The rubberband cat.
2007-02-03 2:32 a.m.
Some people fear nuclear war, other fear diseases or being mugged. My mother has an irrational fear of trans fat. I was casually mentioning on the telephone to her the other day that I purchased a Ding Dong from the Kwickie Mart and I could hear the "fwap"ping sound of my mother clutching her chest as she screeched: "Oh my God, trans fat, you didn't eat it did you?" First of all, I couldn't tell what was more amusing. The fact that she was so horrified of trans fat, like it was some sort of werewolf, or that I could possibly buy something made of chocolate and not eat it. "No mom, I just looked at it. I smelled it. I rubbed it into my hair. I snorted it. I mainlined it. Of course I fucking ate it." If you want to scare my mother tell her that something has trans fat in it. "Mom, you don't want to buy Lancome lipstick anymore, it's chock full of trans fat." I'm not sure exactly what her doctor is telling her or which magazine she has been reading, but I did notice something strange at Thanksgiving. She brought with her four pounds of broccoli. Now I like broccoli, I like it a lot, but I don't think that I could have eaten a pound of it in one sitting. There was more broccoli than the rest of the food combined. My mom cooked an amazing amount of the broccoli but I still found some hidden in my crisper and behind the milk. The really strange thing is, I couldn't figure out where she put the little purple rubber bands, but Trinity knew. It would be the middle of the night and Trin would come to bed and sit by my head playing. Eventually I'd turn on the light and find her playing with a purple broccoli rubberband. I'd confiscate it from her, because I'm always worried that she'll eat it and get a bowel obstruction and I'd feel really really bad. I'd go back to sleep and fifteen minutes later she'd show up by my head and be playing playing playing, having a jolly old time. *click* She had aother purple rubberband. Confiscate. A few days later I'd be sitting on the couch watching Tivo and she'd bounce onto the couch and start playing with a purple rubberband. I'd be in the bath and she'd run into the bathroom and start playing on the bathmat with one. I confiscated a total of seven. What was funny is that she always wanted to play near me with the contraband rubberbands. I also never knew where she was getting them from! My mother put them somewhere that only Trin knew about. I'll have to remember to ask her where she put them. I think I've got them all now.
Perchance to dream.
2007-02-02 2:33 a.m.
I woke up late this morning and paid some bills. I ate some lunch and found that I couldn't keep my eyes open. I decided to lay down for a little bit and slept until nine. Now I'm all disconbobulated and confused. I'm also still tired. I don't understand my body and this illness anymore. My body tries so hard to heal itself while I sleep that it's exhausted by the time I'm awake. I just don't get it. The nice thing about sleeping is that I dream and in my dreams I'm strong and healthy. I can do amazing things. I had a lovely dream where I could fly by laying on my back with my arms and legs splayed and I just arched my back and I was spinning and floating in the air. It felt very relaxing but at the same time exciting, I could travel anywhere I wanted to. What have you dreamed about lately?
In the name of beauty.
2007-02-01 12:10 a.m.
I got an order today from Sephora.com which included a peel off mask. I opened it and rubbed some onto the back of my hand to test it out. I was immediately overhwelmed with the scent of Elmer's glue. Even the consistency was the same. Do you remember being in fifth grade and being totally bored by whatever the hell the teacher was blathering on about, history or something, and pouring some Elmer's glue into the palm of your left hand? You had to smear it evenly so it was just the right thickness then you'd watch it dry. First the corners would go clear and then the center. When the entire thing had dried you could scratch up a corner and then peel the whole thing off in one big piece. It was almost as satisfying as picking off a scab. If you held it up to the light you could see all the little indentations and lines that made up the palm of your hand. It was like magic. So anyway, when I peeled up my face mask it was exactly the same as the Elmer's glue I used to put on my hand. I smelled it again and scanned the ingredients, looking for glue. It didn't mention glue, but I'm still suspicious. Am I going to slather this all over my face? You betcha.
Is that a banana in your pocket?
2007-01-30 8:38 p.m.
I was on the phone with my brother last night getting some HTML help. I was trying to figure out how to put a white border around my little pictures so the text wasn't all scrunched up next to it. Is everyone digging the photos with each entry? I'm going to see how long I can keep that up. I think it looks pretty neat and if you want to see a bigger version all you have to do is click on the picture and it will take you the Flickr page. Voila! So anywhoo, my brother was going on and on about a coworker of his that brought in a special banana holder that was a little "naughty" looking. "What do you mean naughty looking?" I asked, trying to picture what a banana holder would look like and kept coming up with an image of Todd from Scrubs (best scene ever, by the way). "Here, I'll e-mail you a picture we took of it." When I opened up the e-mail I screamed. "Oh my God! It's ribbed for her pleasure!" which is something that you should never ever scream at your brother unless you're from the mountains of Tennessee. Aside from it's rather naughty appearance, it does seem to be a handy little device although I admit I would feel self-conscious whipping that puppy out during my lunch break.
Okay, I did some research and it wasn't easy to find but it's called a Banana Bunker and I'm sorry Athena but it doesn't come in pink. ;)
0 People have tried to sell me ViagraAdventures in groceries.
2007-01-29 10:07 p.m.
I was in the baking aisle at Fred Meyers because I needed some sugar. It takes me about four years to go through one of those big bags and the only cute little zip lock kind they had was "organic" sugar. I liked the size more than anything, but I was carefully analyzing the contents of the bag because the sugar was a weird color. I wanted to make sure that "organic" didn't mean "bugs, leaves and debris included" just "we didn't bother to bleach the hell out of this but we're still going to charge you twice as much." As I was holding the bag up to the light, a middle age man siddled up to me. I siddled away. He followed me. I put my sugar in my basket, turned and smiled at him slightly. "You look like someone who does a lot of cooking from scratch." he said to me. I snorted so hard snot actually flew out of my nose. I quickly composed myself by pretending I had just sneezed and demurely wiped my face. "Not really, but maybe I can help you?" I said sweetly, carefully eying his sweatshirt for evidence of my snot. "Well, this one just says cinnamon and this one says Saigon cinnamon. This one's a little more expensive, but I really don't know what the difference is." He said, holding the two bottles side by side. He held the bottoms out towards me. "Look! They're even different colors!" He was absolutely befuddled. In fact, he even looked like he was in physical pain. "They're basically the same thing," I explain to him, trying not to giggle. "This one, is probably going to be cheaper because it's the generic store brand." "I like cinnamon on my oatmeal, I have to eat oatmeal every morning. My health, you know." he said. "Then why don't you splurge on the Saigon cinnamon, especially as you eat it every day." He nodded and seemed relieved. He was still holding both bottles when I left him in the baking aisle. For all I know he's still there. I would have thought he was trying to pick me up but he was so utterly perplexed and concerned about his health that I doubt it. Men that are trying to pick me up usually try to do it in the booze aisle or frozen foods.
I went to the hoity toity grocery store yesterday. Primarily I was on a quest for incense and comfort food for lunch. I settled on some Tibetan healing incense and a Prasad sampler and for lunch I bought some fake corn dogs and organic french fries. If you put enough mustard on the daugs they tasted all right. I also found a big container of wheat grass for $2.49. Cat grass at the pet shop costs $4.99 for half as much, so I bought them a container. As you can see from the above picture they had salad for lunch. They loved it! Of course, they're indoor cats so they get their greens when they can. Trin has been known to steal lettuce from the collander in the sink. She also likes little slivers of fresh mango!
0 People have tried to sell me ViagraMonday Pimp Day.
2007-01-29 1:00 a.m.
As you guys may have figured out, I have been having way too much fun playing around with my Flickr account lately. In fact, here's me flashing the super secret Flickr gansta sign. It's an "F" get it? I like how the dark background makes me look like I am just a floating head and hand. I'd also like to let all my Diaryland homies know that there is a Flickr Diaryland group. If you're not a member yet, you should be. Introduce yourself and your blog in the discussion group and then post some pictures of yourself, your pets, your town, your boobs, whatever! We only have 34 members I'd like to see that in the triple digits. Every website I go to has Flickr pix so go sign up. I'll wait here. *whistles*
You back? All right. I'd also like to say thanks to Golfwidow and Andy for letting me open and close their newest Podcrapular Podcast. Go listen to it, it'll make you laugh and you'll get to hear me hawking multifunctional kungfu clothing and performing some spam beatnik poetry. Cool like cats, baby.
0 People have tried to sell me Viagra