Excuse my dust.
2008-02-23 9:56 p.m.

I'm currently working on creating a nice looking banner for the top of the screen. If anyone knows HTML/CSS and wants to fix my diary that would be super cool. Basically, I'm trying to create a three column blog set up in weblog multi entry format using Haloscan comments. I'd really like the columns to be all lined up pretty. Right now the right one is stuck to the side. My head is going to explode. My apologies, but this is going to look like crap for awhile.

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This is Just a Test
2008-02-23 8:22 p.m.

This is a test of the Emergency Blogging System. If this had been an actual emergency your computer would have blow up and your eyebrows would have spontaneously turned blue. Thanks for your help. Another test will be run when I actually get the new template to work.

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2008-02-19 10:11 p.m.

It's not as if I need another reason not to sleep but when I do sleep I have horrible nightmares. They're pretty predictable. Somehow I end up ripping myself apart because parts of me are red and poisoned and I do this until there's nothing left. Sometimes I'm just an arm and a head. This pisses me off because my dreamworld was always a wonderful sanctuary and now I can't even escape there. I'm slowly learning how to wake up during rem sleep so I'm not freaking myself out, but I'm probably not getting the positive effects that a full good nights sleep does for you. I'll spend three nights awake and then collapse for a night and do it all again. It's weird. It sucks.

Now for something completely different...I bought some of those light bulbs that are suppose to last forever. They're the ones with the tube that goes all windy instead of having a bulb. Did that sentence make any sense? They were on clearance for 99 cents, so I bought a handful of them. So starting tonight I'll see if they last forever. I'll keep you posted.

This week I'm getting in some new high tech double pane vinyl windows. I'm hoping they'll lower my heating bill as I just opened it and nearly passed out. I'm hoping it's for two months worth or I'm going to have to turn off the heat and knit tiny jumpers for the cats. Jeebus help me.

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This is the Diary of a Crazy Person
2008-02-15 2:33 p.m.

I haven't updated for half a month. Sorry. I've been holed up in my house working and crying non stop. Dad is doing super good. He's in the midst of radiation and chemotherapy. He even got in a program for some experimental medicine. The only deficit he's noticed is that he'll reverse numbers when writing them down. This could also be the medication. He's gone from two medications to an entire cabinet full of noxious items. Everyone is handling this very well except for me. I'm a fucking neurotic mess and finally broke down and told my doctor to do whatever the hell she wants with me. So I'm getting a new doctor named Josie and I was sedated and doubled my nortriptyline which is for pain and sleep but actually lifted my mood when I first took it, which makes sense, as it's an old school antidepressant. I think I'm going to have to take a few weeks off work so I can gain some coping skills. Seriously, we did not see this coming. All my life we said "yea! there's no cancer in our family." And we'd do a little jig around the house and knew in our hearts we'd live until at least 80 if not 92 like my grandmother who still drives and can read small print without glasses. And still we'd drink red wine, eat colored vegetables and take anti-oxidants, and shove twigs up our ass just to be on the safe side. I feel so disbelieving and desolate. What the fuck? Maybe I should just start smoking and punching out dogs, as there's no fairness in this stupid ass world. That's all I'll write on the subject. Dad asked that I don't talk about this with anyone. We're letting his doctors manage the disease and he's going to live his life. I read an article written by Oliver Sachs (neurologist super star) and it was all about the brain and music, so I told him to listen to music. All music, from your childhood, adulthood, any kind. It's heals the brain as listening to music is a global function.

Black Thursday came and went. I had a date with my rheumatologist. I was hypertensive and tachycardic but we just ignore that now. I just freak out completely at the HMO, I don't know why. I just do. This time he used gargantuan needles, seriously, they looked like they could inseminate a horse. Not that I've ever seen a horse get inseminated, it's just that I imagined it when I saw the needles. I'm weird. We tried a new drug - Cortisol! - and injected new places like my left forearm at the wrist and the tops of my ankles. Just to see if it works better. We talked about trying different meds but he said these other ones have a higher risk of cancer and that's when I ran and hid behind the table. He reassured me that I could stay on the regiment I'm on and start taking the Plaquenal when I start eating again. I haven't eaten for six weeks. Actually, I'd be a hella lot thinner if I haven't eaten. I eat small things. Weird things. I crave a Skor bar for dinner and a couple of gummi bears for lunch. Breakfast will usually consist of a frozen waffle. Sometimes I heat it up. This my friends, is the diet of a crazy person. I'll probably come down with rickets and scurvy eating like this. But I'm insane and I know that and I'm working on it. Some girl named Josie is going to either hold my hand or smack me around and tell me to fucking deal with it. It's called life. I hope she holds my hand.

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