Macbeth in one page.
2006-09-30 2:02 a.m.

The new Photo Comic is posted. I tried to condence the play Macbeth into one page. Enjoy!

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My intuition is a bit off.
2006-09-28 11:25 p.m.

My intuition is off by 24 hours and 240 yards. Yesterday before I left for work I had this really horrible feeling that someone was going to break into my house. I was absolutely terrified. Possibly I was a little freaked because Dennis the Menace and the Eight Year Old Mafia were playing football in front of my house before I left, but it was more than that. I checked all the windows, doors and hid anything of value in secret spaces. I then turned on my alarm system gave the cats handguns and was on my way. I raced home after my doctor's appointment and made the rounds of my house with my police issue kubaton and decided everything was all right and I was just paranoid.

Until there was a knock on my door this morning. I peeked out the side window and one of Portland's Finest was standing on my doorstep massaging his flashlight. Hrm. I turned off my alarm and answered the door. "Can I help you officer?" Bat eyelashes. I was still in my Spec Ops 27 T-shirt and yoga pants but at least my hair was tied up in a sassy pony tail. Apparently my neighbor who shares my backyard fence was robbed. She went grocery shoppng and when she got home she caught him in the house. He got into her house by ripping the air conditioner out of the window. (That's why my air conditioner is currently sitting on my kitchen floor and I chose to suffer the heat and sun stroke all summer long). The theif raced out the back and they think he climbed the fence and left through my yard. We looked around but I really don't think he went through my yard. I seem to be the only one who knows how to operate the back gate, and it's really really loud. Plus it was still latched. I would have heard if it was opened and I know when the neighborhood cats are climbing over it, so a full grown robber would have had me at the window immediately. I reported a suspicious looking car, but pointed out that I've got two new neighbors and I don't know everything they drive yet. Essentially I was no help at all.

And what about the local woman who strangled a hired killer with her bare hands. First of all what kind of idiot assassin uses a hammer? Second of all, if us women keep killing off intruders maybe they'll think twice before breaking in. As my friend Laurel Ann said "If they get inside your house, all bets are off, it's the law!" "Hell, with that! It's my law," I fumed. Seriously, I'd have no problem taking out someone who broke into my house to take my stuff or hurt me or my loved ones. I've got weapons and I know how to use them. Grrr.

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Ngah!
2006-09-27 4:59 p.m.

I went and saw Dr. Rheumatology today. It was a mixed visit. I wrote down a bunch of questions for him and I could tell that he read them because he brought in his torture kit into the exam room with him. In fact, ClumsieGirl you need to go here immediately and not read the rest of this entry. "I read your questions." he said. "You asked some very good things." I eyed the syringes, alcohol pads and strange squirty contraptions in his kit. "Uh huh..." I mumble.

We decide that I can stop taking the Methopukesate and we would inject both my ankles right there and then with Kenalog. To me Kenalog sounds like a high fiber breakfast cereal, not a steroid. "I just can't stay regular unless I have a big bowl full of Kenalog every single morning!"

"How much is this going to hurt?" I ask him. "Well...gosh...I guess..." He's hedging and I want an answer. "Does it hurt worse than a tattoo?" I demand. He stares at the ceiling. I look at the ceiling too, wondering if he's consulting God. I wonder if God has any tattoos. Maybe a Virgin Mary in hot pants and a halter top on his right bicep. "You know, I don't have a tattoo so I'm not really sure." No help whatsoever.

It was quite the ordeal. He waited outside while I squirmed out of my tights. Then I sat on a chair/table and he looked closely at my ankles. "Do they hurt more when you bend them up and down" he bends them up and down and I squeal a little bit. "Or do they hurt more side to side?" When he bent my ankle sideways I screamed out "Ngah!" It was the only exclamation I could come up with that wasn't a swear word. Next he marked my ankle joints with a magic purple pen and washed the skin with iodine then alcohol. Next came the spray can full of icy cold stuff. The second he turned it off he jammed the needle into the joint space. Pain, pressure and then done! I suddenly remember that I better breathe or I'm going to fall off the table and it's a long ways down. I'm beginning to think that restraints might be a good idea.

For the right ankle I thought we had it down. I can totally do this, I thought. Wash, wipe, cold stuff, poke and CONK! "That's what happens when you hit bone," he says cheerily. "Ngah!" I moan. Restraints would definitely be a good idea because I'm starting to black out and if I'm going to pass out, I swear I'm taking the bastard with me! He slides the needle to the side and it slips into the joint space. There's some pressure and we're all done. If I'm lucky, this will work FOREVER. Otherwise a good outcome is 6 months. Rock and roll!

"So was it worse than a tattoo?" he asks before he leaves the room, so I can wriggle back into my black tights. "Ngah," I say.

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Daily breast exams and tire screws.
2006-09-27 3:20 a.m.

My boy cat Loki is a bit of a pervert. Actually, it only looks perverted. To him it's probably some sort of kittenhood revisitation. See, he's crazy about my boobs. He loves nothing more than curling up with me on the couch and doing the cushy cushy thing on my boobs. He purrs like crazy and his eyes roll up in his head. I think he's just reverting to kittenhood when he felt all safe and warm curled up against mama cat. My last ex, Simon, would actually get jealous. He'd shake his head, make a fist and mumble, "if you weren't a cat..." (he would never hurt the cats. In fact, he always made elaborate cat toys and would play with them until they were exhausted. One day he came home with a rabbit pelt he traded a Native American for on Hawthorne. Who the hell trades for animal pelts these days? That's just nuts. I think it's still stashed away somewhere in the house somewhere, but I digress). Anywhoo. Im used to it. It's bonding. He gives me my daily breast exam and touches his nose to mine and purrs like crazy. Imagine my chagrin when my family is visiting and Loki makes his social rounds then plops down in my lap and starts going to second base like his life depends upon it. I'm not huge, but a 12 pound cat and a 36C rack is quite a show. "Your cat's a pervert." My brother says turning red. My dad just shakes his head and mom keeps working on her crossword puzzle without looking up.

Side note: Dad's had a slow leak in his tire so he went to Les Schwab because aside from handing out free beef in February, their customer service rocks if you buy your tires from them. "I think I have a nail in my tire," my dad explained. A few minutes later the technician came back in with a handful of metal. "You had three nails and a screw in your tire!" "At least I got a screw out of it!" My dad says jovially. My mother doesn't even look up from her magazine and without missing a beat says: "Hardy-har-har."

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SeaQuest DSV (Dorky Sydney Vents)
2006-09-27 1:14 a.m.

I think one of the funniest things about my dating video is that everyone picked up on the fact that I was wearing a SeaQuest hat for a few seconds. Yes, I own a SeaQuest baseball cap. I love that show. I had the hugest statutory crush on Lucas Wolenczac, much to the chagrin of my boyfriend at the time. As far as he was concerned, it was just another exclamation point in a long string of embarassments. Possibly he was jealous of the fact that he wasn't a genius and had a talking dolphin.

Want to hear something even more geeky? I own, mint, in the original box, a Lucas Wolenczac action figure. He even comes with his own tiny hammerhead shark. *Squee!* Is it geeky in here or is it just me? You know you're jealous. I was very sad to hear from Cosmic that Johnathan Brandis comitted suicide in the 90s. I didn't know that. How very sad. I think the transition from child to adult actor has got to be terribly difficult and filled with heartbreak. Oh Johnathan, I would have helped you, and by help, I mean corrupt you morally, physically and mentally, but I still would have helped. I think I'll put my action figure on my alter and let Johnathan look over me. Lord knows I need all the help I can get about now.

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A Medical Update.
2006-09-25 11:47 p.m.

It's been a year since I've been diagnosed and two years since I got sick. *throws confetti* This means that I am currently meeting with all my doctors and going through loads of tests. We're trying to make sure that the evil sarcoidosis is not spreading about my body attacking unsuspecting organs or seeing if it's packed up its bags and is preparing to vacate the premises. When I initially got diagnosed I made a deal with my body that this was not going to be a chronic thing. 1/3 of people with this disease get over it all together in 2-3 years. I'm counting on that.

So far the only exciting thing about sarcoidosis is that it's so rare that it's in the differential diagnosis of every single episode of House. Seriously. It always makes me squeal and bounce up and down. It's like they're saying my name on television. I feel practically famous.

My pulmonologist said my chest looked good. (Insert naughty joke here) I have scar tissue around my hilar lymph nodes but they have shrunk to normal size and a lot of the gunk has disappeared which means the inflammation in my chest has gone down or even *looks around suspiciously* disappeared! I'm almost afraid to say it outloud for fear that the Goddess will flick me on the back of my head and send me to the hospital.

My main problem is my joint pain and nausea. I'm going to ask my rheumatologist to inject my ankles with steroids and whatever else they put in those big scary needles and take me off the Methotrexate. I'm hoping we can de-inflame my joints, kill the pain, and get rid of the nausea.

Also what's up with this fatigue? I slept for 20 hours on Saturday. I feel like I'm tired all the freaking time. I spent some time cleaning the house so my parents could visit and when I was done I had to go to bed. Something as simple as doing the laundry, dishes and sweeping nearly killed me. Augh. I can't wait to get back to improv class and yoga. I may never be able to do kung fu again like I used to but if I could do advanced yoga (handstands, scorpion, 5 minutes poses) again I'd be thrilled.

For now I'll be a good patient and follow up with all my specialists, get my x-rays, CT scans, blood work, blood work, more blood work, pulmonary function tests and whatever else they want to throw at me. I swear, I glow in the dark now and can bleed on demand. I bet I could even turn my skin invisible if I tried hard enough.

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Who are you exactly?
2006-09-25 1:03 a.m.

I made this video as an improv exercise. There were only moments between each scene where I grabbed a hat, coat or hair clip and hit record again. These are all dorky facets of my personality exaggerated into video dating personae. I hope this makes you laugh. I had a heck of a lot of fun making it. Watch it to the end because it ends on a funny. ;)

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