Word to your mother.
2005-05-08 8:45 p.m.
In celebration of Mother's Day I'd like to give you a list of Momisms. These are all things that my mother actually said to me growing up. In fact, I found myself saying quite a few of these myself when I worked at a Day Care Center.
* Don�t put that in your mouth, you don�t know where it�s been.
* If you keep doing that with your eyes they�ll stick that way.
* Don�t blame me, you chose us. 1
* Nothing good ever happens after midnight.
* I�ll knock you into next week.
* I curse you with a child as evil as you are.
* Don�t give me that look. 2
* I brought you into this world and I can take you out.
* Don�t make me come in there.
* I'll give you something to cry about.
* If all your friend�s jumped off the Narrows Bridge would you?
* Turn off That Damned Music. 3
* I wish you have 12 children as messy as you are.
* You don�t have to be everyone�s friend.
* If you go to bed with wet hair you�ll wake up with a cold.
* Wow, those boobs didn�t come from my side of the family.
* If you want to horse around, go outside.
* I�ll slap that smile right off your face.
1. My mother has always labored under the assumption that we choose our parents before we are born. Therefore, whenever I complained about how horrible my parents were, they would throw the responsibility back on me.
2. This was always said when her back was turned to me. I have no idea how she knew I was making that face. There must be something about motherhood and the sprouting of a third eye in the back of the head.
3. Once I started listening to The Damned this became a hysterical joke in the family. All punk music was known as That Damned Music. My father was just as amused when I started listening to Garbage so he could yell �Turn off that Garbage� at me.
What did your mom say to you?
They will not be exploding anytime soon.
2005-05-06 9:57 p.m.
I finally got my referral to rheumatology, I'm going in next Friday. They're sending me a huge questionnairre in the mail that I'm supposed to fill out in intricate detail. Not a problem, I've got a notebook full of notes. If it's one thing the insurance industry has taught me is documentation, documentation, documentation.
I had my appointment with my physiatrist this afternoon. She reassured me that my back pain was musculoskeletal in nature and probably not related to the other crap that's going on with me. She also promised me that my kidneys were not going to explode (they felt like they were). I think her exact words were: "You're structurally sound and once they figure out what the hell is wrong with you it'll be totally treatable and you'll be just fine." She gave me a new muscle relaxant (the left side of my back is knotted up extremely tight which is causing the low back pain) and reassured me that I would not only live, but I'd be back to normal sometime soon.
Francesca came ove and made me an incredibly healthy dinner. We drank wine and watched Shaolin Soccer and Harvey Birdman Attorney at Law. I am super excited to find someone else that thought Shaolin Soccer was as hysterical as I did.
If you're in town, my Kung Fu School is having an open house tomorrow. Check it out and get a deal on classes. You too can have an iron leg.
1 People have tried to sell me Viagrabitch bitch bitch moan moan moan
2005-05-05 9:49 a.m.
I�ve given up coffee. Why? Because it dries out my mouth even more and I can�t taste it, so what�s the point? Oh how I miss my grande shot in the dark with a splash of skim milk (just to cool it down). I miss the aroma. I miss the buzz. Le sigh.
I called my psychic friend in Seattle and she�s officially on the Cure KFK Team 2005. I�m also blessed with fabulous friends like Francesca who promised to drive my blind ass to writing group next week. Now if I could just find a way to get to improv.
Here�s my main problem. I hate asking people for help. I�ve always prided myself on being 100% independent. Life has screwed me in a few ways and I�ve always been able to take care of myself. Asking someone to help me out is excruciating. It�s embarrassing and I feel all apologetic. I have no problem helping other people, but when it comes to my own autonomy, I can�t stand it. Argh.
Needles, Chinese herbs and more waiting.
2005-05-04 10:35 p.m.
I was feeling quite sickly today so I called my acupunturist to see if I could get on his cancellation list. Usually there's a three week wait to get in. As usual, kismet was on my side - he just got a cancellation for his noon appointment. I ran in, cried, sniffled and basically freaked out.
He hugged me and reassured me that I was going to be okay. He promised that he was going to be here with me every step of the way. How many doctors do that for you?
Then he stuck a bunch of needles in me. I got to lie in my favorite room for an hour and go half astral while my chi hummed along at a nice pace. I was also given seven packets of H09 to take for the rest of the week. Luckily it tastes pretty good. I've had some pretty nasty tasting Chinese herbs prescribed to me before. I go in for a quick pulse check next week and then I start four more sessions of needle work.
I love acupuncture. It makes me feel so good while I'm getting it done and it make me all psychic. I get intuitive readings from the people in the building and I leave my body and zip around visiting people. I know that sounds ultra wu wu, but that's what it feels like.
I'm still waiting on my bloodwork from the HMO. I guess they had to send some of the testing to an outside lab, so it may be awhile. I still haven't gotten my referral to rheumatology. Grrr. I know I'll begin to calm down once I know just what the hell is wrong with me.
I want my life back.
1 People have tried to sell me ViagraThe ABC Link Game
2005-05-03 11:58 a.m.
These are my URL ABCs:
A is for acronyminc.com/blog/ - Keeping up with Mr. Rich
B is for blogdex.net - Because I'm addicted to blogdex
C is for comedysportz.net/forum/index.php - Or ChatterngMagpie.com or Cherz.com
D is for defectiveyeti.com/ - Dooce was also up there.
E is for emedicinehealth.com - For my own health as well as work.
F is for flickr.com - Pictures are pretty.
G is for gmail.google.com - Because my Gmail account is suddenly getting busy.
H is for hissandtell.diaryland.com - Because I clicked on a banner
K is for kungfuramone.org - My kung fu counterpart.
L is for leebozeebo.com - Because I might have gotten him pregnant. Sorry about that.
M is for monkey.org/~redmonk/blog - I like to stalk my old kung fu mates.
N is for nerdygirl.com - N could not stand for anyone else.
O is for outfoxed.diaryland.com - The most eloquent man on diaryland.
P is for portlandmercury.com - I don't remember what I was reading here.
R is for rxlist.com - Everything you ever wanted to know about prescription medication.
S is for sitemeter.com - Have you visited my site yet? Have you? Have you?
T is for timmietv.nl - In another galaxy, far far away.
U is for upsaid.com/eurotrash - I envy her shoe collection.
W is for wellsfargo.com - I have to balance my checkbook sometime.
Biohazard.
2005-05-03 9:41 a.m.
I woke up early so I could go visit the vampires at my HMO. They took three huge vials of blood. Getting blood drawn used to really freak me out. I could never watch. Now, I�m kind of used to it. This time I watched in amazement as my blood filled up the large tubes. It was cool in a painful gross sort of way.
I guess turn around time for bloodwork there is only half a day. I may even know by tonight what the hell my body is doing to me. I sent a note off to my doc this morning and then promised to leave her alone for awhile. Now all I have to do is sit and wait. Wait and see what kind of story my blood tells. Sit and wait for rheumatology to call me. Sit and wait and see what swells up or dries out again. Annoying. Le sigh.
The worst part is the vision. By 4:00pm I�m as good as blind. My eyes get so dry that I can�t see. No driving. No leaving the house. No television. No computer work. No nothing. I can read all right. I still use my laptop, the screen is just inches away from my face. Pain in the ass. I�m experimenting with using eye drops hourly to see if I can extend my visual acuity. I�m also varying the contact lenses and glasses, seeing if that makes a difference.
Now you know why I�ve been posting fiction rather than blathering on about this. Medical conditions are depressing. I�m too young for this shit.
Marae and David the Assasin.
2005-05-02 2:44 p.m.
I followed David out to the car. I was surprised to find that he was driving us himself this time. We took the black SUV out of the driveway and headed towards downtown Seattle.
"Where are we going?" I asked and fingered the gilt dagger at my waist. He wouldn�t let me bring my sword, too conspicuous.
"We�ve been hired to wipe out a nest of night stalkers."
"Night stalkers?" I asked. I could feel the skin between my breasts tingle. I told myself that it was only my imagination, that my body was not responding to the words that came out of his mouth.
"That is your function is it not?" he asked.
I breathed deep. "It was. I really thought I�d only have to do it the one time."
"You are holder of the Avenger�s Cross. Your sacred duty is to kill night stalkers."
"I�m a Buddhist," I said angrily. "I have no sacred duty. I�m not supposed to kill people. I�m not even supposed to eat animals."
David smiled wide enough so I could see the points of his incisors in the darkness of the car.
"What�s so amusing?" I asked.
"You are. You�re much different than the others,"
I lunged at him and was nearly over the stick shift. I held the lapel of his jacket in both hands as the car swerved and he tried to regain control of the steering wheel.
"You knew the others. The others who held the Avenger�s Cross?" I spat at him.
He grabbed me like a kitten by the back of the neck and pulled me across his lap so he could reach his arms around me and continue to drive. My face was even with his chin and he looked over the top of my head as he drove.
"Tell me!" I yelled at him.
"You do not make commands of me," he said, his voice deathly calm.
"I need to know about the others. You will tell me."
He was silent. I could see his jaw strain. "Please, tell me about the others, Master." he corrected.
"I refuse-"
"Before you finish that sentence I want to you consider the following," he said, his voice still calm and neutral. "I can have my hand inside your chest and the Avenger�s Cross ripped out before you utter another word. Do not test me, little one. Do not refuse."
I sat in silence, almost afraid to move, as if the very act of breathing would be considered insolent. I couldn�t tell if he was serious. Calling him Master grated on every ounce of self-respect that I had, but I didn�t want to die. Not just yet. My teeth tightly ground together and I whispered.
"Please, tell me about the others, Master."
He was quiet. I tried to move back to my seat but he grabbed me again by the nape of the neck and held me firmly in place until I quit struggling. I felt like a child, sitting upon his lap, and I imagined that driving couldn�t be very easy. I curled up against his body, trying to give him room to maneuver. It also meant that I didn�t have to stare at him, I didn�t have to risk the chance of meeting his eye.
"I knew of two others before you," he started quietly.
Let me cross her.
2005-05-02 10:05 a.m.
My body feels beaten and bruised, thoroughly pummeled, by nothing more than soft sheets on an old mattress. I�ve had Marae Venger trampling through my mind while I slept. She battles until she�s left for dead. As she dies she can hear Shelley pulling Will away from her collapsed body as the blood pools around her.
"Let me change her. Let me cross her!" Will screams. He�s nearly out of his mind.
"That�s not her wish. Have you seen the way that she looks at us? Have you seen the way she looks at you when she doesn�t think you�re watching." Shelley says sadly and pulls him away as the police lights converge.
Marae wakes up in the morgue, out of breath, wrapped in sterile plastic - scheduled for autopsy later that day. She scavenges for scrubs and makes her way into the streets. It�s getting close to daylight. If she stays in the sun will she die? Did she already die? Has it been three days?
At the door of the grand estate she scratches on the door with ruined fingertips.
"Am I?" Are the only two words she can get out when Shelley opens the door.
He�d be more amused if it wasn�t for the state she was in. He�d never seen her so weak before. She wasn�t the avenger now. She was nothing more than a broken doll.
"No, you aren�t." But he pulls her inside before the sun rises anyway.