Dramatis Personae
2003-08-22 10:52 a.m.

Our Heroine: Kungfukitten

Kungfukitten lives in Portland where she can often be seen fighting crime or buying shoes. She is founding member of the Portland Wine Society and claims to be a direct descendant of Mary Queen of Scots.

The Litterati, Trinity

Trinity spends her free time trying to turn the litter box into her own personal zen garden. An accomplished theif, Trinity has over seventeen earrings hidden underneath the bathtub.

Loki, Norse God of Chaos and Disorder

Despite his namesake Loki is actually a very laid back cat. In fact, if he were any more laid back he'd slip into a coma. When not smoking catnip, Loki listens to the Grateful Dead and practices yoga.

The Bad Influence, Angi

Angi and Kungfukitten met in juvenile detention in the early 80s. After a vicious knife fight over a strawberry flavored lipsmacker ended in a draw, they became fast friends. Angi is known nationwide for her ability to yodel in esperanto.

The Hacker, Rebecca

Rebecca of Nerdygirl.com fame met Kungfukitten when they were both in rehab at the Betty Ford clinic. After being kicked out of group therapy for making fun of Charlie Sheen's haircut they decided quit their illustrious acting careers and move to Oregon to start over.

The Wild Redhead, Paige

Paige met Kungfukitten at Evergreen State College in 1988. Together they perfected the fine art of primal screaming and dancing with trees while under the influence of cheap tequila. As far as we can tell, Paige is the only straight person living on Capital Hill.

The Kungfu Maiden, Tracy

Tracy has knitted over 100 tiny sweaters for the "Clothe the Naked Mole Rat Campaign." Tracy also leads an exciting life as a kung fu stunt double in Hong Kong. She's probably best known for her performance in Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon as Zhang Ziyi's stunt double in the restaurant scene.

The Wild One, Debra

Debra met Kungfukitten in the early 90s on the Mexican wrestling circuit. Deb wrestled under the name of La Loba Loca (crazy wolf). After an 18 hour cage match against Kungfukitten ended with both of them simultaneously knocking each other conscious with folding chairs, they decided to team up. They were both banned from Mexico due to what is known only as "The Guacamole Incident."

Local Gadabout, Austin

Austin spends most of his time filing frivolous lawsuits. When he's not filing paperwork at the courthouse, Austin earns money making and selling macaroni and glitter pictures of Elvis on e-bay. Austin often makes outrageous statements like he invented the question mark.

The Road Scholar, Chris

Chris of KungfuRamone fame, is best known for his two books "The Tragedy of the Uninked Body" and "Why Girls Who Wear Glasses Are Hot: A Postmodern Exploration of the Eroticism of Nearsightedness." When not writing Chris moonlights as a go go dancer.

2 People have tried to sell me Viagra

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