I did it, and then came to a terrifying realization.
2006-11-17 2:37 p.m.

Thank you OregonCoastGirl who told me to get my ass over to Craigslist and post my ad for free. Also, thanks to Miss Hiss who skipped all proper etiquette and protocol and went directly to the Triple Dog Dare. (On the very first comment, by the way).

So I was daydreaming about my man this afternoon and I was wondering why he wasn't wearing his suit jacket. He was obviously dressed in a nice dark suit, shirt and tie. Maybe he left it in his car, or perhaps he works nearby and needed to run out and get some cookies. Like next door at Holman's Funeral Home. That's when my eyeballs popped clean out of my head.

I retrieved my eyeballs, put them back in and blinked alot until they worked. Could my new husband be a funeral director? I don't know whether to be morbidly giddy in a goth girl sort of way or to very very scared. He did seem awfully serious about those cookies. I'll have to have a few drinks and think about this further. Hmmm.

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Coitus interupptus the hard way. No pun intended.
2006-11-17 4:05 a.m.

All my main characters want to do is have sex.

Sheesh. I need to give them cellphones or something so they'll keep getting interrupted, but no, I'm putting them in adandoned lofts, underground bedrooms with silk sheets and in the backseats of limosines. I rewrote the beginning, so Helena Amelie gets to meet Shelley without knowing who or what he is. It's in my NaNo profile if you want to read it. Just click on my word count on the upper right corner there and turn the pages to read. Nothing gets the heart pumping like a good mugging scenes. Especially when the muggers get their comeuppance.

Can't sleep. Hate Prednisone.

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I Was Smitten, Kitten.
2006-11-16 3:15 p.m.

Missed Connections

You: handsome man in white dress shirt and tie at Safeway on Hawthorne at 3:00pm Thursday, November 16th. Me: long blonde hair, black coat and grey miniskirt. I nearly rammed your cart. You were perfect gentleman and let me have right of way. When I left, you were befuddled over cookies in the bakery department. Tried to catch your eye but missed. Can I buy you a glass of Shiraz? I have a wicked chocolate chip cookie recipe.

*Sigh* He was so cute. And he was age appropriate too. In fact, I bet he is older than me. His hair was greying but it was all there, very sexy. I bet he's 41, an attorney and a Pisces. I'm always falling for Pisces. He's also tall. I don't know what it is, but I'm nuts for tall men. They make me weak in the knees, which only makes me shorter as I'm only 5'2.5". If we were to get married I'd have to buy some of those stripper platform CFMPs so we'd look nice in the pictures. Or maybe we'd just run off to Vegas and elope. He'd buy me a nice designer dress and we'd spend the weekend gambling and locking ourselves in our suite at the Bellagio. *Looks around. Blinks* What was I saying?

I thought about giving him my card with number but I chickened out. Plus, I'm sick, how do I explain that? Is that like a third date thing? Oh by the way, I have this chronic disease called sarcoidosis that I may get rid of or maybe I'll have it forever and it could kill me but probably not so I guess we'll just have to wait and see. You may have to drive me to the ER at 2:00am sometime, you cool with that? I mean, how the hell do you broach the subject? I kind of feel like I should stick to one night stands and casual relationships, which explains why it's been over a year since I've gotten laid. That's a long time for me. A loooooong time. And it's been pretty much by choice, I mean if I really wanted to risk it, all I need to do is go downtown and sit in VooDoo Lounge or Eastside Club alone until a drunk pretty young thing comes sniffing up my skirt, but I want a little more than that. I want a lot more than that.

I don't even have anyone on Booty Call Waiting. All my boys are hooked up which is good for them, but lousy for me. Day-um.

Who dares me to put the above ad in next week's Willammette?

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The regurgitating pizza ninja.
2006-11-15 7:38 p.m.

I was working late this evening at home and the cupboards were bare so I decided that since I worked hard all day long, I deserved something special, like pizza! Plus, it gave me more time to finish up my work before Mr. Pizza dude arrived.

Sometimes a girl just needs a Diet Coke and two pieces of pepperoni pizza. I couldn't finish my second piece so I tossed my plate on the coffee table and lay back on my couch to properly digest. It's super windy outside and raining so I feel all right about wrapping myself in a quilt and watching The Simpsons. I used my smart brain cells all day long so now I can do something nice for my stupid brain cells. I just wish I had a cabana boy to rub my feet. Hell, I wish I had a cabana.

Like some sort of stealthy Pizza Ninja Loki came out from under the coffee table, (it's a really low table so he has to do one of those army belly crawls) hopped up on his hind legs, grabbed a piece of pepperoni daintily in his front teeth and swallowed it whole. Then he loudly horked it back up because it was way too big and he was choking. Next he stood there chewing it for about five minutes and then swallowed it and slowly disappeared under the coffee table again. So much for stealth.

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Shut up or I will eat you.
2006-11-15 12:56 a.m.

I'm weaning off the Prednisone the good part is I no longer want to fry up the cats and eat them with honey mustard sauce I finally got six hours of pure sleep, the bad part is my eyes are getting worse and so are my joints. I sat down and had a long talk with my body today. I'm not sure if it listened.

I'd be willing to go back on the Methopukesate if I could get by with a lower dosage and if I can get some doctor prescribed speed. You heard me. I'm serious. I haven't left the house in two years due to unrelenting fatigue. I eat right, I have a good sleep schedule (when drugs aren't interfering with it), I've been exercising lightly, and I've got a healthy BMI. I really don't know what else the hell I can do. I want whatever they gave all those housewives in the 50s that made them super happy and skinny. Damn the side effects. I want my frickin' life back. I want anyone's life back.

I posted a new comic. It's not terribly funny, it just shows my mounting sexual frustration. Some poor boy is going to get cornered by me soon. He'll never know what hit him. I agree with Athena, writing sex scenes while single is painful.

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In my world of fantasy, wont you dance with me?
2006-11-13 11:03 p.m.

This makes me believe in love. I don't know why.

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Arm Pitty Goodness.
2006-11-13 10:19 p.m.

I spent a whopping seventeen dollars on deoderant. You may be wondering why. It's special magical deoderant. It's scented with Donna Karan's Cashmere Mist and it's so yummy, I want to lick my own armpits. Maybe not, but you get my point. Now when I sweat I smell like perfume. It's amazing. Stupid little things like this make me happy. I may be going blind but my pits smell fabulous.

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Naughty quickly written words.
2006-11-13 12:48 p.m.

Okay, I've posted the three way paralytic sex scene for your viewing pleasure. Please be over eighteen if you're going to click on the link. It's basically erotica.

The year before last I challenged myself to write a novel with full intact sex scenes. Normally I've been a "close the door in the reader's face" type of romance writer. I've found that I kind of like writing the naughty stuff but I'm still getting used to it. So while I say this is the dirtiest thing I've ever written it's probably not the dirtiest thing you've ever read. Also remember, this is part of my NaNoWriMo novel which means it's written fast with no editing. This is very rough. Dont try to correct my grammar, point of view or verb tenses. If there's something big, like you can't figure out whose talking to who or what position they're in go ahead and comment, but don't waste your time critiquing a rough draft. Basically, I want to know if it was titallating and did it make you want to read more? *Fans self with hand* I need to get some work done now.

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