Why you should not buy beef jerky from the Shell Station.
2006-07-09 12:26 a.m.
I not only wanted to pay a hundred something dollars to fill up my tiny sportscar with premium gas, but I also wanted a Diet Coke and a car wash. In my pathetic life there is nothing more fun than turning up the music and singing at the top of your lungs while your car rocks and rolls along covered in suds and clear coat. Whatever that is.
So I'm standing waiting for that dinging noise that lets the cashier know that a car's tank is full and there's this single father on his cell phone next to me. He's completely ignoring his three year old little girl who has snot covering the lower half of her face. She looks directly at me and blows a gigantic snot bubble then daintily wipes it off with her hand and sleeve. Lovely. And I want one of these so badly, why? Can someone explain this to me?
Anyway, Snot Goblin stares at dad who is still ignoring her and talking to his fishing buddy and she decides that she is hungry. She opens the beef jerky container and pulls out big disc of dried meat. I'm watching in awe as she waves it around. I'm waiting for it to launch across the store. What will her dad do? Will he pay for it? Throw it away? Wipe it off and let her eat it? It stays firmly in her grasp and she shoves half of it into her snotty mouth.
Mmmmmm, good. She says to me with her eyes and by now I'm staring at the father and the cashier who are both ignoring said Snot Goblin. Snot Goblin pulls the disk out of her mouth and long strands of spit/snot dangle above the floor. Her dad hangs up the phone and suddenly remembers that he has some sort of offspring with him. He notices the jerky and chastises Snot Goblin for touching things and how many times has he told her not to touch stuff. HE THEN GRABS THE DISK OF BEEF JERKY OUT OF HER SNOTTY HANDS AND PUTS IT BACK IN THE CONTAINER. I stare at him and I'm so completely flabbergasted all I can say is: "Gah?"
"You number three?" The cashier yells at me. I hand her my credit card and point to the jerky contianer. "Gah." "You want wax with your wash?" "Gah." She thinks this means yes and adds on another dollar to my tab. I take my receipt with my car wash code on it and leave quickly before Snot Goblin can reach out and touch me.
"Have a nice day!" the gas jockey calls to me from across the lot. "Gah!" I call and wave.
0 People have tried to sell me ViagraNow a post brought to you by my cat.
2006-07-06 11:17 p.m.
A little known fact about my cat Trinity is that she is quite the little comedienne. In fact, she does hysterical impressions. Most of my friends have been forced to sit politely through her routines but for those of you who live far away, I give you my cat Trinny! *Applause*
Look, I'm a bunny rabbit!
I'm a seal, or an otter, take your pick. I look equally good as either.
I'm a fruit bat! Get it? I'm upsidedown? Don't get this confused with bunny, because they are totally different.
Last and not least is Scottish Fold. "You can take away my cat toys but you'll never take MY FREEEEEEDOM!" Thank you! Thank you! Don't forget to tip your waiter. I'm here every Thursday night.
The earwig that devoured Portland.
2006-07-04 7:43 p.m.
I have this obsessive compulsive ritual I go through every night before I get the house ready for bed. I look through the peephole on my door and when I'm satisfied that there's no knife weilding serial killers hanging out on my porch, I'll open the door and lock the screen door. I'm not fool hardy enough to think that such knife weilding serial killer would have any trouble ripping the screen door off the hinges, but I figure the noise alone would be enough to wake me up. Plus, I have a million deadbolts, a 15th century broadsword, sticks, knives and an alarm system.
So I was looking through the peephole and an earwig walked across the outside peephole. I screamed, jumped in the air and nearly blacked out. I thought for a moment my house was being attacked by a ten foot tall earwig. Oh. My. God. This thing was HUGE. This was the biggest ugliest bug I had ever seen and he was going to kill us all. I must have done my patented bug scream because Loki came stomping over and mewed inquiringly if I had something that needed to be killed? I had my hand on my heart and was hyperventilhating, when I slowly realized that the peephole enlarges small things and the bug was really tiny and would not eat me. Most likely.
I opened the door and there he was, near the top of the door, walking around in circles - I guess my screaming confused him or blew out his tiny eardrums. I quickly locked the screen door and slammed the front door - making damn sure the Earwig That Devoured Portland was securely outside.
0 People have tried to sell me ViagraBack to you Cokie.
2006-07-03 11:29 p.m.
In anticipation of American Blow Shit Up Day and because the temperature has rapidly dropped, thunder and lightening are competing with the neighborhood fireworks. I have half a mind to put on a nice suit, stick a black lipstick tube in my ear, grab a hairbrush and do a news feed:
KFK: Tap, tap, Is this thing on? Can you hear me Cokie Roberts? Yes? Hi there, this is Fi Fi Meringue reporting from Southeast Portland and there's some pretty serious fire power going on here. As you can see behind me we have some ten year olds putting M-80s in a mailbox and blowing the hell out of it.
*Ka-blam!*
Cokie Roberts: FiFi, are you all right, what was that? That was no mere M-80.
KFK: You're totally right Cokie, that was in fact, God, who is rather pissed off at me for posting that Jesus video earlier tonight. Honestly, I thought it was pretty funny but as we know, God doesn't have much of a sense of humor.
Cokie Roberts: Oh come on, I've got to disagree with you on that point, what about George Dubya?
KFK: I stand corrected.
Cokie Roberts: Now what's going on behind you? Are those sparklers, I'm seeing?
KFK: Yes, as you can see the mailbox has been completely demolished which, if any mail was inside, is a federal offense. The children are now playing with sparklers and, yes, I believe they are attempting to set each other on fire.
Cokie Roberts: Has there been any serious casualties in Southeast tonight?
KFK: Yes, I'm very sad to report that a thirteen year old boy had to go to hospital after having an illegal bottle rocket hit him in the shorts and blow up. He was screaming something about his 'nutsack' and an inability to father children in the future while they loaded him into the ambulance. There have also been numerous first degree burns resulting in time outs and one rather vigorous spanking.
Cokie Roberts: We appreciate you putting yourself in danger to bring us this important report. Be safe and we'll see you back in the studio tomorrow.
KFK: Thanks Cokie. This is FiFi Meringue, reminding you that shooting bottle rockets up your friend's shorts can have life long repercussions. Back to you, Cokie.
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