Ready, aim, fire?
2008-07-05 1:29 a.m.

As it was the 4th of July I did what I usually do on this exciting holiday and sat on my front steps with a hose in one hand and my broadsword in the other in order to defend my house and keep it from burning down. Seriously, my entire neighborhood turns into a war zone on the 4th, it's absolutely crazy. I have no idea where these people get their fireworks from, but they're not from the legalized little stands that sell sparkly fountains and charcoal snakes. I'm fairly certain I saw a seven year old with a grenade launcher go traipsing down the alley singing something from High School Musical II. At one point when I was carefully cleaning my toenails with the tip of my sword a van pulled up and Christiane Amanpour jumped out with a cameraman and did a quick recap on how many houses were on fire and how many children had accidentally blown themselves with sparklers dipped in kerosene, gunpowder and napalm. She was then quickly bundled off to the nearest Sheraton hotel with a working generator. Things have since quieted down, I can hear things exploding, but they are about three blocks away in either direction. A rather uneventful holiday if you ask me.

7 People have tried to sell me Viagra
Things I don't recommend doing number 253.
2008-07-03 3:10 p.m.

I ordered some sweaters (winter's coming!) on sale from last week and they showed up today. My UPS man, being the master of disguise, that he is, hid the box on my porch in the sun inside my recycling bin. I was going through the pretty pretty clothes and trying to keep Loki from ingesting a large amount of tissue paper, when I noticed I had a free gift. A prize at the bottom of the box! A cute little bottle of Skinsationals Raspberry Fantastic flavored leg shaving cream. Oh. My. God. For moi? For free? How lovely. I immediately aimed the can directly at my left nostril and inhaled heavily. I could only get the barest scent of Raspberry Fantastic. In fact, it was so brief, I could not tell whether or not it was fantastic. So I thought I'll just push on the button for the briefest second, just long enough for a tiny waft of Raspberry Fantastic to tickle my nose with berry goodness.

Now let's pause here for a lesson on thermodynamics.

The can is pressurized so it can dispense a foamy lather. The can has also been sitting in a box in the blazing sun for at least half the day. For some reason I did not consider any of this. Perhaps the excitement of sniffing raspberry bliss wiped away all I knew of physics because the next thing I knew I had pushed the button and foam shot up my nose and into my sinus cavity at a frightening rate. I started swearing and coughing as raspberry scented foam spewed from my mouth and onto the cats who ran screaming from the room, fairly certain that mama had been bitten by a raccoon and gone rabid. Now everything I smell is Raspberry Fantastic. Fucking marvelous.

12 People have tried to sell me Viagra

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