The Holidays Loom Ahead.
2009-12-08 4:13 a.m.

It's about 17 degrees outside and there is a swift wind. My house is over 100 years old so when the wind blows hard, the heat gets blown out too. I was curled up in bed with four blankets, a down comforter and two cats and was still freezing. I decided I want an electric blanket. I know there's worrisome things about them but I would just use it to heat up the bed before I got in. When I lived in my shack (it truly was a shack) I was poor and couldn't afford an electric blanket but I did find a twin size electric mattress pad at Fred Meyers. I cut the corners so it would lay flat on my Queen mattress. It was so nice! When it got really cold my kitty and I would snuggled under all the blankets and crank up the mattress pad. I remember coming home from a date a little tipsy and so cold. Has alcohol ever made you cold? I'm talking like three drinks, not a ton. So I'd turn up the mattress pad and fall asleep only to wake up three hours later burning up! The cat was loving it! We'd be totally damp with sweat and completely overheated. Hilarious. I guess you had to be there. Tipsy, sweaty, hot, shack. Good times. God times. Not quite but I prefer to color my past with optimistic fake memories. Like the time I spent a drunken weekend in Marrakesh with Peter Murphy. Now that was fun. Sniffing voodoo powder off the back of a monkey's paw. Now I'm all out of wishes.*

I decided to buy myself 15 pounds of vintage kimonos for my Christmas gift to myself. Sounds strange doesn't it? It appears they are mostly from early 1900s to the 1970s and silk. I'm hoping there will be some nice wearable pieces or at least some that I can do some creative sewing and alterations to. My sewing skills aren't that good. I really wish I was better. I wonder if there are sewing classes? There has to be right? My dad bought me a kick ass sewing machine. I just barely know how to use it.

I really really really miss my dad. My mom, brother and I are ready for Christmas to suck. I still can't believe he's gone. Although, he did tell me to refinance on Sunday. I swear to you. Out of the blue I was like, Okay Dad! I'll call USAA on Monday and refinance! And so I did. I need to call them again with all my financial stuff but it looks like a fantastic time to refi. That will make me feel a lot better.

My life seems to be really up in the air right now. My job isn't going as well as I'd like. I'm terrified about being without health insurance. I went to the doctor's tonight and she told me I have post traumatic stress disorder. Nice. I had to complete a bunch of psyche questions on a black box about depression and anxiety and I could tell I got put into this PTSD loop. I'm not having flashbacks or anything. I just don't sleep, check the blog time, and when I do I have dreams they're all about dying. I get burnt, radiated, devoured by acid, cut up by knives, shot in the head, eaten, shredded, burned alive. Every night I die a hundred horrible deaths. I used to be such a good dreamer. My dreams were wonderful novelesque adventures and now my brain has turned against me. It's so unfair! Well, better living through chemicals. We'll see if pills and some grief counseling helps. That's what I say. I'm so sick of therapy, self help and introspection. Why can't I be irresponsible and deal with by grief in an inappropriate manner? Honestly, why can't I go to Mexico and have drunken sex with an eighteen year old named Javier Carlos Xavier Hendandez? Why can't I snort x off his perfectly formed buttocks, while he carves a picture of a lemur into the bottom of my foot with a switchblade? *sight* I'm just too damn responsible and I know that Javier's buttocks, no matter how perfectly formed, probably won't make me feel better in the long run. I just resent being so well behaved and sensible.

How's that for a blog entry? Too whiny? Not enough sex? *Did anyone get the quote?

12 People have tried to sell me Viagra

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