Insert string of swear words here.
2005-05-01 7:25 p.m.

God damn it. I'm pretty sure I've got this fucking autoimmune disorder. I also have a foul mouth, too, as you can tell from the proceeding sentences. This whole dry eye business has made me pretty much legally blind the by the end of the day. I can read books and do close up work on the computer while squinting but that's pretty much it. I cannot, however, drive or read the Tivo screen on my television. I can watch cartoons but dramas are hard to follow. Crap, just kill me now.

I signed up for a new pilot program with my HMO where I can e-mail directly with my doctor. I'm hoping this will save time and mixed up messages from crazy nurses. My doctor is actually a Physician's Assistant but she's been my provider for ten years and knows me inside and out (literally). I sent her a message asking her if I should get the rheumatology bloodwork done. Then we'll look at meds and treatment. I want to be able to see better, get rid of all this back and joint pain and keep my glands from swelling up.

I mowed my front lawn today with the $10 lawn mower my dad bought me. Yes, my dad found an electric lawn mower on clearance clearance clearance at Home Deopt and bought it for me. It totally rocked! It cut down the foot high grass without any clogging or stalling. Nice. However, I had the shakes for 45 minutes when I was done. Then I had to lay down for a couple of hours and watch the remainder of the Hellsing series (Thanks Leebo!) before I could do anything else. I guess my body is still recovering. Stupid sexy Flanders.

0 People have tried to sell me Viagra
Ear, Noth and Throat.
2005-04-29 9:54 p.m.

I went to the ENT today to follow up with the parotid gland infection that I've been fighting off since, uh, February. He was a really nice doctor and did an extremely thorough exam even though I was pretty much symptom free. He thinks I had an infection that the second round of antibiotics finally cleared up. Worse case scenario could be Sjogren's Syndrome. So if my symptoms come back we'll do some blood work but we're hoping it was just a *blip*.

There was a very interesting finding he came up with when he was looking up my nose. I was sitting there with my head tilted back and he said "Oh my God! Who broke your nose?" "My noth?" I asked. (It's hard to talk when there's a tube up your nostril). Apparently, the cartilage in my nose is broken off at a 45 degree angle. This explains why I can only sleep on my left side, I can't breathe when I try to sleep on my right. I'm pretty sure I know who the culprit is. (Scroll down to the second paragrah of My Purple Sash Test). Of course, I also have many traumatic childhood memories of getting hit in the face with a football, basketball, softball, hardball, dogeball and running into the monkey bars. The ENT couldn't tell how long it had been broken. He recommended that I get surgery at some time to straighten out the broken cartilage. I asked him if they could take a little off the tip while they were doing it. Yep. I just may get that rhinoplasty I've wanted since I was ten years old afterall.

Also, thanks for all the great song recommendations! Keep em coming. I'm making a list, I think this will have to be a two CD party compilation. This will probably call for another KFK CD give-away.

2 People have tried to sell me Viagra
A little help.
2005-04-28 11:28 p.m.

I need your help. I'm making a compilation CD for a friend's party next week. I wanted to come up with a playlist that would have those songs that everyone knows and can sing along with - songs that people can't help but dance to when they're really drunk. Here's what I have so far:

Every Little Thing She Does is Magic - The Police
Ice Ice Baby - Vanilla Ice
Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen
Pinball Wizard - The Who
Baby Got Back - Sir Mix A Lot
Unbelievable - EMF

What else can I put on here? My mind has gone blank. What gets you dancing despite your better judgement?

15 People have tried to sell me Viagra
Holy Shucking Fit, Batman!
2005-04-28 4:32 p.m.

My car has been running hot lately and I was overdue for an oil change so I thought I'd stop by Jiffy Lube on my way home. I noticed this morning that my car didn't sound quite right. I was hoping that a cheap miracle oil change was all that I needed.

When I was about 1/4 mile away from Jiffy Lube my car had some sort of attack. It was like it was trying to scream, barf and fart all at the same time. My adorable little Mazda Miata was making the kind of noises that should not be coming out of a tiny adorable sports car. The stick shift was bouncing around so hard I could hardly hold onto it. While I was stuck at the red light I prayed to St. FiFi (the patron saint of Blondes in Sportscars) to get me to Jiffy Lube. Just get me Jiffy Lube, I prayed, and all will be well.

I pulled into the bay of Jiffy Lube while my car made loud embarassing exhaust noises. It was like I had taken her to a bad Mexican buffet.

"I THINK SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOUR MUFFLER." JL guy number one yelled at me.

I was led to the tiny glassed in waiting room to await my oil change and obligatory turning down of unnecessary services. Pretty soon every single Jiffy Lube mechanic was surrounding the hood of my car. There were about fifteen of them. When you normally get an oil change, you don't get to see all the albino Jiffy Lube trolls that they hide in the bays underneath the cars. All of them were under my hood, poking and prodding with different tools. I think it was the most action my car had ever experienced.

JL guy number two comes into the waiting room and informs me that my car had spontaneously barfed up one of its spark plugs. He then began to theorize that someone had tampered with my car. Unfortunately, I know better. A few months ago you may have remembered that I was having engine problems. I changed my own damn spark plugs and thought I was the schizzle. It appears that Righty Tighty for this Lefty Loosey [instert slut joke here] may not be tighty enough. Oops.

There was some drama about whether or not a Jiffy Lube employee could legally put a spark plug back into my engine as they're not supposed to repair stuff, just lube stuff. I made big doe eyes and gently laid my hand on JLG2's arm (after making sure that my cardigan covered all my spots, less he think I'm contagious) and begged him to screw in my spark plug. Don't make me drive home on three cylanders, my eyes begged him.

It must have worked because every single Jiffy Lube employee assisted him in putting the single spark plug back in. I think they all enjoyed pretending to be real mechanics.

Dear car, I am so sorry. You're getting Texaco premium (with Techron) on your next fill up and a car wash (with wax). I promise.

2 People have tried to sell me Viagra
Back in the gray cubicle.
2005-04-28 10:09 a.m.

I�m back at work after nearly two weeks of sick leave. I think I�m just going to have to bite the bullet and file a disability claim for the time I was off work. I�ve got loads of medical documentation and pictures. Lots of pictures! So I figure it will be good. I just worry that payroll will screw everything up and I won�t get a paycheck in June because they�ll be all confused. Oh well. That�s what Visa is for, right?

Everyone here is all in a twitter. Apparently while I was out, my boss just got a big promotion and will be leaving us. Part of the reason I came to this department was to work for this particular guy. He�s funny, smart, competent and drinks gin and tonics. I�m not sure if I�ll find that kind of candor again, but I�m game. If things get weird with a new boss I�ll just look for another position. That�s the nice part about working for a huge company, if things get fun-kay, you just apply to another department. I�ve been doing this gig for three years, usually I move on after two.

So far today I have not scratched my torso once. You know what�s weird? My body looks like a war zone but my face is absolutely glowing. My complexion is completely clear and my skin is soft and smooth to the touch. I have no wrinkles. I�m still kind of blind, but at least I look good from the neck up. The facial gods are smiling on me.

0 People have tried to sell me Viagra
Spots are fading, the leopard colony will soon be just a memory.
2005-04-27 6:32 p.m.

Thanks to everyone who left some funny websites, jokes and notes for me yesterday. You guys rock! I'm beginning to feel a lot better. I'm not very itchy today. At least I'm able to resist the urge to rend my flesh. Due to the prednisone, I didn't get to sleep until close to 5:00am today and then got up at noon. My body is very confused. I took a nap this afternoon and had a very cool dream about being a novelist and a supermodel. Very strange. At least the supermodel part.

Around 4:00am, I pounded out a article on writing. It's pretty rough around the edges and is missing my trademark viperish edge, but that will come out with a couple of rewrites. I'll post it when it's cleaned up.

Now if you'll excuse me, I am going to eat girl scoundrel cookies and watch Trigun.

1 People have tried to sell me Viagra
Wide awake and no one to harrass.
2005-04-27 1:36 a.m.

Here's the bad thing about taking steroids (aside from the low voice and bulging muscles) - the inability to sleep. I was up until 3:30am last night and I'm afraid I'll have a repeat performance tonight. Luckily my doctor took me off work until Thursday but still, I know I'm going to wake up at 7:00am tomorrow morning just like normal. Oh well, it's a small price to pay for not incessantly ripping my skin up with my long fingernails. My spots are slowly fading but I'm still fairly itchy. I just took a long Aveeno oatmeal bath. I'm not sure that it's helping with the itching but at least now I smell like a cookie.

So let's see, I've burnt a bunch of CDs for friends and virtual friends, I've watched four episodes of Cowboy Bebop and updated my Amazon wishlist. Even the cats - who are supposed to be noctural - have forsaken me and gone to bed. I have a feeling it's going to be a long night morning. Leave me a comment and give me a funny website to visit.

12 People have tried to sell me Viagra
Day 1.5 in the Leopard Colony.
2005-04-25 4:36 p.m.

I went to my HMO today and was told that I had the most impressive case of antibiotic allergies that they had ever seen. Here's a picture of my back - I like how my dragon looks like he's trying to run away. If you take all of the people that are allergic to pennicilin, only five percent of those people are also allergic to Keflex. It's like I won the genetic freak code lottery.

I went to pick up my prescriptions in the pharmacy and had a cute perky little pharmacist. She asked what I needed the Prednisone for. I looked caustiously to my left and right then flashed her my stomach. She squealed in pleasure - pharmacists rarely get to see all the weird things that they're dispensing medication for. She then went on and on how great the medications were that I was getting and how I'll feel better in no time. I think I made her day.

6 People have tried to sell me Viagra
Day One in the Leopard Colony
2005-04-25 8:53 a.m.

Things are quiet in the Leopard Colony. I'm waiting to head out to a doctor's appointment. They have made vague promises about shooting me full of steroids or antihistimines. I expect I'll be able to bench press my car by this afternoon. That would sound much cooler if I didn't drive a miata.

There's not much to do when you're covered with spots and scratching yourself profusely. I've been watching a lot of Tivo. Trinity provided much entertainment last night with her dinner theatre antics. She also wants everyone to know that she does her own stunts. Click here for Trinity's QuickTime Movie.

Dear Lord, have you seen my spots???

2 People have tried to sell me Viagra

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