Are you looking for love?
2006-01-29 10:39 a.m.

"You get stage fright because you are a nice person. Mean people never get stage fright!" The cab driver yells into the backseat at me. My fingers are gripping the seat tightly and I'm trying to calculate the tensile stregth of the seatbelt as Zemede blows through a red light at 65 miles per hour. I called ahead and asked for a cab at 8:30pm exactly so I could get to the improv show a little before nine. They sent me Zemede at 8:10 pm and I was certain we'd get there by 8:19pm and not a second later. After we arrived, Zemede ran my credit card, as I tried to swallow my internal organs back into place. "You want I should leave tip?" He asks and raises an eyebrow at me. "Three dolla," I say to him. He nods approvingly and adds three bucks onto my already expensive cab ride. What the hell do I know, I never take cabs. Are you supposed to tip? Am I supposed to tip more because he got me here at the speed of light? The last time I was in the backseat of a cab, I was drunk and concentrating on not barfing on the floorboards. I don't remember paying, let a lone tipping. Thank the goddess for good friends who do all that stuff for me when I'm incapacitated.

I was so early I volunteered at the door taking money and selling snacks through intermission. We had two church groups and a large contingency from Romania. It was a big crowd and they seemed to really enjoy the show. When it was time for my group to go on around 10:30pm, we still had a full theatre. We did a nice long form improv show called Close Quarters, where all scenes were within 15 minutes of each other and in the same location (a prison as it turned out). The audience laughed a lot and I had a hard time not cracking up myself when Brooke asked me "Are you looking for love?" I really wasn't that nervous when I got on stage this time. I suppose I'm either getting used to it or turning into a meaner person.

The best part of the night was the owner of CZ patted me on the back and said "Nice job, KFK!" Not only did he tell me I did good, but he knew my name and touched me. Awesome! Praise from Caesar. As usual, drinks at McMenamin's (tip three dolla) afterwards was a wonderful time to unwind, share notes and just drink. It also gave me a chance to finagle a ride home so I didn't have to pay $23 for something akin to the Zipper ride at the fair. I may no longer get stage fright but now I'm deathly afraid of cabs.

3 People have tried to sell me Viagra
Hi ya, surgar-nuts.
2006-01-27 3:18 p.m.

My car is still in the shop, although they promised me this morning that they were finally putting her back together and other then replacing seals, gaskets and a timing belt, they couldn't find anything wrong. There is the issue of an annoying sound that can't be identified which we're hoping will magically go away when the engine is reassembled. *fingers crossed*

Last night I hitched a ride to improv class after a three month hiatus. We had a random appearance of a group of improvisers from Spokane named Cool Whip who were touring the west coast this week, teaching and attending workshops. They were a fabulous young group of kids (I say kids, because I believe they're associated with Whitworth college and anyone younger than thirty is a kid in my book). They were a lot of fun and I hope they come back town. Plus they made the class nice and big which is always a good thing. The more doofuses in a room the better, I always say. By the way - I'll be performing After Hours Saturday night at ComedySportz, if anyone wants to go to the show. It'll be hysterical and if rehearsal is any clue to what's in store: think weird wife swapping factory workers galore. And drugs, lots of drugs.

Aside from a huge car repair bill, I fear that my beloved iBook is dying. It's freezing up on me constantly, no matter what program I'm running and it's being incredibly snotty about restarting - like it won't 87.2% of the time. Plus, it's hot, as in frying pan hot even when it's turned off. I'm afraid my laptop has the ebola virus and will be feverishly spewing bytes from all its orfices if I don't do something drastic. So now, I'm stuck with the issue of buying another laptop like one of the new MacBookPros *wipes drool from corner of mouth* or sending my iBook off to the Apple Care Center for a complete overhaul. Maybe they can stick in a bigger hard drive, new CD burner and faster logic board. I don't really need a new laptop. I can't really afford a new laptop. I just want one. And just to demonstrate how horrible I've been with money lately, I've had the UPS guy here three times today, the Fed-ex lady once, DHL once and I'm fairly certain I've given my mail carrier a hernia. Someone take my credit cards away from me quick.

ADDENDUM 8:54 p.m.: I just ran the Apple Hardward Test CD and discovered that my RAM went bad. The good news is that it was not the built in RAM but the additional I installed when I bought the computer a few years ago. This is good news, it's the cheapest fix I could have hoped for - as long as that's all that's wrong with it...

2 People have tried to sell me Viagra
New medication information received from a coworker.
2006-01-26 2:38 p.m.

Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive? If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila®.

Tequila® is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Tequila® can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Tequila® almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila®.

Tequila® may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila®. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

6 People have tried to sell me Viagra
And I thought my feet were small.
2006-01-25 3:47 p.m.

I got home from work last night and immediately ripped off my fancy work clothes and crawled into bed to finish Snow Flower and the Secret Fan. The book discusses the secret Chinese womenís writing of Nushu and goes into great detail about foot binding. Iíve always known about foot binding. I knew that it was a way to stunt the growth of feet by wrapping them tightly in bandages but I didnít know that the feet were actually bound in such a way that they were folded under then the girls are forced to walk on them until the foot bones break. A "perfect" foot is suppose to be no more than seven centimeters and shaped like a lotus flower with a little pocket underneath where the flesh is folded over. The main characterís sister actually dies during the foot binding process due to gangrene. This apparently wasnít all too uncommon. Iím really not surprised at the whole foot fetish thing, which is why I have not performed a google search on foot binding to learn more. I really donít have the time or effort to sift through all the prawnography that will pop up (no pun intended). Itís just such a strange phenomena and Iím surprised at how long it lasted (into the fifties in rural China). Big footed girls were the servants, they needed their feet to do work, but tiny footed girls were wives and the aristocracy. They didnít need to be able to walk or run, they had people to carry them.

4 People have tried to sell me Viagra
Car troubles, other people's snot and prescriptions.
2006-01-24 3:22 p.m.

Theyíre operating on my baby as I write this. Theyíre opening up her cylinder head to figure out what all that racket inside of her is. My poor Miata swallowed part of her sparkplug and is now paying the price Ė more to the point, Iíll be paying the price. Weíre at five hundred dollars and counting. Dear lord, owning a car is expensive, but it beats public transportation. I had to take the bus into work today and must have forgotten to take that little sign off my forehead that said "If youíre a freak please talk to me." My iPod did nothing to deter the Chatty Cathys. Iím considering buying a book this afternoon so Iíll have another device to fend off the loonies. I also found myself totally freaking out any time someone sniffled, hacked, coughed or sneezed in my direction. Iím on Prednisone right now and therefore have no immune system. Zilch. Nada. Nothing. A snotty child could look at me and Iíd collapse onto the ground in a raging fit of rheumatic fever. Perhaps Iím over exaggerating.

Speaking of immune systems, as some of you homeys know, I work for an insurance company and we have physicians that consult for us. In my job I actually get to meet face to face with them and discuss medical records, conditions and treatments. Weíre not supposed to ask them about our own medical problems, but we all do. I mean, come on, after ten years Iíve gotten to be pretty good friends with the docs. I just spent some time asking one of them about Methotrexate therapy and he had some surprisingly good things to say about it. Stuff like: it will make you feel better, itís better than prednisone and your hair wonít fall out. Good to know because I like having hair and I like feeling better.

4 People have tried to sell me Viagra
Hacking, magnets and breaking up with my phone carrier.
2006-01-23 12:01 a.m.

Without her knowlege or permission (that's what you get for giving me your password) my brother and I gave Angi's Diary a complete overhaul. I even archived her older entries for her. That shows how nice of a hacker I am. And wow, she's been blogging since August 9, 2004. If you don't currently read her, you should, because she's hella funny, sexy and needs some more internet buds. She's always told me that I'm the funny one, but she cracks me the heck up. Her single gal innovations are quite amusing. I like the thong panties as calling cards. However, I'm thinking wearing about ten pairs at once could impair your sexy cat walk. Drop by and give her a hearty hello.

I'm in the process of dumping Qwest. I'm sorry but it's not you, it's me. Okay, that's a load of crap. It's totally you. You cost me $135 for a residential phone line, DSL, and ISP that no longer supports Macs with an hour call to the parental unit! Puh-lease. You suck! I'm getting a cable modem and the cheap ass Vonage plan. The money saved will go to medical bills and push up bras. It's a win win situation. Or would that be win win win?

The Automo-Vicious is officially dead. Rebecca came over today and fished around in the engine for the tiny pice that broke off the sparkplug with a super strong tiny magnet stuffed into a length of pantyhose. Alas, nothing was found other than gunk. I guess I'll have to have it towed to the dealership tomorrow and ask them to open up the caburetor, sweep it out then put in new plugs. Hopefully nothing terrible has happened inside of the engine that will cost me thousands of dollars. That would suck.

3 People have tried to sell me Viagra

Previous | Next