkies. (By the way darlings, garbski.com is available. You should snap it up before some Canadian hockey player does). They had me laughing uncontrollably. When I laugh without abandon I howl. It's not quite like a banshee howl. It's closer to the sound that a sheep would make if you snuck up on it and squeezed it really hard. They had be bleating uncontrollably. Good times. good times.
1 People have tried to sell me ViagraWink.
2006-05-17 10:40 p.m.
I was going to do a typical KFK is sexually frustrated whiny as hell entry, but then I realized that I don't really have the right to whine. I haven't been dating primarily because I'm completely out of circulation. I leave my house to go to work for a few hours and that's it. Even at work, I only talk to people in the elevator and the two girls that I work right next to.
I took down my Match.com profile last fall when I was semi involved with someone and my health was failing - or at least doing intereting things like swelling and paralysis. Trust me, I wasn't fun to date, or very fun to look at for that matter. I was either puffy cheeked or half of my face was paralyzed and I was drooling. Yeah. Sexy.
Now I'm just drugged and fatigued. I'd love to find a non-squeamish guy who would be willing to inject my sexy ass full of methotrexate. Did anyone see House this week where Cuddy had House inject her full of hormones? Yeah, like that. *Fans self*
I was listening to NPR this week and there was a woman on it who spent a year of saying "yes" to anyone who asked her out. She even had a fallafel with a homeless man. Eventually she met her husband who was some sort of highly sucessful pulitzer prize dude. Of course. I don't think I have the stamina for such an adventure but I did offer to work the door at ComedySprotz this weekend. My first step in getting out there and mingling. Now I just have to figure out what to wear. What says ill, but not contagious and easy?
3 People have tried to sell me ViagraThings I don't recommend doing number 87.
2006-05-17 1:53 p.m.
I do not recommend putting chili flakes on your lean cuisine pizza to spice it up then suddenly decide to put in your contact lenses without washing your hands. Goodness, gracious eyeballs of fire. I'm still crying.
4 People have tried to sell me ViagraNo puke is good puke.
2006-05-16 11:50 p.m.
I don't think my house ever cooled down from yesterday. It's still 83 fricking degrees in here. I'm sitting in front of the swamp cooler in a tank top, panties and scrunchie. I don't like this hot weather. I know I threaten to get air conditioning every year but when I start getting heat stroke in May I think I may have to break down and do it. It's just too darn hot and I get heat stroke so very easily. I do like the lose ten pounds in ten minutes part but the rest sucks.
I've been following the Oregon Primary election results online because a friend of mine is running for judge. At last check she was in second place. She's damn smart and one of the coolest judges I know. It'd be a shame if she didn't get this.
I think my joints are taking a turn for the worse. Despite injecting myself full of chemicals and taking a vast array of prettily colored pills, I'm still in a lot of pain. I can't hold a pen to write with, although for some reason I can type fairly easily. The back of my right knee with swell without warning and I'll go all limpy for a few days. I have what feels like bilateral carpal tunnel syndrome and epicondylitis. I'll wake up at 5:00am because my ankles hurt like someone is electrocuting me and stabbing me with tiny knives. I feel like I'm getting worse. Injecting Methotrexate was suppose to be better, stronger, bigger. *le sigh* At least I'm not puking. Got that going for me. Thumbs up.
2 People have tried to sell me ViagraShow Down on 62nd Street.
2006-05-15 9:03 p.m.
I felt icky this morning so I worked from home. I've gotten pretty good at dragging around lots of work with me. I can work almost anywhere at any time. Although, with today's freakishly swealtering weather (98 fricking degrees) it would have been better to work somewhere air-conditioned. I pulled out the gigantic loud swamp cooler and it's helping a little bit. Loki is stretched out on the floor in front of it. His paw will reach out from under the museum table and wave now and then, that's the only way I know where he is.
When it was getting dark I took a hike up to my Quickie Mart for a Diet Coke run. On my way back I ran into Dennis the Menace, I don't know his real name. He's just the local blonde haired devil child. We've had words before. He aimed his super soaker at me and fired. He was too far away to hit me and I gave him that smile: the one that says That's cute, it's hot out but if you aim that thing at me when I'm within range I will snap your little neck faster than you can say ouch, my neck, my beautiful tiny neck. I think last time we met he was throwing rocks at the church and I yelled at him. He didn't draw on me when I walked by. There was that tense Western music and a tumbleweed floated by, but he didn't shoot.
Sunday was beautiful. I spend most of it in the dark back room of a tea house with some good friends. It was kind of a "good-bye" to Athena before she starts out on her Blissquest, her worldwide trip to find herself and some Bliss on the side. I urge you to bookmark her and possibly offer her a couch to sleep on if she ends up in your neck of the woods. I offered to be her Fairy Godmother - if she gets in a bind I'll make sure she gets home safe and she can detox in my tiny second bedroom. I plan on living vicariously through her blog.
Francesca was lamenting the fact that I don't has an RSS feed. Well, I do! In fact, everyone at Diaryland does. See linkage on the right bottom under Misc. I even registered with My Yahoo so if you have a My Yahoo page you can put KFK there and know instantaneously when I update. Just press that cute little My Yahoo! button. Viola! What a world we live in.
3 People have tried to sell me Viagra