So not pregnant.
2005-04-02 8:04 p.m.
Thanks to everyone who responded to my little April Fool's joke. I'm not pregnant despite all the bragging that my internet boyfriends have done. The comments cracked me the hell up. People that know me in real life immediately knew I was full of shit and the really nice people weren't quite sure if they should congratulate me. I was kind of bummed out at the lack of funny April Fool's day stuff on the internet yesterday. Think Geek and Google were quite funny but the rest of the internet was pretty silent. My banners have increased traffic x2 this week. If you're a new reader to KFK, welcome. I salute you.
7 People have tried to sell me ViagraHoly Shit!
2005-04-01 10:08 a.m.
You shouldn't lie about your age.
2005-03-31 1:46 p.m.
It�s my co-worker�s birthday today. We are of the same age only today she is a year older than me. Not a year exactly, more like three and half months. It�s like she�s test driving our age for me.
"I�m going to tell everyone I�m turning twenty seven this year," I say through a mouthful of birthday cookie. I know I can almost get away with this too. Thanks to my fear of natural light and my addiction to moisturizers, I have hardly any wrinkles. Plus my breasts are extra perky thanks to all those horrible knuckle push ups. I could totally pass.
"You shouldn�t lie about your age," she admonishes me and grabs a cookies. I think she�s just jealous because I thought of it first and she�s already told everyone at work how old she is.
We chew in silence. This is the big year for both of us. We drunkenly discussed one night that we were waiting for this particular birthday to decide whether or not we�d have a child on our own and give up looking for Mr. Darcy. I think after our fourth beer we pledged to marry each other if we were still single at 40. I believe the adoption of a dozen Guatemalan children was also part of the deal. It�s all a little fuzzy.
"I hate looking for a marriage like I�m buying a car." I say. "It shouldn�t be this hard to get married. Where are my longing glances across a crowded room? Where�s my love at first sight? This is a bunch of crap." I chew vigorously as chocolate melts on my tongue. I mentally remind myself to do an exercise video when I get home.
So, how do you like it?
2005-03-30 12:48 p.m.
As you can tell, I've been a little bored here and work and have given my website another make-over. I was getting some "blah" remarks about the gray color. I kind of liked the simplicity, but this is nice too. I'll probably change it again in a few months.
It seems that Diaryland still has a couple of bugs from last week's crash. My comments are kind of flakey (but they work, comment away) and the buddylist is no longer alphabetizing itself. I could go in and redo it by hand but that's a lot of work and I'd lose all the witty comments I made about everyone.
11 People have tried to sell me ViagraWhat the world needs now is a new Frank Sinatra so I can get you in bed.
2005-03-30 9:50 a.m.
I feel like I should start writing a new novel. The creative part of my brain is pouting, it�s tired of rewriting two finished manuscripts, it wants to move on to something new and exciting. There�s a bored heroine somewhere deep inside my subconscious whose longing for a good fight. So the question is, do I send one of my current heroines out on a new adventure or do I create a whole new world and a new superhero? I�m leaning towards heading back into the dark streets of Portland after hours with the local vampire population. Besides, I�m afraid David the Assassin will come back into my dreams if I don�t write his story. I�ve been promising him for over a year now. Silly vampires.
Speaking of the supernatural, I�ve started running some banner ads on d-land. This is my newest one. It�s Micah and Cassidy from �Blood for Persephone�. The artwork was commissioned from the lovely Maggie of Katie Galaxy fame. I needed some pretty artwork for my soon to be released writing website. I just need to fix a few kinks with my programmer and I�ll unveil it to the world. Clever googl-o-philes will find it on their own. The rest of your lazy folks will have to wait.
Speaking of google, have you seen Gizoogle? Type in your website address and have it translate. Now do this site, then twelvebeer. Hilarious
Today's password is damn.
2005-03-29 3:16 p.m.
One of my coworkers swears at work a lot. He sits diagonally across from me, we share a corner of our cubicles so I can hear him. He swears in a whisper but he does it with utmost enthusiasm and passion. "damn it!" "fuck!" "god damn!" Damn, is definitely his favorite swear word. He doesn�t seem to get angry with other people, it�s more like he�s cursing himself. He just got done dictating a letter and I heard the whispered swear word as he hung up his phone. He wasn�t talking to anyone, just the automated system so I can never tell what angers him.
I try not to bust out laughing because it�s so freaking cute, all this whispered impassioned swearing. It�s been awhile since I�ve actually cussed at work. I usually save my sailoresque profanity for the bars after a bad day at work. However, I have been known to do the following things at work: slam the phone down repeatedly until I broke the handset, throw an enormous file into the garbage can and flip it off for five minutes straight and one day after a really bad phone call, I turned off all the lights in my cubicle and lay on the floor staring at the ceiling for two hours. My old boss just quietly walked by without stopping. Smart lady.
I think my job related stress is down due to two important reasons. Number one: I own an iPod. Nothing says stress relief like old school punk music. I�d slam dance here during breaks if I wasn�t afraid all the cubicle walls would collapse like dominos around the floor. Number two: I don�t spend a lot of time on the phone doing customer service. 90% of my job is written correspondence and I like writing. I�m good at writing. If they�d let me spice up my letters with some gothic fiction and double my salary I�d never leave here.
Self Help Books You Should Probably Avoid
2005-03-28 9:27 p.m.
Stop Getting Dumped! Don't Date in the First Place
I'm Okay, You're a Loser
PMS: Why Nothing You Say or Do is Your Fault
The 997 Habits of Highly Compulsive People
Women Who Love Too Much and Their Phone Numbers
Dare to Embrace Apathy
What Color is Your Underwear?
Men Are From Mars: So Let's Just Leave Them There
My Erogenous Zones
Dating Shmating: How to Get Lucky
Do you have any titles that you'd like to add???
3 People have tried to sell me ViagraTofu Scramble ala KFK.
2005-03-28 10:15 a.m.
I thought I'd throw this recipe online, it's a mixture of one I found in a cookbook and one a friend taught me. This is the only tofu dish that I've been able to make sucessfully.
Tofu Scramble
1 package of firm tofu diced and drained
1/3 cup chopped onion
10 sliced kalamata olives
One small tomato diced
1 teaspoon cumin
1 teaspoon coriander
1 teaspoon chili powder
1 teaspoon thyme
1/2 teaspoon garlic powder
1/2 teaspoon black pepper
1/3 teaspoon of cayenne
1 tablespoon of soy sauce
Coat bottom of a non stick frying pan with canola oil. Throw all ingreedients in pan and sautee until tofu is crumbled, onions are translucent and all the moisture has evaporated, about 15-20 minutes. Serve with toast. Make yummy noises.
2 People have tried to sell me Viagra