He wants his ten pints back.
2008-09-28 5:14 p.m.

I had a bizarre dream last night. Come to think of it, does anyone have mundane dreams? I mean, does anyone blog about how they had a dream they made a toasted cheese sandwhich and it was delicious? Where's the Freudian or Jungian fascination in that? I'm sure if I worked hard enough I could come up with something. Like how your mother quit breast feeding you too soon and the cheese is really a breast milk substitute (Freud) and the making of one's own golden toasted sandwich is really a metaphor for the hero's journey for golden fleece (Jung). Or some other such nonsense.

Anyway, back to the morass of my twisted mind: I was in some sort of aquatic caravan and was on a ferry boat sitting next to Patricia Morrison, former bassist and now married to my imaginary boyfriend, Dave Vanian. Did you get all of that? So anywho, I was showing Patricia (we're on a first name basis) my Dave Vanian action figure doll (oh, if only there was such a lovely item) and telling her how I really wanted it signed across it's chest with a sharpie by Dave, along with my own chest for that matter, and she called him on her cellphone and got his voicemail. While she was telling him what a fantastic fan I was she kept snapping her fingers at me so I could come up with a list of all the cool Damned vinyl memorabilia I had, like the red 45 of There Ain't No Sanity Clause and the Picture Vinyl that's actually an interview with the whole band and Eloise on blue vinyl. Then I sat straight up in bed and yelled out: "Vanian had a visit from a guy named Drac. Says he's from the blood bank wants his ten pints back!" This sent the cats running from the room, either in search for blood or in terror, I was too groggy to figure it out. And I wonder why no one will marry me.

6 People have tried to sell me Viagra
2008-09-26 4:08 a.m.

At the end of my yard I share this old wooden fence with my neighbors. Peeking above this fence were some pretty sunflowers. I took my camera and had to stand on a chair and hold the camera over my head in order to get the flowers in the shot. Then I did some funky Photoshopification on it. Wouldn't this make a cute greeting card? I just love the flowers peeking about amongst the rooftops and fences.


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Such a Sucker
2008-09-21 1:39 a.m.

I'm a happily ever after crier. I wish I could blame it on being read fairy tales when I was little or the fact that I didn't go to my high school prom, but I'm just a sappy love starved girl who still believes Mr. Sexy Prince Pants is out there somewhere waiting for me. Right now he's leaning against the window frame in his villa overlooking the vineyard and he's sighing softly to himself in the dark while imaging me typing on my computer in the dark wearing a t-shirt, knee high argyle socks with my hair in pigtails. Hmmm. Well, maybe not.

Anyway, the point I was getting to before I waxed rhapsodic, was I just finished watching the anime series Ouran HIgh School Host Club, which is basically a reverse harem of cute boys and one blackmailed cross dressing girl and their ostentatious Host Club where they whore rent themselves out to rich girls and flirt with them shamelessly and eat a lot cake. There's also quite a bit of dressing up and dramatic scenery changes. They are rich after all. Except for Haruhi waifish pretend boy that all the host club members end up developing crushes on. So I'm in bed crying while watching it on my iPhone, because Tamaki is driving to the airport to marry some rich bitch and Haruhi is chasing him in a horse and carriage after ripping off her wig and dress and is just her sweaty sleek self with short hair in a flowing chemise. The carriage tips on the bridge and she falls off with her hand outstretched to Tamaki. Without thinking, he leaps from the speeding convertible and they fly through the air together, finally grasping hands, then each other, before crashing into the water together. Then the live happily ever after. And everyone is rich. Please excuse me, I'm going to go get another box of tissues. *snarf!*

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I caught my roommates f*cking.
2008-09-20 1:52 a.m.

I'm just going to come out and say it. He's bad in bed. He has no concept of the fundamentals of sex. I also question whether he knows exactly where a female's ho-ha is located. How do I know this? Because I walked in on them having sex. I admit I stood there and watched. I was kind of confused and possibly in shock. At first I had no idea what they were doing. Then it began to make some sense. Sort of. They were in "doggie" position, but he was way up on her back. And he was biting the back of her neck. Hard. She was yelling and he was trying to climb up even higher on her back and was just kind of lying on top of her and not really moving. Kind of like "STFU, I know what I'm doing. I saw this on the internet." Finally, I just had to put a stop to it. I picked up my cat and shook my finger at him as my girl cat ran away to groom herself and get the boy cat spit off her neck. "She's not that kind of cat!" I yelled. "Plus, you're doing it all wrong! And you don't even have any balls. They burned them off at the vet's office when you were eight months old. Don't you remember?" "Merow?" "I don't know why you're horny." "Mrow, mrow!" "Yes, I know she's technically not your sister, but she's not into it. Can't you tell? When you bite her neck she screams and it's not a good 'Oh baby do it again' scream, it's a 'What the hell are you doing, get off me, you're heavy' scream. "Meow?" "I don't know. Take a cold shower or go read a magazine." *snort* I set him down and he went off looking for Trinity.

5 People have tried to sell me Viagra
What a date and mangoes!
2008-09-17 11:43 p.m.

On Friday my neighbor took me out for some beer and pool. It was a date. I think it was a date. It felt like a date. On our way to the bar we were figuring out how long we'd lived next door to each other and this was the first time in that eight years we'd done something social together. There were three open pool tables and the pool was free so we had to play. At one point we partnered up with a couple of young iron welders. Andrew, (Drunk iron welder number one) asked how long we had been together and I happily said "eight years!" at which point bourbon and coke came out of my neighbor's nose. Then we went over how relationships work best when you live in separate houses. They really do. As usual I missed all the easy shots and made the hard ones. Red (not so drunk welder number two) was a bit of a pool shark and we found out he has a pool table in his basement. Good thing we weren't playing for money.

That's been the high point of my week. Possibly the last year, we'll see. Just so you know, I just ate a perfectly ripe mango. The kind that's barely firm and juice runs down your chin, but you don't care because it's just you and the cat. Trinity loves mangoes. When I finished cutting it up in the kitchen I yelled: "Man-go!" and she came running. Loki came too, hoping that perhaps I had forgotten the word "chicken" and accidentally said mango instead. He watched Trin daintily eat piece after piece of beautiful ripe mango. He would go sniff the plate and then sniff my hand to make sure I wasn't swapping the mango for some steak somewhere between the plate and her mouth. Then he'd stomp around in a circle and meow: "It's not fair! It's not fair!" I would feel bad for him, but he tastes a lot of my food and the only human food Trin likes is Mango and teriyaki chicken fed to her with exquisitely decorated lacquered chopsticks. Neither of which I eat regularly. I guess tonight was girl's night. Loki's now in the bathroom alone eating a spider. He asked me to feed it to him with chopsticks but I have to draw the line in the litterbox somewhere.

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