Zee microfilm is in a safety deposit box in Zurich.
2003-06-13 12:53 p.m.
I've been feeling rather maudlin recently. Summer is always hard because it involves weddings and my birthday. These landmarks are constant reminders of how my life has not turned out exactly how I planned. I'm getting better with weddings. I boycotted them for about five years because it was too much of a knife in the heart. Now I think they're kind of cool because I love my friends and like seeing them happy. Oh yeah, cake and free booze are a definite plus as well. Plus, where else am I going to be able to get drunk and dance the macarena anymore?
You see this is how my life was suppose to turn out:
Version number one: I'd be married to a sucessful scientist who has just won the nobel prize in science. I am a sucessfully published science fiction writer whose newest novel is on the New York Times bestseller's list. We have three sons they are amazingly intelligent and gifted atheletes. We all speak Latin around the dinner table because it's fun to do and it will help the children ace the verbal section of the SATs. I act in the local Shakespearian Theater group and do volunteer work for homeless cats. We spend our summers in Paris or on archaeological digs.
Version number two: I'm an undercover agent for the CIA. I speak Russian, French, Spanish and Italian. I can decipher sanskrit, Latin, Greek and most heiroglyphics. I am a trained killer in any weapon and an expert in hand to hand combat. I am sent on missions to foreign lands where I seduce the corrupt leaders, get important information on microfilm and topple the government from the inside. I have many affairs with other sexy agents along the way. My code name is Bloody Mary.
Instead I have no children and no husband. I work in a cubicle. I work for *sob* an insurance company. What the hell happened?
1 People have tried to sell me ViagraAdvice for the love lorn.
2003-06-12 1:51 p.m.
I've been asked for some advice on what to do if you have a crush on a guy who is your friend:
So you're friends with this guy and you want to gently nudge him into the direction of romance. If you're friends you should have something in common. Find a way to invite him to an event that you'll both enjoy without surrounding yourselves with the rest of your posse. The important thing is to get him to spend some time with you alone. "Hey, *insert cute boy's name here* I just got some tickets to see *insert name of really hip band that all the kids are listening to these days*, want to go with me?" or "Hey *let's just call him Fernando* Fernanado, I was going to go to the used bookstore and look around for some old James Bond novels. Want to go with? I'll buy you a frappaccino at Starbucks on the way home." or even "Fernando, have you seen Matrix Reloaded yet? Me too, want to see it again?" The point is to get Fernando to go on a date with you without the formality of saying "would you like to go on a date with me." Keep in mind that boys are fairly dumb when it comes to social situations and are usually oblivious to the fact that girls find them attractive. While you might think that you're broadcasting your love and affection to him, Fernando will probably be wondeirng if he should go to the bathroom before or after the movie. The last thing you want is to go to your ten year high school reunion and confess to Fernando that you always had a crush on him and have him tell you that he had no idea and that he always pined for your too. But of course, by then it will be too late because Fernando will be married to a district attorney and you will be living with an unsucessful bass player from a local speed metal band that watches Jerry Springer all day and has belching competitions with his friends. Try subtle hints at first like looking longingly into his eyes when he's talking and touching his hand or arm when he says something especially deep or witty. If all else fails grab him by the shirt, pull him up against your heaving bosom and say throatily: "Are you thinking what I'm thinking, loverboy?" If he answers "You want more nachos, too?" then back off for a couple of days and regroup.
4 People have tried to sell me ViagraKicks, hits, stiff neck, thanks.
2003-06-11 9:29 a.m.
At the end of kung fu class last night I was put into the corner mats with another woman for a fifteen minute sparring session. Fifteen minutes may not sound like much but trust me, it's hard. I'm finally figuring out how to cover a lot of ground in sparring. Normally I just go straight in and those guys with the long arms smack me around before I can even get close enough to reach them. I've been practicing throwing a forward snap kick, putting my hips into it and giving it a nice hop. I can practically fly across the room when I do that. I also practiced snapping out a backfist to the head when I'm in retreat mode. Worked really nice against my opponant except I hit her a lot harder than I meant to. That's okay, she got a few good face hits on me too.
Woke up this morning with an incredibly stiff neck. In yoga class yesterday we did some five minute postures. Plow posture does not work with people who are a 36C. Everytime I do that posture I end up smothering myself with my breasts. (sounds more fun than it actually is) In order to breathe I have to round my back a bit and that's probably what ended up hurting my neck.
When I went to kung fu last night there was a card stuck to the bulletin board. It was a thank you card from the kid who I gave all my magic cards to. Awwwe. It's on my fridge now.
5 People have tried to sell me ViagraPsycho killer qu'est que c'est.
2003-06-10 11:47 a.m.
My dreams have been very scary and violent as of late. I blame it on devouring the Anita Blake Vampire Executioner novels in such quick succession. When I was younger, whenever I had horrifying dreams my dream self would usually faint or be paralyzed by fear. I'd die in my dreams and immediately wake up. In college my super feminist friend Cynthia scolded me and said "You need to fight back in your dreams. You're stronger than that. Don't let them push you around." So I started fighting back in my dreams. Now my dreams are so horrible and violent because I'm killing and demolishing the bad guys. I fight and fight until there is nothing left of them and then I tell myself to wake up. Last night I had a dream that someone broke into my house and came into the bedroom to rape and kill me. I kung fu'ed his ass until there was nothing left but a finger bone and I couldn't break that stupid bone no matter how hard I tried. It seemed very important to break that bone before I woke up. Almost like I was afraid that if I left any piece undestroyed he'd reanimate and try to get me again. How's that for psychotic? I think Freud would have been beside himself with me. Then again there's that whole bone metaphor.
If people are catching monkeypox from prarie dogs why don't they rename it prarie dog pox?
8 People have tried to sell me ViagraPersonal Shopper.
2003-06-09 1:05 p.m.
On Sunday I got to play personal shopper for Rebecca. We started out the morning at the Brasserie where we drank way too much champage. $3 for a refillable glass of champagne? Whose fabulous idea was that? Then we tackled Nordstroms for a dress, the MAC counter for some lipstick, Meier & Frank for a pashmina wrap then Nordstrom's Rack for some shoes. And since it was such a nice day and we didn't want to go home, we hit Virginia Caf� for an afternoon cocktail. A sucessful day indeed. I want to be a full time personal shopper. I love dressing up other people. It's like having my own life size Barbie dolls. Coming to Portland? Need help shopping for a special occasion? Call me.
You are an enigma wraped in a mystery, you blog
for yourself. You have your own reasons for
doing what you do. We are still glad your here!
What kind of blogger am I?
brought to you by Quizilla
PayPal Fraud Alert!
2003-06-09 10:30 a.m.
Something you diarylanders should be aware of. Some nefarious beings are harvesting diaryland e-mail adressed and sending out e-mails pretending to be from PayPal. They will ask you for your e-mail, password, and credit card number. Do not fill out this form! This is NOT from PayPal. It's from someone who wants your name and credit card numbers. I e-mailed Pay Pal and this is what they sent me back on the end of their form letter:
"PayPal and its representatives will NEVER ask you to reveal your password. There are NO EXCEPTIONS to this policy. If anyone claiming to work for PayPal asks for your password under any circumstances, by email or by phone, please refuse and immediately contact us via webform at https://www.paypal.com/wf/f=sa_pass."
1 People have tried to sell me Viagra