Kungfukitten and the Hornets From Hell
2011-12-02 7:05 a.m.

It was the end of October, but so warm and nice outside that it still felt like mid summer. My handsome gardener was hacking away at the enormous tree that the city planted on the sidewalk and dragging the branches to the back yard compost pile. Now, I'm all for trees, in fact I rather like to think of myself as pro-tree, but this particular tree was the bane of my existence. Every summer it offered housing to millions of aphids that poop sticky slime all over my car and fence. In the winter the branches tangle up in power lines and snap off during ice storms and the roots are tearing up the sidewalk. Why couldn't they plant something smaller and more useful? Like maybe a nice fruit tree or some lovely cherry blossoms? It just seems like poor planning on someone's part.

But I digress. So anyway: lovely day, cute gardener, tra la la. I'm inside on the computer when I hear a low growling howling noise. I thought perhaps a grizzly bear had gotten lost in my backyard and was howling for directions. I was about to google "How to talk to bears" when I recognized the howling as emanating from my gardener. I ran to the front door and found him crumpled on the concrete steps, "They got me!" he said. I looked towards the backyard. "Who did? The bears?" "Bears? Bees. I stepped on a hornet's nest." He started growling again. "Take off your shirt." I demanded. Usually I'm not so forward but I saw two angry hornets crawling up his back. "I'm allergic." he said. I start to panic. "Do I need to call an ambulance?" "No, last time I went to the emergency room, they just gave me a Benadryl."

I couldn't get him to move from the front steps so I ran inside and got some Benadryl and a bottle of water. He looked very uncomfortable and was still growling. "Are you going to be all right?" I asked. "I can feel the poison moving through my body." he said. "Hmmm." "I feel like I'm going to pass out." "Yeah, I'm going to call 911 now." I said, whipping out my iPhone. He seemed reluctant, but I wasn't having any of it. I mollified him by saying I just wanted the paramedics to look at him, and he didn't have to go anywhere if he started to feel better. Within one minute we had two ambulances and one fire truck in front of my house. By now, he was starting to have a hard time focusing and his throat was closing up. They immediately whisked him to the hospital.

The next day my gardener told me he didn't remember the ambulance ride or how he got to the hospital. Lesson learned: when someone says they're allergic to bees and they get stung, take it seriously. He now has two epi pens that go everywhere with him. He was stung over 20 times. When they took off his pants, he had multiple stings from them going up his pant leg and literally kicking his butt. I really should have just stripped him down completely. (Wipes drool from corner of mouth) He was wearing his "skinny leg" jeans which gave me an amusing image of dragging his unconscious body around the yard by the pant legs. People tout me as a hero for saving his life but I blush and say, I'm no hero. I'm a Super Hero, baby.

4 People have tried to sell me Viagra

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