Link me, rate me, make me write bad entries.
2006-09-02 9:45 p.m.
Sometimes I get links to my blog that I simply cannot explain. Like why am I the number three google hit for egotistical rappers. I mean I don't rap and I am not egotistical. Well, not anymore than most bloggers, anyway.
I also started getting an unusual amount of hits from a forum in the Netherlands I surfed over to Babelfish to see what kind of smack these saucy Europeans were talking about me and got this: "The small film below the page. Someone an ingenious system has considered to firstly let do before its cat to body movement he gets a candy. Something for Mauwtje?" Ah, they like the Rapid Paw Movement movie at the bottom of the page and I'm guessing that Mauwtje is the name of someone's cat (who perhaps could use a little slimming down).
I was also dubiously honored to be mentioned in this article last week. I think it's a compliment. I mean he's confirming that this is indeed a blog. I even checked my archives to make sure I didn't have an entry dedicated to Pringles. I don't. And for the record I have never made any money off my blog. I think I've earned about four dollars at my Cafe Press shop which doesn't offset all the T-shirts and buttons I've given away to friends and readers. The Amazon.com ads I have listed have not resulted in any money or credit. I think I have under five dollars sitting in my account which will probably be taken back out at the end of the quarter when they realize that I was the one that bought all those books. I can't help it, I check a link, get bored and then start buying books.
So what weird linking experiences have you had lately??
0 People have tried to sell me ViagraGoofball
2006-09-01 10:17 p.m.
My new computer has a built in webcam with a program called photobooth. This is way too much fun. I'm a total goofball.
Where Dan Sell Our Heroines Tits a Computer
2006-09-01 5:24 p.m.
This week at work was so difficult and traumatic that I had to partake in some serious retail therapy after work. I even knew it was going to be a bad day before I left the house this morning, that's why I slipped my savings account checkbook into my purse as I walked out the door.
When the day was done I ran across the street and took the escalator into the basement of the mall. The big glowing white Apple beckoned to me. It was like a lover calling my name in the crowded mall. I'm over here. I'm waiting for you! I walked in and went directly to the black MacBook. I caressed the case. "Hush, my pet. Soon you will be mine," I whispered to it. I looked around for a black shirted sales boy.
"You! Can you sell me a computer?" I yelled, pointing at the lone guy standing in the corner with the iPods. He perked right up and walked over to me. His name tag said Dan. Dan glanced briefly at my face and then addressed my breasts directly. "Yes! What can I help you with?" Now, normally men are discreet when they're checking out your rack. Except my friend Eric, who will look you up and down as you talk like he's not only imagining you naked but naked, covered in caramel sauce, doing downward facing dog, but that's a whole other entry.
"I want this one," I say breathily and lead him over to the MacBooks. "Now which one do you want?" he asks my left tit. "The $1499 one or the $1599 one?" I'm beginning to think that perhaps I've had a wardrobe malfunction. I look down. Nope, the girls are covered. The shirt has a low V edged in black lace. It shows some nice cleavage but there's nothing untoward exposed, not even a bra strap. I bend my knees a bit trying desperately to meet his gaze. "Now what's the difference between the two, is it just the RAM?" He informs my boobs that yes indeed, the more expensive one comes with 1 gig of RAM rather than 512 megabytes.
Maybe he's staring at my necklace, I think to myself. It's a big silver bat that looks not unlike the bat signal. Perhaps he thinks my breasts are in distress and he's contemplating a way to rescue them. "I'll take the more expensive one, I need the extra RAM." Dan explains to my breasts in great detail about Apple Care and what a fabulous thing it is.
I know from my brother's experience that Apple Care is indeed a good idea. He dropped a laptop at work and took it in to be serviced. The corner was completely crushed where he dropped it in the parking lot. "What happened? Did you drop it?" The service guy accused him. "No," my brother said innocently. "It just quit working."* They gave him a brand new one. So, I say yes to Apple Care. Actually, I think my right tit said yes, at this point the rest of me is only there to write a check and carry the damn thing home.
Dan goes into the back room to grab my merchandise, so to speak, and I look down at my breasts. These things are fucking magical, I think to myself.
* My family is made up of exceptional liars. My mother used to think that if she made us stare her directly in the eyes we would be unable to lie to her. Uh yeah, we had that technique beat by age eight. Sorry mom. We love you.
0 People have tried to sell me ViagraCarside Service To Go.
2006-08-31 11:25 p.m.
Is it just me or are Applebees' ribs getting smaller?
0 People have tried to sell me ViagraGo Smoke a Cigarette, Improv and Sensible Shoes.
2006-08-31 9:57 a.m.
First of all, I can't believe how turned on all of you got about my entry on Kissing Lessons. I was shocked - I mean it was just kissing and I didn't even talk about second base or some of the more creative kissing techniques. Hilarious! I'm thinking about rewriting the piece and submitting it to the Wilammete Week or The Mercury as a Girl Next Door point of view on dating.
My computer screen is not doing very well, it's fluttering in and out and I'm afraid I'll eventually lose visual all together. This would be a perfect opportunity to get the new black MacBook. There's an Apple Store next door to my work and they would validate my parking. I mean it would be worth $1499 to take $4.00 off my parking, right? (Speaking of validation, I can validate anything as you can tell.)
Instead of working until 1:00am like I have been for the last week, I decided to get out of the house and interact with real people. I went back to ComedySportz after being too sick to go in like a year. I did volunteer at the door a couple of times so it was nice to be back on stage. We played a bunch of new games and I met some new players. They're a goofy bunch.
Despite my wearing of sensible shoes (do cushy Vans count as sensible?) I came home crying due to painful ankles and took a a handful of pills. It was about an hour before the pain subsided from excruciating to very painful. I wish I knew what to do. I need to go back to Mr. Rheumatologist and see if we can up my chemo drug. The theory is that the tissue in my joints is inflamed and swollen which compresses the nerves which causes excruciating pain. We need to find something to take away inflammation. I've done Prednisone and I'm currently taking 800mg of ibuprofen, 6cc of Methotrexate IM and pain meds when I need them which is often. Stupid stupid body.
Today's laugh: Why do Japanese Game Shows always include pain?
0 People have tried to sell me ViagraKissing Lessons ala Kungfukitten
2006-08-30 1:14 p.m.
It's been eleven months since I last kissed someone passionately. That's a long time and terribly depressing. I consider kissing to be one of life's most pleasureable past times. There are good kissers and bad kissers. I used to have a boyfriend that would come at me with his mouth wide open and tongue sticking out. It was a fairly horrific sight, one in which I had to keep myself laughing and/or screaming. (If you're reading this and wondering if you're that guy, you're not, he doesn't come here.) I mean, if your kiss requires me to reapply my foundation after you're done, that's not kissing, that's wrestling with a sucker fish.
A kiss should start slowly. You should move towards me slowly so I know what your intentions are. Mack attacks are fine in certain situations but generally speaking, come at me slowly with intent in your eyes. When you get about eight inches from my face, start to close your eyes. Your mouth should be closed, relaxed and only slightly pursed. Women can purse more, our lips are made for it. Your lips should come in to contact with mine, softly. Slowly begin to move your mouth against mine almost as if you're saying: "Will you do me here?" Do you feel how your mouth moves when you say that? Now press harder, if I'm pressing back you can open your mouth a littler further and mouth the phrase again. When you get to "here" and my teeth aren't barring your entrance, go for it.
Slide you tonge in slowly. French kissing is a delicate art. Your lips should match each other and your tongues should take turns exploring each others mouth, tongues and teeth. Please don't try to shove your tongue as far as you can down the back of my throat. I may throw up on you, ruin the moment and then blame it on you. The key is start soft and chaste and move into the hard and passionate.
Eventually you're going to have to come up for air. This is an excellent time to nuzzle her throat. Inhale her scent, does it turn you on? Kiss the spot where her shoulder meets her neck, you may have to pull down the collar of her shirt for this. If she's scratching her nails down your back or has her fingers entwined in your hair and is pulling, you can probably bite her - again softly at first, if she yelps, pull back and regroup. If she moans, move a little higher on the throat and do it harder. The key is to make her gasp without leaving marks. Hickeys are oh, so, high school. Lick up the side of her neck, rub your mouth softly across her face until you're back in kissing position and go for round two.
In round two, notice what your hands are doing. Hold her hands, trap them like you're afraid she'll run away. Caress her face, hold her head along the jaw line. Run your fingers through her hair, slide your fingers up her neck and around her ears. Wrap your arms around her and hold her close.
This time when you come up for air, go for her ear. If she has long hair you may need to move it out of the way. Gently run your tongue up the side of her earlobe, gently bite the bottom of it. Make sure you don't accidentally swallow her earring. Sticking your tongue in someone's ear can feel orgasmic or it can feel weird - ever hear of a Wet Willy? Some people love it, others hate it. Try running the tip of your tongue around the opening of her ear and see how she reacts. The same goes for blowing. Blowing directly into the ear can actually hurt. Back up a couple of inches and blow softly. The feel of the air should be whisper soft and send a shiver down her spine, not send her to the Emergency Room with a ruptured eardrum.
Listen to her physical cues, does her breathing get faster when you do something, does she moan, cry out, pull you closer or tell you outright you found the spot? Also pay attention to what she does to you. Women will often do to you what they like done to them. Take notes and give back what you receive.
Say something. "God, you're gorgeous." makes my toes curl. If she's a good kisser - tell her. "You smell so good." "You're going to kill me, but what a way to go." Whatever is true to how you're feeling. Girls love compliments: Is our skin soft? Tongue talented? Boobs fabulous? Hair gorgeous? A wistful "You are so beautiful." will have us floating on air for a good 24 hours.
Hygiene. Do I even need to mention this? Before you're going to see the object of your affection, you should brush, floss and use mouthwash. Every single time. Period. If you're on the go you might consider keeping bottled water, a toothbrush and paste stashed in your car. At the very least some gum will do. Just make sure it's gone before you try to kiss her. You don't want her pulling it out of her mouth and saying "I believe this is yours" when you're done. Worse yet, you get it stuck in her hair! Ix-nay on the breathspray - it's very 70s and very tacky.
But what about dinner, you ask? Pay attention to what your date orders and order the same. She eats garlic, you eat garlic. If your breath smells the same neither of you will notice. Girls often have gum in their purses - try to stash some in your pocket. Take a piece first and then offer it to her so she doesn't think that you're telling her that her breath stinks.
Now go find that someone special and mack the hell out of them. Do it for me. Do it for your country. Do it because it's the right thing to do.
0 People have tried to sell me ViagraKismet.
2006-08-29 9:32 p.m.
I have an unhealthy addiction to Lean Cuisine pizzas. I adore their new line of oven brick gourmet pizzas, especially the BBQ chicken one. On my way home from work I stopped at Safeway to stock up on pizzas, Diet Coke and apples (my world is very small and boring). I've been taking the faceplate off my radio ever since my car got broken into. When I jumped back in my car, I got to the exit and an Asian guy was walking across the crosswalk. I waited and let him saunter across like nice motorist. I only swear and flip off jay walkers. I decided that it would be a good opportunity to snap back in my radio face plate. It was warm and my windows were down. When I put the face plate back on, it automatically jumps into radio mode and since I had the volume cranked up when I pulled into the parking lot, I was blaring NPR. Specifically, it was Scott Jagow yelling: "The Chinese people are currently on the move!" The guy turned to look at me. I sat up straight and shrugged my shoulders. What can I say? I mean he was Chinese. He was currently on the move. Like I control public radio. It was kind of weird.
0 People have tried to sell me ViagraLighten the fuck up.
2006-08-28 5:21 p.m.
Any of my ex-boyfriends will tell you, if I don't eat on a regular schedule I get cranky. All right, cranky is an understatement, we're talking more like Exorcist head spinning around backwards cranky. So it makes sense that since I only had half an English Muffin for the entire day, the drive home was akin to riding with a drunken belligerent longshoreman. "Forkingduckshit!" I screamed and shook my fist at the jay walker on Hawthorne. When I missed the light at 39th, I rolled my eyes like a high school girl who had just been grounded.
For my birthday my friend Shari gave me a fake flower lei airfreshener with flowers, wooden beads and little wooden turtle at the bottom. When I first put it up, it made my car smell like suntan lotion for two weeks. Now it doesn't smell anymore, but I like to pull down on the turtle with my finger and the elastic cord makes him bounce up and hit the roof of the car. What can I say, I'm easily amused. So I'm all pissy, bouncing my turtle and suddenly there's this explosion of petals and beads, it was like someone threw a lei grenade in my car. I blinked my eyes, as the petals rained down around me. I'm not sure where the turtle went, I think he flew out the window and hit the woman standing at the bus stop, but I can't be certain. I just know he's no longer in my car. I started laughing - hard. Every now and then the Goddess will smack you on the back of the head and tell you to lighten the fuck up.
I remember in college my friend Cyn and I were bored to death and did the only reasonable thing to do on a Friday night: go down to The Spar and drink pints of beer until the world became amusing again. We were so sick of each other that we didn't even have anything to talk about. We were silently drinking our second pint and staring lonngingly at Mr. and Mrs. Perfect sitting at the bar.
He looked like he had just fallen off the cover of GQ and she, well, as my friend David would say "Had legs up to here, tits out to there and an ass you could crack walnuts on." She was totally gorgeous in her little black dress and stiletto heels. We felt rather frumpy in comparison in our baby doll dresses and pointy Fluvog shoes. Despite the beer, we were starting to get depressed. Really depressed. Mrs. Perfect sashayed to the bathroom, probably to apply more lipstick and another coat of mascara on her already perfect fluttery eyes. When she came out of the bathroom, she was trailing a two foot piece of toilet paper on the heel of her right stiletto.
I poked Cyn in the ribs so hard she spilled her beer. We giggled; we sniggered, soon we were silently shaking trying not to lose it. I snorted so loud the guy at the table next to us looked around for roving farm animals. Mrs. Perfect jumped back on her stool and crossed her legs, right over left. She sipped her wine cooler and flirted with Mr. Perfect then started languidly kicking her leg back and forth. The toilet paper wafted in the air like a beautiful white banner. Mr. Perfect suddenly jerked upright as he noticed the toilet paper. He looked terrified, he had absolutely no idea what he should do. He looked over at Cyn and I for help and we lost it, spitting beer all over each other and laughing out loud. I inhaled beer deep into my lungs and doubled over coughing. Cyn helpfully smacked my back (much harder than was absolutely necessary, I suspect because I had spit beer all over her). Later on, around our fourth beer, we decided that this was the work of the Goddess. She was telling us, in no uncertain terms, that no one was perfect and to stop taking everything so seriously. She's pretty wise, this gal. She knows that some things just aren't worth getting your panties in a wad over and if you're paying attention, you'll get the message. Now, if you excuse me, I'm going to go eat some dinner before my head starts spinning backwards.
0 People have tried to sell me ViagraRPMs: Rapid Paw Movements
2006-08-28 12:13 a.m.
I like how the cat is talking while she's on the wheel. It's like she's giving a running (no pun intended) commentary: "You see, I have to run on this wheel and it turns the gears above me. *pant pant* When I've gone around enough times, the gear clicks the second gear to dispense a handful or, more accurately, a pawful of treats into the tube which falls by my feet and I can finally stop running! *pant pant* It's hard work. My owner's an engineering major. Major geek is more like it." *crunch crunch*
Dulligirl definitely wins the award for best comment left on my blog last week: "My next band will be an REM tribute band done while wearing cat costumes. We will be called Rapid Paw Movement. For encores, we will sing the Meow Mix song." I've got my cat costume all figured out. All I have to do is buy a tambourine and legally change my name to Josie.
0 People have tried to sell me Viagra