I do not exist.

2006-10-29 9:53 p.m.

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My Space Hell.

2006-10-29 1:45 a.m.

This is what I had to print on MySpace main page under who I'd like to meet:

Good looking vampires.

Okay Boys: I want kids. I will not move from Oregon. I don't "chat." I'm not interested in casual sex. I also don't respond to e-mails that butcher the English language and ignore the basic rules of grammar. If you're too lazy to capitalize the letter "I" I will assume that foreplay with you would consist of you poking me in the right tit and saying "u r hot." Think about that before sending me an e-mail that says: "cute pic ur hot milf lol i wanna chat with u" and you live in Alaska. I'm sorry this is just the way I feel. It's not you, it's me.

This is what I've received in the last 24 hours:

hi,
you have an awesomeofile...very cool...may i im you? (50 years old, lives in Kansas)

hello hunny
how are you doing, well i just wanan let you know i am so much interested in knowing yuou better and to meet you,you have a lovely picture you look very sweet there, try to reply cs i cant really wait to talk to you, and pls if you have a yahoo id give me so we could talk better there ok. (36 years old, entire profile left blank, lives in UK)

hey whats up hows it goin i just wanted to tell you how gorgeous you are have a good day (21 years old, lives in Florida, at least this one is complimentary and doesn't want anything from me).

Hi there
Nice pic
I'd like to talk to u soon
David (29 years old, lives in Canada)

First of all, none of these men are vampires. Okay, that was a joke so I don't start throwing things. Next, the fact that they don't know how to use the shift key nearly has me convulsing on the floor. I think Strunk and White would beat themselves to death with their little book if they were to see these. I know I'm a total grammar snob with an advance degree in English, but come on people! I also know that I make typos and will occasionally misplace a comma or ignore the use of one altogether. I also like fragments and run on sentences when used artistically.

It is so obvious they aren't reading my profile. I have absolutely nothing in common with these guys. I don't chat. I want kids. I'm not moving. How much clearer can I make myself? My picture makes their dick hard. That's it. It's time for the fugly picture to go back up.

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Attack of the split ends snuggler!

2006-10-28 3:55 a.m.

I was bored and taking pictures on the bed and Trin thought we were doing our nightly snuggle before sleep routine and climbed into her usual space on my shoulder. She likes to brush my hair with her claws as I read every night (no wonder I have split ends). It's our little ritual and it cracked me up how she just leaped into position as soon as I was flat on my back. Hmmm. This could make things akward if I ever get a boyfriend. Menageatcat?. The name Trinity does mean threesome. Okay, I really didn't mean for this entry to go in that direction. Besides, she's fixed.

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Two hours of eyeball examination.

2006-10-26 11:35 p.m.

I spent two hours at the eye doctor today. Part of it was they were running late. I must have spent half an hour sitting in the waiting room admiring my super cool new motorcycle boots and then I spent another 20 minutes wandering around the examination room, trying to cheat by memorizing the eye charts. Finally, Ms. Ophthalmologist came in and numbed me, dilated me and looked all over the inside of my peepers. My eyes were super dry, red and had some white blood cells floating around in the fluid which means my eyeball inflammation is back. The good news is, we caught it super early. So early that we debated even treating it yet, maybe even watching it for a couple of weeks to see what it does, but after she went through my medical records we decided to nail my eyeballs hard with prednisone drops. We're going to kick this inflammation in the balls. (Does inflammation have balls? I'm going to imagine it does, so I have something to kick).

This is possibly sucky news because 1) My symptoms might be reoccuring because I went off the Methotrexate, which means I'm not better and the chemo drug was holding everything in check. F$%&*@! and 2) I can't remember what number two was going to be. So right now me and all of my specialists are just holding our breaths, waiting to see what my body is going to do. I can deal with wacky eyes as long as I don't go blind and the aching old lady joints. What I don't want to do is go through again the paralyzed face, the purple dots on my legs and the facial swelling and pain. Augh.

I think I better drink up now while I have the chance, because it may soon be time to inject my fatty tissues with methotrexate again. *Shakes fist at immune system* You suck! No, no, I love you. Good immune system. You quit trying to kill me and I'll do something nice for you like rub some snotty kindergarteners all over my body. Does that sound fair to you?

Oh, I had to pee so fricking bad by the time I was done that I hit the bathroom before I left. I must have been in some sort of hypoglycemic daze as it was almost six o'clock and I tucked the back of my skirt into my pantyhose. Basically, I flashed my ass at everyone in the East building. When I walked outside I noticed my butt was a bit chilly. OH CRAP! Yank, yank, pull, straighten, wish I was dead. I'm such a dork.

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But Judge it was a wardrobe malfunction.

2006-10-25 6:18 p.m.

My new goal in life is to flash my boobies at those cameras that take your picture when you run a red light. But Judge, I couldn't see! There was a tall truck in front of me totally obscuring my view of the llights. By the time I saw it was yellow, I was already in the intersection. I swear it wasn't my fault! Next time I'll be ready for it. I'll pay the fine and send the picture to Juggs.

Speaking of Judges (that was Judges not Juggs), if you're in Portland make sure you vote for Cheryl as Judge Punk Rock Pro Tem. I'm sure this is the kind of endorsement she'd want. Vote or I'll kick you in the shin.

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Monday Movie Extravaganza.

2006-10-23 12:21 a.m.

One of my subscriptions on YouTube posed the question as to whether Asian men were on the short end of the ladder when it comes to the dating pool. I used his question as the basis of my improv movie for the week. I think you'll recognize some of the characters, such as, FiFi Meringue, Milkshake and Lady Angelica of the Screaming Bat Caves. Make sure you watch the outtake at the very end.

Marcus has since taken down the video. The comments really turned into a rascist offensive stupid conversation. YouTube is awash in flamers, trolls and fuckheads. Sorry for the language but they are. It even spilled over to my channel - some guy insulted me, rated all my movies as a 1, which ruined my regular ratings and basically made me cry. What can I say, I'm overly sensitive and have very thin skin. I want to be everyone's friend. Luckily the administrators deleted his account and all the damage he did without me saying anything. How nice. Back on topic: it was a generic question posed for discussion and it turned into personal attacks against him, which makes me very upset. However, he did say my video made him laugh so my mission was accomplished.

What has been your experience? Personally, I'm wildly attracted to Asian men. Just ask Tracy, who had to keep me from corrupting an entire bus full of teenage Shaolin Monks. When I was trying online dating I always *winked* or sent messages to the Asian men I found attractive but they never responded. I wondered if this was because they were at the age where they were looking for wife material and wanted someone of their own ethinicity that mom and dad would approve of. Maybe that's just a rationality and I wasn't hot enough or cool enough for the guys I picked. [/pity party] Anywhoo, here's this week's movie.

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