The fart bomb

2002-03-29 8:29 a.m.

It's Friday and no one is at work. It's just me, the bubble boy (the coworkers who blows bubbles into my cube when he's bored) and our perpetually stressed out admin assistant. That's it. Everyone else is either sick, on vacation or already slacking (or slagging) it up at rialtos. All my Canadian and Brit friends have the day off. Apparently it's Easter in other parts of the world. Even Simon got to sleep in this morning.

Normally I'd be miffed except I was so excited to get dressed this morning because I have some super sexy brand new boots! Square toes, 3.5" heels and stretchy tight material that hugs my calves. They are full of go go girl goodness. I feel tall and sexy in them. $260 marked down to $67 at Nordstrom's rack. After I tried the right one on and hobbled around the store in it (one foot in high heeled boot the other wearing flat loafer) I knew it was love. I love stylish bargains.

I got really mad at Simon the other night. He went to the local quickie mart which is run by a really nice Chinese family. They sell the normal quickie mart items but they also sell some weird crap. Simon has come home with his usual purchase of diet Pepsi and a pack of smokes and�some numchucks, a bowie knife, giant rubber spider for the cats, outdoor survival kit and a deck of marked cards. The other night he brought home this little mylar pouch. He breaks something in it and drops it on the ground. It starts expanding and making hissing noises. The cats are really into it and poking at it and sniffing it.

I suddenly realize that this thing is going to explode so I start grabbing cats and screaming "What the hell is that?" And I notice it has the words "fart bomb" written on it. Yes, it explodes (on my hardwood floor!) and squirts liquid everywhere. Then there is the permeating scent of sulfur and methane all over the house. I freak out and start yelling at Simon.

He says, "Well, I didn't know it would smell, I thought it would just explode and make a funny noise."

And I say, "It has a cartoon picture of someone's ass on it. Did you think it would smell like potpourri?"

I think I was so upset because I had just baked scones and had the house smelling all Martha Stewartish. I asked him if this was one of those guy things. Then I made him promise to never do it again.

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