The mystery of the missing chicken breast.
2006-08-11 6:33 p.m.
I haven't eaten at McDonalds since March of this year and was craving a grilled chicken sandwhich. I found I could only eat half of it and was going to save the rest to eat later. I set the plate on the kitchen counter and went to get the mail. I came into the kitchen a few minutes later to this scene. Notice how my cats don't like tomatoes either.
Name: Loki
Alias: Loki McChicken Lover
Location: Window hammock belching loudly with mayonaise on his whiskers. Breath smells distinctly like spicy grilled chicken.
Name: Trinity
Alias: Sweet Little Angel Kitty
Location: Sleeping on the heated up washing machine, purring softly to herself. Breath smells like Iams dry cat food.
Now I'm not one to point fingers but you can guess which cat I yelled at. The same one that came in to see me a few minutes ago all cute and purring and rubbing against me. He was either apologizing, thanking me or asking if we have any feline pepto in the bathroom cabinet.
0 People have tried to sell me ViagraDo not mess with the Babushkas.
2006-08-11 1:18 a.m.
I don't think I've slept more than a couple hours per night for the last few days. My sleep cycle is seriously screwed up so it's no surprise that I'm wide awake at 1:00am mutitasking on the computer and passively watching another mindless episode of MXC. What is it about people getting hurt and falling in muddy water that is so fucking hysterical?
I put my garbage out a little before nine tonight. Usually the urban scavangers come by within an hour on bicycles or pushing big ass overloaded shopping carts and snap up the bottles (five cent deposit in Or-e-gun), so my ears pricked up when I heard someone rummaging through my garbage. I tip-toed over to the window and peeked between the heavy tapestry drapes. There was a big car parked in front of my house with the lights off and an overweight middle aged woman wearing a babushka going through my recyclables and putting them in a snazzy canvas bag.
I'm guessing the local chapter of the Russian Mafia isn't doing very well. You see, ever since I moved into the neighborhood, I've suffered under the delusion that it's run by the Rusian Mafia (Not to be confused with the eight year old mafia). This is due to all the Russian shops in the 'hood with their strange backward letters. There's also The International Meat Market (Not a strip club, I checked) that's always four luxury cars deep in the tiny parking lot. That's where they launder their money. I made the mistake of going in there once. Looking for international meat (insert joke here) and it was like I had walked into the wrong shop. The women in their babushkas stared at me, letting me know in no uncertain terms that not only could their husband kill me and feed me to the fishes if I disrespected them, but they could also give me the eye which would cause me to lose all my hair and break out in a vicious case of full body warts. I swear the boxes on the shelves were all empty props and the "meat" was really plastic pretend meat sitting in the fake cooler. I slowly walked out of the store backwards, bowing and adverting my eyes in deep respect.
After the woman had pilfered everything worth being pilfered in my garbage, she made a hand gesture towards my window. Oh crap, I thought, my cover's blown. I would like to think it was a happy friendly "Thanks for the cans and bottles" wave and not some Russian folk curse that will render me sterile. At least I still have my hair.
0 People have tried to sell me ViagraFor your reading pleasure.
2006-08-10 2:57 p.m.
Okay, I've been blathering on about Dave the Assasin for quite awhile now so I thought I'd post a bit of what I've been working on.
First of all, it starts with a vampire sex scene. Apparantly, Dave was horny, so it's rated NC-17 for Hot Vampire Sex. You've been warned! Don't read if you're underage or likely to be offended. Let me know if you like the characters and would be interested in reading more.
Disclaimer: I am not Helena Amelie Mayfaire. Aside from the fact we are both sluts, like scotch, have big boobs and sarcoidosis, she is a piece of fiction. So is Dave for that matter.
Click Here to Read The Covenant Part One.
0 People have tried to sell me ViagraUPS now hiring vampires.
2006-08-09 9:47 a.m.
Would you answer the door at 1:00 AM if UPS tried to deliever a package?
0 People have tried to sell me Viagra
This House is Haunted
2006-08-08 6:56 p.m.
Evidence 1: I was sitting watching television and heard the exact same noise that the floor makes when someone big is stomping through the the house. I completely freaked out. I grabbed the nearest weapons available and jumped to defend myself with...a ball point pen and a half empty bottle of Diet Coke. I stormed through the house, ready to take on the knife weilding serial killer with my, er, pen, only to find it was Loki sharpening his claws on the sharpening board that was rhythmically banging against the bedroom door. I needed to take a valium after that.
Evidence 2: Trinity was investigating the new outdoor broom that my father bought me when the broom, entirely of it's own volition, jumped out from behind the fridge and tried to kill her by flinging itself on her. She still can't walk past the fridge without arching her back and puffing up twice her normal size.
Evidence 3: Loki was doing laps around the house, gotta stay in shape, when Trin casually walked into the living room. He must have thought she was somewhere else because it scared him so bad he jumped vertically in the air about four feet. It was like he had little springs attached to his feet. Trin looked aroud her like "What? What are you freaking out about?" She then let him slowly stalk up to her and sniff her all over just to make sure it was really her and not the neighbor cat in disguise.
Evidence 4: You know how your mother always told you to cut away from yourself when using a sharp knife? There's a really good reason for that. I was trying to trim a little piece off my turkey burger and stabbed myself in the finger. I do stupid stuff all the time and did't give it more than an, ouch that hurt. It wasn't until I was getting blood everywhere, did I realize that I really cut the hell out of my finger. Is mayonaise an antibiotic?
Okay, so maybe the house isn't haunted. It's just filled with a bunch of morons. At least we entertain each other.
0 People have tried to sell me ViagraMy Blood- Break it on Down Now
2006-08-07 9:08 p.m.
I'm on vacation from work right now. Instead of doing disability for a couple of weeks I'm buring some vacation time. I'm pretty much not doing much of anything. I'm watching lots of Tivo, watering my new garden (thanks mom!), doing a bit of writing and reading books.
Today I wandered over to the tiny branch of my HMO in my 'hood to pick up some medication and to get my bimonthly bloodwork done. I'm signed up on their computer program so I get an e-mail when my test results are back so I can look them up online. I learned real fast that abnormal test results are inacessible to me. They don't tell you when something fucked up comes back. Those go to my doc then get mailed with his chicken scratch which says "normal abnormal test results." He might as well just write "meh" and sign his name. So I was not surprised that I got an e-mail saying a test was back. However, I was extremely surprised when it was the CBC. I have not had a normal CBC for three years! My white count is 4.0 (lowest point of normal) and my hemacrit 37 (lowest point of normal) but IT WAS ALL ENTIRELY NORMAL. So maybe this vague sense of getting better is not all in my head.
Of course I haven't got back the other tests which means the lab is still working on them or my liver and kidneys have exploded. We'll see. UPDATE: 11:06pm rest of the labwork came back and my livers and kidneys are still intact. I still can't believe I have more than two little white cells roaming around my body. I've got a full arsenal! I can be around people that sneeze. I can swap spit with people! I can go to the bathroom and not wash my hands - okay, I probably won't do that because it's icky but you get my drift.
Now if I could figure out why my ankles, fingers and wrists still feel like someone has smacked the hell of them with a hammer, I'd be doing fab. I'm also wondering if all this fatigue is due to being borderline anemic. Normally my red blood cell stuff is high normal - not this low. Still I'm giddy with excitement at the prospect of health and remission. Take that you God Damn Muther Fucker Sarcoidosis. Man, I'm tired. I need a nap.
Prettiness Under Cover
My father told me this plant is an Abutilon. All I know is it's a-beautiful! The flowers are bell shaped and face downward. I had to hold the camera down at dirt level in order to capture the pretty blooms. It's so hot here I have to water every evening or things start wilting and getting crispy.