Screaming boob sucker.
2006-04-07 6:05 p.m.
I went to the little clinic my HMO has by my house to get bloodwork done to see if the methotrexate is destoying my liver. What is that incessant whimpering sound? I have had two glasses of wine in the last eight weeks. Can you fricking believe it? I can't. Being sober sucks, although I suppose if you count the pain medication I'm taking, I'm perpetually altered.
While I sat in the waiting area I stared blankly at the baby across from me, who stared blankly back in my direction. Her name was Collette and by her mother's accent I was guessing they were Russian. There's only two technicians who take blood and they called Collette back before me to tag team her. It seems the baby was dehydrated and they could not get any blood from her. They tried her arms, hands and legs. She screamed bloody fricking murder. Non stop. I didn't realize what kind of effect this was having on me until I noticed a young woman with her arms over her womb bent forward in her chair. I noticed I was in the exact same position. Being fertile will do that to you.
At one point the nurse took a short break and tried to calm the baby down. She asked the mother "is she a thumb sucker?" Mom answered loudly "She's a boob sucker." All the men in the waiting room simultaneously made the same noise - it was a mixture of a snort and an inhale. An old lady next to me yelled into my ear. "Are they trying to kill that child!?" Eventually it was too much for the elderly couple because they took back their paperwork and left without completing their medical tests.
Thirty minutes later - I am so not kidding - they gave up on the baby and called the doctor who told them to leave the poor thing alone. Then they called me back into the lab. I sat down in the little cubicle and shrugged out of my cardigan. Mom was obviously distressed and on the phone, nursing a red hyperventilhating Collette. My blood pressure was so high due to stress, I filled two tubes in the blink of an eye.
I tried not to stare at the distressed mother. Breastfeeding doesn't bother me. I think boobs are awesome and do amazing things. Plus, if it will shut up a shrieking baby, I'm all for it. I just never know what to do with my eyes. I don't want to stare, because that's rude, but if I try too hard not too stare I end up looking at the floor or in the opposite direction and it's obvious I'm not looking which might be construed as me being uncomfortable or upset. What's the proper protocol for eye contact and a breastfeeding stranger?
3 People have tried to sell me ViagraI couldn't resist this one.
2006-04-07 12:08 a.m.
I just can't resist a good meme. I snagged this one from Cherz. iTunes as Magic 8 Ball. Ask these questions (or make up your own) then hit Party Shuffle on iTunes and viola, you have the answers to all of life's important questions:
What do you think of me, iTunes?"
Cold Cold Heart - Norah Jones
"Will I have a happy life?"
Blue - Yoko Kanno
"What do my friends really think of me?"
Just a Gigolo - Louis Prima
"Do people secretly lust after me?"
Like a Prayer - Madonna
"How can I make myself happy?"
Been Caught Stealing - Jane's Addiction
"What should I do with my life?"
Play For Today - The Cure
"Why must life be so full of pain?"
Deep Down Truth - The The
"How can I maximize my pleasure during sex?"
Becoming a Geisha - John Williams
"Will I ever have children?"
My Girl Josephine - Supercat
"Will I die happy?"
Can't Get Enough of Your Lovin - Barry White
"Can you give me some advice?"
Japanese - PePe and the Bottle Blondes
"What do you think happiness is?"
I Think I Love You - Voice of the Beehive
"What's my favorite fetish?"
Higher - Cardigans
I Kiss You.
2006-04-06 12:17 a.m.
I got this message in my MySpace inbox. Isn't this the sweetest love note ever?
"Hi, I am 35 years old. I Live Turkey in Istanbul, so you are very beatiful and very sweet and you are sexy girl. I have a camera and I want chat you because you are wanderful girl, I have messenger adress and my adress is [email protected], see you later, I wait you bye. I KISS YOU."
5 People have tried to sell me ViagraWhat your hairstyle says about you.
2006-04-05 11:49 p.m.
Super Short - People constantly mistake me for a boy and I'm okay with that.
Short and Shaggy - If you fuck with me I'll throw pixie dust in your eyes.
Big Blonde Hair - Got to snag me a man before things start sagging.
Super Tight Ponytail - My body is so tight and toned I don't need to see a hairstylist.
Hair in Scrunchy - I just pumped out another baby. Who the hell has the time to fix their hair?
Rooster Bangs - I graduated in 1987 like omigod!
Flat Ironed with Expensive Blonde Highlights - Give me an S, give me a Lut!
Long Frizzy Hair Natural Color - Bathing and shaving is bad for the environment.
Dreadlocks - Legalize it.
Dyed Black - When I'm not smoking and writing poetry I play with razor blades.
Bun - I like books and cats better than people.
Aquanet Beehive - The higher the hair, the closer to God.
Asymmetric Bob - I spend my weekends at poetry slams dressed in black.
Super Tight Cornrows - I am smiling, I just can't move my face.
Double Ponytails - My sheets are covered with unicorns.
Braids - I'm trying to get in touch with my inner child and I'm out of shampoo.
Afro - I'm incredibly hip and my hair doubles as a safety device.
Long Wavy Hair with Butterfly Barrett - I'm looking for a boyfriend.
Female Mullet - I'm looking for a girlfriend.
Feeling just a tad patriotic.
2006-04-04 6:23 p.m.
I was surfing around cyberspace looking up Latin mottos for a future tattoo when I came across a website that lists Latin mottos for each state (and Canadian provinces). I had no idea that my state even had a motto! Oregon's is Alis volat propriis which means "She flies with her own wings." Isn't that pretty? Who knew.
This led me to research more about my home state. Here's what I discovered: our state flag has a beaver on it. The state flower is the Oregon Grape. Our state tree is the Douglas Fir and the state bird is the Western Meadowlark. The state dance is the Square Dance, which you see people doing at all the hippest nightclubs. Our state fish is the Chinook Salmon. The State fruit is the pear. The state gemstone is the sunstone and our state mushroom is the Pacific golden chanterelle.
Now please stand in join me in the state song:
Land of the Empire Builders, Land of the Golden West;
Conquered and held by free men, Fairest and the best.
On-ward and upward ever, Forward and on, and on;
Hail to thee, Land of the Heroes, My Oregon!
Land of the rose and sunshine, Land of the summer's breeze;
Laden with health and vigor, Fresh from the western seas.
Blest by the blood of martyrs, Land of the setting sun;
Hail to thee, Land of Promise, My Oregon!
Who are you?
2006-04-02 10:21 p.m.
Everyone needs an alias or a few. My two most frequently used are FiFi Meringue and Yolanda Pfefferneuse. FiFi is a magician's assistant and Yolanda sells hemp clothing over the internet for hairless cats. Aliases are fun, they come in handy in bars when drunken frat boys/business nerds introduce themselves and you don't want them to know who you are (like they'll remember ten minutes later anyway). Aliases are also mysterious, you can pretend you're a spy and when someone asks you what you do for a living, you can just wink and tell them they don't have adequate clearance. With an alias you can become a completely different person, who is going to know the difference? So I invite you to create your own KFK Spy Alias. Here's how:
Girls: take the name of your cat (or family or friend's cat if for some strange reason you don't have one or twelve) and your favorite drink. For example my spy name would be Trinny Cabernet.
Boys: take the name of your dog and the model of your car. For example: Sparky Impala.
Now put your spy name in my comments so I have something fun to read today!
40 People have tried to sell me Viagra