It is just too hot.
2006-07-23 11:24 p.m.
It's 91 freaking degrees in my house right now. It's an improvement over the 93 but it's still too darn hot. I've got fans going and have been drinking water, but if it weren't for the fact that it's going to be much cooler tomorrow I would have packed up the cats and moved into the movie theater up the street. I wonder how many movies we could see before the ushers realized I was faking a twin pregnancy and kick us out? I spent some time rubbing the cats down with an ice pack and washing their little heads with cold wet hands. They yelled a lot about the wet hand treatment but I noticed they didn't run away.
I've decided to get pre-approved for a home loan. I'm interested in seeing how much more money they would be willing to give me this time around. Plus my house has doubled in equity. Doubled. So I might actually be able to get a house large enough to fit all my books in. I'm ready for more space, but I haven't made the big decision to move. It's just too overwhelming. The idea of packing, renting a truck and carrying stuff makes me get the shakes. I'll simply get preapproved and then decide what I want to do. Besides, I haven't looked at my credit report in six years, for all I know it's completely fucked up.
Did I mention it's hot in here? I have an ice pack shoved down the back of my pants and another one under my toes. I think I'll climb into an ice cold bath and shiver myself into hypothermia. Mmmmm, hypothermia.
0 People have tried to sell me ViagraThings I do not recommend doing number 53.
2006-07-21 4:38 p.m.
At work we read medical records all day and are complete hypchondriacs and germophobes. So it only makes sense that when you use the facilities you never ever touch the toilet handle but instead step on it, thus avoiding picking up any strange germs that my coworkers may be carrying. I work with these people, I don't need to have what they're having. Plus, I have like three white blood cells and they're already working overtime keeping me healthy.
So I went into the bathroom to, er, take care of some business and when I turn to flush I did what can only be described in kung fu as the perfect set up for a front snap kick. Everything suddenly went in slow motion as I watched my mule go flying through the air, hit the wall and do a graceful bank shot into the toilet.
I stood there on one leg and said very quietly. "oooooh fuuuuuuuuuck." I had a choice to make. I could try to salvage the shoe, I could still clean it, it's still good, right? It's only number one and I drank mostly water today so it's technically not swimming in a bowl of pee. Sadly, my common sense won out and I delicately fished out the shoe (it absolutely refused to be buried at sea and I didn't want my coworkers to put two and two together and figure out that was my shoe) and threw it away along with the other pristine one.
No one asked why I was walking around barefoot (everyone's used to my odd behavior) and I didn't tell. I just gathered up my things and made a hasty tip-toed retreat home. I'm such a moron. Luckily, they were old shoes, I think I got them at Ross two summer's ago for $15, so don't mourn for them, dear readers. They had a good life. *Sniff*
0 People have tried to sell me ViagraLook out. Especially if your incisors are pointy.
2006-07-20 12:06 p.m.
It was when I was driving home from work yesterday that I noticed him sitting next to me. I did a double take. Normally my characters don't start following me around until I'm about half way done with the novel or when I'm completely engrossed in the writing process. Dave the Assassin's book has been plodding along slowly at about a page a day. It's my evening detox.
He's squinting into the sun. As a vampire I would expect him to burst into flames or at least complain, but he simply adjusted the sun visor and leaned back. He stretches his arm around me and plays with the back of my neck and my hair. A shiver goes down my spine and a bead of sweat drips between my shoulder blades. We sit together in companionable silence, happy to be in each other's company. I think about how nice this feels, even if none of it is real. Even if he's nothing more than a figment of my imagination.
And with this sudden realization on how nice human (uh, undead?) contact is, there's a stirring deep in my soul. A craving that I haven't allowed myself to feel for almost a year. I turn up the radio and smile. I think I'm ready to fall in love again.
Boys of Portland take cover.
0 People have tried to sell me ViagraYou are so not getting high fived.
2006-07-19 1:38 a.m.
My male cat is the happiest cat in the world right now. He's doing victory laps around the house and screaming at the top of his little lungs as he goes. He just jumped on the couch and ran right across me without slowing down. I'm glad that I trimmed his claws last night. What on earth could make him this happy?
He just took a nice big crap in the litter box.
Yep. For some reason it's always the cause for celebration. After a few quick coverage motions with his back paws he explodes out of the booda dome, clicks his heels in the air and does a few victory laps around the house, complete with battle cry.
Imagine if us humans did that. If we felt so darn fabulous after a good poop we exploded from the bathroom at work screaming: "Whoo hooo! I feel so freaking good! I bet I lost ten pounds. Look how fast I can run! I feel marvelous! I feel like a god damn superhero. Whooo hoo! Oh yeah! Whose your daddy? I'm your daddy! Yes! Yes! YES! I just went number two and it was freaking orgasmic!"
0 People have tried to sell me ViagraInteractive blog entry.
2006-07-17 5:33 p.m.
I was trying to take a picture of Angi and I together but I forgot that I had the camera still zoomed in. The result was my eye on the left and Angi's ear on the right and some strange woman smiling. I have no idea who this woman is. So I want you to tell me: WHAT IS THIS WOMAN THINKING? You can put your answer here in the comments here or if you have a Flickr account do it directly on the picture's page by clicking on the pic. Or do both! I left mine as a note on the picture itself. Update: 7/18/06 12:40pm here's what we've got so far:
"Oh man I'm so drunk. This is fucking great! Hey that guy's cute, I wonder if him and that girl are together or what. I need some action. Waitress, another Tiki Volcano God please!" *hic* -KFK
"Those Stay-free maxi-pads really do keep me feeling April fresh!" -Violet
"My husband is under the table right now. He's not coming up for air till I say so" - Dulligirl
"God Damn it, Dulligirl stole my idea." - Klugarsh
"Oh heavens, it will be nice to kill all these people who don't sing country tunes. And those two fellows singing together? Goodness me! No matter, this lei will wrap nicely around your pretty necks. Won't that be fun?" - Nerdygirl
"I better smile in case those girls forget to zoom out that camera, because Lord knows I haven't gotten laid since Reagan was in the White House and getting my face in kungfukitten's diary could be my ticket to hot steamy sex." - Witty
"Whew..those umbrella drinks sure do make me gassy...I'll just smile and hope nobody realizes a hipster like me farts in public." - Teri
"If Maybel goes on about her winning lemon recipe bars one more time, i'm gonna bitch slap her. bo-ring! i wish i was at home playing with my new vibrator." - Jfsuperstar
"Hi hi hi hi! I'm getting a picture taken! Little me! I'm so shy!" - Non-fuckabl
"Does that bitch over there have a camera? Is she POINTING HER CAMERA AT ME???? What do I do? Should I smile? Ignore her? Hide under the table? Damn, I can't take a drink until she puts that thang away." - Ang
"I hope nobody can tell that I'm wearing my vibtating panties." - Kat
"When's my lover gonna call and tell me he blew a hole in my husband's skull? The cops will NEVER KNOW I was involved. I am so fucking smart! I gotta rehearse: 'Lionel's DEAD? What are you talking about?? Oh my god! Noooooooo! My dear sweet Pappabear! *sobbing* What? Where was I this afternoon? *dabbing eyes* I was *sniff* at The Alibi. Yes. The one on Maple Nut Road. Right, the one next to Circuit City. I ordered a Tab and a plate of mozzarella cheese sticks. No, I was alone. But here, I have a receipt. And, oh, someone caught me on camera!' I couldn't have planned this alibi better. Hot damn, I'm a genius. Where are my fucking cheese sticks?" - Halo Askew
0 People have tried to sell me ViagraThe Tiki Gods Smiled on Us.
2006-07-16 2:06 p.m.
If you can't get completely smashed on your birthday then you should demand presents and force people to sing for you. Which is exactly what I did. I reserved a table(s) for 25 people at The Alibi and we packed the house. It was fuck-tacular. As part of my birthday swag I got a copy of Tiger Beat magazine. Who is this Zac guy? Last time I bought Tiger Beat it was filled with Cories. I feel like a pedophile whenever I look through it. I also got a naked man paper airplane (I'll stop and let you visualize that for a moment). "Put it together" my friend yelled. "No way, I'll lose it. This is the closest I've had to a boyfriend in like a year."
I drank my one Dr. recommended beer and sang "Every Little Thing She Does is Magic" which I sucked at the beginning and finally got my mojo going at the end. But let me tell you - I do a fine Olivia Newton John on "Summer Nights" from Grease.
KungfuRamone drove all the way up and back from Eugene just to get his groove on and entertain us. The highlight of the evening was definitely KungfuRamone and Ransom singing "Don't You Want Me" by the Human League with Ransom singing the girl's part in a lusty baritone. Hilarious! Later on, Ransom nearly brought down the house with his rendition of "Punk Rock Girl", I thought a mosh pit was going to break out. Cherz and Darci sang "Take On Me" which required a little crotch grabbing to hit that sustained high note. Laurel sang karaoke for the very first time in her life and Shari wrapped up the night with "Copacabana." I slipped the KJ a fiver before we left thanking her for keeping us singing. She rocked. After a slow song about lovemaking she piped in "This song always reminds me of my dad! Is anyone else from the South?" ha ha haha.
To all my readers in the South, and there's a lot of you, she could as easily said Gresham which is one of our burbs or any other place. I know you guys aren't as weird as us granola chomping patchouli wearing karaoke singing politically correct hippies, which is why I felt obligated to put this disclaimer in.
The Bloggers were definitely representing, *smacks chest and holds out hand in elaborate karaoke gang finger signage* we had in alphabetical order (because I love all of you exactly the same):
Acronym
Cherz
Cingi
Clumsie Girl
Dr. Science
Joezilla
KungfuRamone
Nerdygirl
Ninja HQ
Ransom
That's my surly sober face. Angi is happily buzzed on white wine, hefeweizens and diet cokes with vanilla vodka. The rest of the pictures are located here. Feel free to steal at will and comment wantonly.
0 People have tried to sell me Viagra