The Top Twelve Reasons Why Pagan Parties Are Fun:
2005-09-25 3:00 a.m.
1) Men in kilts.
2) Reading tarot cards for strangers and being known as "the tarot girl."
3) Setting up my girlfriend.
4) Dancing to the Talking Heads.
5) Getting a temporary tatto on my left breast of a black panther with wings flying over Africa.
6) Shouting "Power to the People" at strangers from the porch while sporting my new tatt.
7) Staying up until 3:00AM.
8) Getting a shoulder massage.
9) Did I mention men in kilts?!
10) Mead.
11) Having a long conversation with a stranger dressed as a drawrf only to realize an hour later that it was my friend Les.
12) Men. In. Kilts.
HMO Hell Part 57.
2005-09-22 11:07 p.m.
I went to see my new Ophthalmologist this morning. I figured this would be a simple office visit. She�d look in my eyes, tell me they were super duper dry and give me a prescription for Restatis and all would be good in the world. She took one look into the back of my eyes and said: �Holy shit, girlfriend. You don�t have Sjogren�s Syndrome, this looks like Sarcoid!� She told me I had �mutton fat� in my eyes and a bunch of debris. Debris? I have debris in my eyes? What the hell? So what was meant to be a half hour office visit turning to me spending the afternoon at my favorite place, the Kaiser Hospital. I needed a chest x-ray, which was fun because the technologist and I compared dragon tattoos. Then I visited the Kaiser Vampires who took another seven vials of my blood. Seven Vials! I think by now I have had every single blood test you can possibly have. My final stop was to the pharmacy for some nasty eye drops. One is a steroid for inflammation and the other one is to dilate the hell out of my eyes because I have sneaky eyes. I think she said sneaky. I have scar tissue on the muscles that make the eyes contract and the drops are supposed to dissolve it. Right now my left eye is completely dilated to black and the right one looks normal. I also can�t see very well with these drops. I�m typing this with my face three inches from the computer screen with my left eye shut and my right eye squinted. I have no idea how I�m supposed to work next week. I can�t really read or do a lot of computer work and that�s all my job is. I suppose there�s shopping and coffee breaks. I guess I could always take up smoking.
While I was at the hospital I was trying to remember what the hell sarcoid was. In my job I read medical records and I knew that I had come across this disorder before. I retrieved some faulty information from my memory banks and came to the conclusion that it was like scleraderma and figured I would eventually die from this. While I waited for all my tests I pretty much figured out how I was going to die and how I could do it without inconveniencing anyone. I made a mental list of things I needed to do before I was too ill to travel or have fun. When I got home I immediately went to the internet and discovered to my surprise that most cases of sarcoid spontaneously resolve on their own or at least go dormant. In other words: I�M PROBABLY GOING TO BE JUST FINE. I broke down and cried for over an hour. I really hope my doctors get on the ball, diagnose me correctly and get me back to kicking ass and chasing boys.
My internal monolog on the way to work this morning.
2005-09-21 11:58 a.m.
Is there a female equivalent to bros before hos?
Chicks before dicks?
If that old person doesn�t turn off his blinker I�m going to scream.
*Scream*
Wow that felt good. I think I�ll do that again.
I really need to get my hair cut.
I wonder what they�re going to do to me at the eye doctor tomorrow.
Will I ever date again?
No, seriously.
If not, I wish I would have had more sex with my last boyfriend.
I miss sex.
*sigh*
Outta the way stupid cyclist.
Stupid sexy Flanders.
Hey, I like this song.
*Flips the bird to the bus driver*
I wish I was at home in bed with the cats.
Wow, nice ass.
Wait, was that a guy or a girl?
TV Talk.
2005-09-20 9:00 p.m.
I finally got around to seeing the season finale of NCIS on Tivo tonight and HOLY SHIT they killed off Kate. I just turned on the season premier (live) to see if she could some how live with the back of her head blown off but no, they took her out of the opening credits. Bummer. I liked her character and she balanced out all that rampaging testosterone.
My favorite show is still House, although I'm beginning to get annoyed with Cameron's character. She used to be intelligent and a go getter. Now she's a whiny insecure cream puff. She either needs to contract a rare interesting disease or get laid. Or both.
In other news, on the 27th the Sci Fi Network will be showing all the episodes of Firefly so you can refresh your memory before going to see Serenity. Of course, I own the DVDs and can watch it whenver I want. I still don't know why they cancelled the show, it was so good. Great story line, nice characters, limitless potentials. There simply isn't enough science fiction on television these days. Actually I can't think of any non animated sci fi on television right now. Can anyone else? What do you like to watch?
2 People have tried to sell me ViagraYou know you want one.
2005-09-19 12:04 p.m.
Happy Talk Like a Pirate Day. For some reason it doesn't seem to be getting as much press this year as previous years. I have not heard one avast or arrrgh. No one has offered me any rum or the opportunity to walk their plank. What gives?
However, it's not too late to begin planning for next year which is why I recommend that you run, not walk, to Cafe Press and buy an Official Kungfukitten Pirate Kitty Shirt. Our male model Leebo Zeebo guarentees that this shirt is a chick magnet.
I can attest personally that this shirt is also a dude magnet. I wore it to the grocery store and had a good looking man make a bad pun about my booty and treasure chest. This shirt has also been known to cure athlete's foot, emit a pleasing aroma and makes you appear ten pounds thinner. All proceeds from sale of the Kungfukitten pirate shirt goes to future purchases of wonderbras and eyeshadow.
3 People have tried to sell me ViagraSit on my lap and tell me you love me.
2005-09-18 12:16 a.m.
It�s official. I�m no longer a strip club virgin. My friend Beth turned the big 5-Oh and asked a group of us to meet her at Cleopatra�s Viewpoint for the Marc Antony All Male Revue. I wasn�t sure how these things worked, but I did know that one dollar bills were imperative. Not only did I shove $20 worth of ones in my bra, pockets and panties, but I also filled Beth�s birthday card with one dollar bills with a note saying �I�m sure you�ll invest these wisely: in a mutual fund, perhaps.�
I got lost when I first got there and walked into the men�s side and inadvertantly saw my share of perky titties and funktastic outfits. Security helpfully escorted me to the other side of the building and to my party.
We were seated right next to the stage, which is where all the action is. First on was Adonis who the DJ kept calling Adrian, his real name, much to his dismay. He looked barely legal and screamed gay! and was, of course, one of my favorites. He did some sort of elaborate grinding chair dance on me and when I slipped a dollar in his g-string he kissed my forehead. Wow. I thought. This is fun. I get to play with a strange man�s underpants and he kisses me. Who knew? Next on was Dante (aren�t these names cracking you up?) who was a little smitten with me. During his break he grabbed a coke, sat next to me and chatted me up. At one point I was thinking, you know, you ought to give this guy your phone number. Which is when I promptly marched myself into the ladies room and bitch-slapped myself five or six times then had a stern conversation with my libido.
KFK: �What the hell are you thinking?�
Libido: �What? He�s nice and he�s obviously interested in you.�
KFK: �He�s interested in any bimbo that puts a dollar in his wang pounch.�
Libido: �But he�s cute. Did you get a look at his buns?�
KFK: �Of course I saw his buns! He rubbed them against my tits. How could I not notice his rock hard, gorgeous, sublime � wait! Quit trying to distract me.�
Libido: �Think about the beautiful children you could have together.�
KFK: �He�s an exotic dancer. I can�t date an exotic dancer. That�s so not me. Maybe if he was a graduate student working his way through his PhD in English Literature � but not just a dancer! What the hell are you thinking! He�s not our type.�
Libido: �What do you mean, our type? We don�t have a type. Did you see those abs?�
KFK: �Mmmm, abs - Shut up!�
Libido: �Gawd. You never let me have any fun. I�m going to go wait in the car.�
After my libido left things were a little easier. I put dollar bills into g-strings, rubbed my hands on rock hard chests and smiled dolefully at any strippa that paid attention to me. Dante gave me a final dance and kissed my forehead, cheek and hand. Awe shucks. Then I came home and at a bagel. Alone. End of story.
It was an interesting experience to say the least. Other names of the dancers I can remember: Latte, Ocean, Pleasure. And for the record the restroom was surprisingly one of the cleanest and nicest in Portland.
There's no skin left on the roof of my mouth.
2005-09-16 7:18 p.m.
Last month I was feeling a bit down and was in desperate need of some internet shopping therapy when I stumbled across J-List. I immediately decided that I could not live without some very important items such as a Totoro face cloth and Hello Kitty tupperware. I also ordered some very bizarre Japanese treats. My favorite has to be Shigekix. It has frightfully sour flavor at first and then a sweeter gummi bear type consistency later on. It's so astringent that one pack dissolved all the skin on the roof of my mouth. But really, I liked it and have ordered more. I decided that everyone it getting Asian inspired gifts for Christmas this year. (And if you haven't visited the Shigekix website you need to. It's incredibly weird but filled with fun stuff. Watch the adverts, they're adorable.
0 People have tried to sell me ViagraSpeaking of sticking cats down your skirt...
2005-09-15 6:04 p.m.
Work has been insane. Eversince I was out sick for six weeks, I've been having a difficult time catching up. If my boss had done things correctly we would have dumped everything off my desk and then loaded me back up when I returned. Right now I'm forever playing catch up, trying to fit an additional six weeks worth of back log into my already full workload. Basically I've been dragging work home with me every night and sitting in front of the television working working working until late. I'm going to catch up this month or die/go insane trying. To reward myself for all this unpaid overtime (salaried employee) I booked an afternoon at the spa at the end of the month.
This morning I pulled out my adorable brown plaid A-line skirt to wear to work. I zipped it up and wondered what the hell happened. The skirt is so big I could stuff both my cats into the waistband. Yes, that's how I measure my clothing -whether or not there is room for a cat. This skirt has room for two cats. It's so big I can take it off without unzipping it. I'm going to try the old hot water, dryer and iron and see if I can shrink it a bit. It's a very cute skirt and it fit a couple months ago. I guess I'm still shrinking. Not that I mind.
Speaking of sticking cats down your skirt, my kitties have been especially cute lately. It's getting cold out so they're sleeping with me at night. I ordered this amazing memory foam mattress topper and Oh Lordy, you cannot get me out of that bed. It's delightful squishy goodness. So they cats have been sacking out on it too. Well, I woke up in the middle of the night and felt a warm blob next to me. I went to pet it and it was a very oddly shaped furry blob. I turned on the light and discovered that Trinity had draped herself over Loki's head and was sleeping on top of him. I pulled her off, afraid that she had smothered him to death. Loki just yawned, squinted and gave me an annoyed look. I guess he really likes being smooshed. Jeez, excuse me for making sure you have air.
What do you mean you forgot to buy wet food?
2005-09-15 6:01 p.m.
