Worst. Catowner. Ever.
2005-03-19 10:28 p.m.
How to have fun with those tiny prescription bags you get from the pharmacy.
4 People have tried to sell me Viagra
HMO from hell part 37.
2005-03-19 7:24 p.m.
I have some serious carpal tunnel syndrome (CTS) syndrome going on in both hands. Simon stole my carpal tunnel braces last year when he moved out. This is fairly strange as 1) He was never diagnosed with CTS and B) They are two sizes to small for his hands. I thought I'd just run out to my HMO and pick some up. I figured it would take an hour - tops to get this little errand done. Let's see, I left my house at noon and got home at six. Yes, six hours of my life that I'll never get back. Holy crap. The worst part is they confiscate your health insurance card so you can't get tired, pissed off and leave. I read an entire novel but still, what a freakish day. I want those six hours back. So I'm not supposed to type or play on the computer - oh crap. I better put my braces on and quit typing.
Memo to self: slash wrists in parking lot for quicker service in Urgent Care.
0 People have tried to sell me ViagraFashion update and the crazy rampaging teenager.
2005-03-18 11:10 a.m.
I didn't go red as much as it was tempting. My stylist was running a little late so I had time to get my fashion magazine fix.
So here's your fashion update for spring: tight tops and loose bottoms. Hem lines are knee length either a little above or a little below. Think puffy, pleated, billowy skirts. Pants are going to be tight at the waist and wide and loose through the leg. Jackets are tight and fitted. Stock up on the basic white tank top and cardigans with spangles, bows and fun buttons are in. Think sexy librarian. Hair is sun kissed and golden. Shiny is in, hair can be sexy tousled or smoothed but not ironed flat. I went with light blonde highlights that make me look shiny and pretty. I'm also growing the hair out again. I like the pictures of me with long hair. By the end of summer I'll have my Bridgit Bardot locks back.
I was driving home from my hair appointment in the dark down Grand which is a busy five lane street. I'm about to blow through a green light and all of a sudden there's this guy jumping in front of my car. He looks like he's around seventeen years old. He's wearing a backpack and he's standing in front of my car screaming, yelling, raving and crying. He's also a big guy, tall, heavy, looks like he could snap me in half with a flick of his massive wrists.
My first reaction was indigtation. Get out of the road you stupid bastard. What the hell do you think you're doing? [insert offensive hand gesture here]
My second reaction was suspicion. What the hell was that? Was this some ploy for trying to get money out of me? Was he targeting cars with single women in an effort to car jack someone? Was I just in danger?
Then when I was a mile away came my third reaction: concern. What if he was really hurt. He was kind of crying. What is someone jumped him and he was desperate for help? What if he was having a psychotic breakthrough and needed prompt medical attention? What if someone hits him because I didn't stop and take care of the situation?
I grabbed my cellphone but realized I didn't have the cross street to where I had seen him. If I called and said there was a rampaging teenager somewhere between my hairdresser and the expo center I didn't think that would help much. I consoled myself with the thought that 95 percent of drivers in Portland have cellphones and 911 was probably already deluged with calls. Some Buddhist wannabe I am.
0 People have tried to sell me ViagraTMOBA
2005-03-17 11:07 a.m.
You simply must visit the The Museum of Bad Art. It's fabulous. Make sure you read the notes that go with the paintings.
0 People have tried to sell me ViagraDo me, I'm Irish.
2005-03-17 9:30 a.m.
The last time I went to Kell�s St. Patrick�s Day celebration was many years ago. I was in the midst of a break up and my friend was on the verge of divorce. We were there to drink, period. We found a table close to the stage and were soon joined by a group of guys from Willamette University law school. They were in their last year and feeling pretty damn good about themselves. The valedictorian had particular interest in me. Yeah, he was probably drunk but that�s aside the point.
I was in the midst of my celtic music and Michael Flatly obsession. My hair was dyed a deep red and for some strange reason I had decided that no matter how sloshed I got, I was going to spend the evening speaking in a bad Irish accent. Valedictorian was quite taken with me. He was full-blooded Irish and whispered in my ear about how the IRA could take care of me. I had somehow given him the impression that I was in some sort of danger, I honestly can�t remember if this was a mistake or some sort of dramatic flair on my part. He wrote his phone number down on the back of a package of stamps � back when you actually had to lick stamps. We danced, I spoke in my bad accent and took puffs off his expensive cigar. He walked me to my car in the wee hours of the morn and clumsily kissed me.
I never called him. I still had unfinished business with the ex and felt like I needed breathing time. I eventually used the stamps to pay bills with, peeling away his name and phone number one digit at a time. I�m getting my hair done today and I can�t help but think about what it would be like to be a red head again - and in certain danger.
Feminist theory on hamburgers.
2005-03-16 12:43 p.m.
[soapbox] Have you seen the commercial that�s running for Carl�s Jr. Spicy $6 hamburger? It shows a fetus on a sonogram yelling at his mother for eating spicy food and making him hot. At first glance it seems rather benign. Sonograms are all the rage these days, people e-mail them, put them on baby shower invites and stick them in their scrapbooks. It�s like baby�s first photo session. The computer graphics are also fun, the baby makes gansta� like hand gestures and has facial expressions.
Cute? Right? Wrong.
Listen to what the kid is saying. As you can tell from the voice the fetus is male. He violently kicks mom and yanks on the umbilical cord to get her attention. Then he threatens his mother with busting out early, drenched in her blood and yanking out her placenta with him - in other words, causing her to hemorrhage and die. This is blatant violence against women but we�re supposed to gloss over the message. It�s hidden underneath a layer of cuteness and slick special effects. It sickens me. Am I the only one outraged? I know I�m analyzing this pretty deeply for a commercial selling a hamburger with jalapenos but sometimes you have to listen carefully to what the media is feeding you, or you miss it. [/soapbox]
Mango cat.
2005-03-15 5:00 p.m.
I took a half day off work to sleep off some more of this annoying cold that I've had since, oh, fall. I feel like I've been sick forever. I'm done with the antibiotics and my face has snapped back into its original shape but I'm still feeling stuffy, achy and like crap. It's just not fair! I have stuff I want to do like hit the gym, go to improv every Wednesday and Thursday, maybe get back to those silly kung fu classes. My poor body seems set against me.
On a fun note I just ate a mango. This may not seem exciting to most people but my cat Trinity loves eating fresh mango. It's a bonding process for the two of us. One piece for me, one for her, one for me, one for her. I've never had a cat before that liked to eat fruit. Silly girl.
Also I've been wasting huge amounts of time exploring My Space. You can find me there under my kungfukitten user name attached to my Gmail account. Look me us as I currently have no friends there. Speaking of Gmail, I have 50, count 'em 50 Gmail invites to give out so if you'd like a gmail account leave me a first and last name and an e-mail address and I'll send you one!
2 People have tried to sell me ViagraHe's all yours.
2005-03-14 5:49 p.m.
We've been having such nice sunny weather here in Portland I thought I'd walk to the post office instead of driving the twelve blocks there. I packed up my two big packages in a shopping bag and hiked to the post office. I figured this could count as exercise and I'd get my dose of vitamin D. I got to the post office promptly at 5:30 only to find out that they're closed. Who the hell closes at 5:00pm these days? I swore a bit and shook my fist angrily at the post office (probably not a good idea) and started on my trek home. I decided to take a different side street home and avoid the dirty street urchins that were littering Center street. I was half way home when I see this huge ass rat running across the street. It was so large that at first I thought it was a badger. Gargantu-rat is trundling across the street being leisurely chased by a large grey and white tom cat. I was thinking, whoah cat, you're one brave mother-forker to be chasing prey that's half your size. I stop to watch the spectacle as it isn't every day that I have a huge rat running towards me. The rat runs under a car parked on the side of the road. I assume he's going to stay there and hide but no, gargantu-rat jumped the curb and climbs on top of my shoe. At this point I'm not sure who is more freaked out. The rat and I are staring at each other in fear with our mouths hanging open. There are two things that can happen here. 1) The rat can retreat under the safety of the car or 2) he can run up my pant leg - damn you cute boot leg yoga pants! The cat has stopped short in the middle of the road and is watching to see if I deliver the killing blow and possibly share the bounty with him. I can feel sweat dripping down my brow and can hear that unmistakable western music they play when two gunmen are waiting to draw on each other. I have my contingency plan ready if the rat runs up my pant leg. I'm going to rip off all my clothes and run down the street naked screaming about rabies and bubonic plague at the top of my lungs. I'm not sure what the rat's contingency plan was. The rat slowly backs off my shoe and crawls under the parked car. I start huffing it down the block. He's all yours grey cat.
5 People have tried to sell me Viagra