Panty safari.
2005-07-21 3:09 p.m.

I took a break this afternoon and did something that I�ve needed to do for a few months. Buy some new panties. I�ve been putting it off because I�m lazy and frankly, I�m not dating anyone so who�s going to notice that there�s a tiny hole in my lace jockey for her bikinis? Today I put my high heeled foot down and said to myself. �Self, you need some sexy new knickers to get you out of this slump.�

Buying underwear for men is easy. You�re either a boxer guy or a brief guy. I guess you could also be a gold lame banana holder guy or one of those sporty tight boxer brief boys but normally it�s not that complicated. You either like it tight or loose and it all comes in cotton. Easy smeasy.

For girls it�s much more complex. First there�s the fabric: cotton, spandex and/or nylon. Personally I hate cotton underwear. I know it�s supposed to be all organic and good for you because the fabric breathes but, ick - I can�t stand the way it gets damp and stretches out of shape. I have to have a good nylon/spandex mix that�s silky to the touch and tight enough to keep my booty in check. Second is how much booty coverage you need. I don�t care for thongs (see above). The hell with panty lines, I�ve spent most of my life trying to keep my underwear out of there, I�m not buying panties that does that on purpose. Third is leg coverage: boy shorts, bikini, string bikini or high cut. I have to have bikini. Lastly is how high it sits on your tummy: belly button, waist, low-rider or super-duper-low-rider-you-better-wax-regularly. I don�t own a lot of low rider stuff so at the waist or a little below is just dandy. Now try putting all that together along with the size variations for different manufacturers, color choices and you�ll see why buying underwear is like going on safari.

With that said, I bought seven pairs and I can�t wait to get home and put on the white lace bikini ones. Rowr.

3 People have tried to sell me Viagra
Call me.
2005-07-20 10:57 a.m.

Last time I was at a bar I did something totally brazen. I slipped a cute guy my phone number. I honestly can�t remember the last time I gave a complete stranger my digits in the hope that he�d show some interest and call. It was probably back in college - undergrad at that. I felt pretty secure doing this because he was staring at me all night long. It was totally junior high. I�d look at him and he�d look away. When I looked away I could see him watching me out of the corner of my eye. Whenever he walked by my table he�d cast longing friendly glances in my direction. All freaking night long. It�s been over and week and he hasn�t called me which leads me to suspect one of these conclusions:

1. He�s terminally shy. He will carry that card around with him for the rest of his life and be buried with my cellphone number.
2. He�s married/taken and can only look (stare? drool?) at other women (woman?).
3. He�s a closet transvestite who really liked my outfit.
4. He�s in the military and was shipping out for Iraq in the morning and didn�t want to get emotionally involved with a hot chick from Portland in case it detracted him from killing terrorists.
5. He wasn�t actually staring at me but at the wooden post I was sitting in front of.
6. He was a plastic surgeon and spent the night trying to figure out whether or not they were real (they are).
7. After he left the bar he was hit by a taxi and has been in the hospital and unable to use the telephone.

5 People have tried to sell me Viagra

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