Fooled the hang over gods and Suckah!
2004-04-24 4:30 p.m.
I went out for happy hour last night from four until midnight. Technically I should be hung over with a really bad migraine. I didn't drink any water, I didn't pace myself and I drank waaay too many microbrews. For some reason the beer gods are smiling on me for I woke up feeling fabulous. A little tired and lazy but fabulous. The highlight of the evening was singing karaoke with a guy named "Moose." He called himself a big redneck from Eugene (is there such a thing?). I think he was here on business cause his and his buddies were super fun and out of control. We sang "Love Shack" and I nailed it. Now all I need is one of those cool fringe dresses and a red boufant. We found this piece of paper on the ground when we were in Chinatown. I don't know who this guy is or why someone thinks he's a you-know-what but it struck me as funny.
Emotions, emotions.
2004-04-23 9:32 a.m.
I went to an improv seminar last night on emotions where I experienced an entire range of emotions from ecstacy to homicidal grief. Then I stayed for the after hours jam session where people just play around on the stage and do scenes. Later still I was talked into going out for beers at Rogue Brewery. ~yawn~ Needless to say, I'm a bit tired this morning.
Now I'm trying to type with Loki sprawled across my lap and the laptop. He's got his head tucked into my armpit and is purring so loud that I can't hear the telly. I better post this before he rolls over and deletes this.
0 People have tried to sell me ViagraI pity the fool.
2004-04-22 11:58 a.m.
Yesterday a woman at work got attacked in the elevator. Some guy grabbed her right arm and lifted up her skirt with his other hand. She got away from him because the elevator stopped, the doors opened and he faltered.
Our building is downtown and anyone can walk in. Our elevators, however, only service our business and we do not deal directly with the public. There are security passes to get on the floor but nothing to stop people from jumping into the elevator. There was a big ta-doo with e-mails coming from all the big wigs and descriptions of the pervert.
In my mind I�ve gone over a billion scenarios on how to deal with someone like that. First of all, he�d only have one of my arms and both of his arms would be busy. That leaves a lot of targets open: elbow smash to the jaw, knee him in the groin, take out the ankle, the knee, drive the pointy part of my high heels down the inside of his calf.
Kung fu class last night was devoted to drilling kicks and as my Sifu is very street fighting oriented, we worked on nice low kicks. We focused on the ankle, shin, knee, groin and nice sharp roundhouse kicks to the outside of the thigh. We then had a kicking free for all in a small section of the floor. It was funny hearing Sifu say "Don�t even bother kicking women in the groin." I realized that even though my kicks are looking much better, I still need to work on targeting.
I pity the fool that tries to mess with me in the elevator.
2 People have tried to sell me ViagraPage twenty-three, sentence five.
2004-04-21 10:09 a.m.
"I could take notes while scratching my bum too." --Marcus Didius Falco in The Accusers by Lindsey Davis.
Just for fun, go grab a book. Turn to page 23, read the fifth sentence and transcribe it in my comments. Then go and put it on your blog. For a history of this strange exercise go here.
8 People have tried to sell me ViagraI give up or screw you, cupid.
2004-04-21 9:59 a.m.
This is it. I am throwing in the towel. After a few months of dating I�m completely giving it up. It�s not good for my self esteem or for my soul. If I really need sex then all I have to do it go out and buy some double A batteries. I don�t need all the mind games, the lies, the "I�ll call you"s etc. I think men who are damaged should be required to wear bright orange vests, like for hunting, that have written on the back "I�m still hung up and distraught over my ex-girlfriend but I will sleep with you and spend all your money only to get bored and dump you in a couple of weeks anyway."
I would say something impressive like "I�m going to focus on my career" but that would be a blatant lie. My career is the last thing I want to focus on. Instead I�ll focus on writing, kung fu and improv. To hell with everything else.
Addendum 11:19am. OK, peeps calm down! This entry wasn't geared at anyone in particular. Just my own exasperation with all the effort I've put into the dating scene only to come up empty in the end.
5 People have tried to sell me ViagraThe Homeland Security Show.
2004-04-20 9:57 a.m.
Improv class last night was loads of fun. I got some nods from the instructor as well as one of the pros told me to keep coming to workshops as I have strange ways of looking at the world which are very funny. How cool is that? My innate weirdness is finally being appreciated.
I had a brilliant idea this morning for a new television series. There�s lots of crime fighting series out there (Law and Order, Touching Evil, Crossing Jordan, CSI, etc.). So how about a series based on a small group of elite homeland security agents that go around secretly thwarting terrorist plots?
Imagine this: They travel around in a white non-descript van filled with all sorts of high tech equipment. Part of their mission is to secretly "tag" suspected terrorists with a GPS chip so they can locate them later. Other times they�re tracking down the bad guys and stopping things from blowing up just in the nick of time. Think the A-Team meets Mission Impossible meets Weapons of Mass Destruction.
The characters: Agent Madeline (played by Drew Barrymore), blonde hair blue eyed bombshell who wears glasses. She�s fluent in over twenty languages and wicked bad ass on any computer system. She�s completely oblivious to how beautiful she is and how all the other agents are hot for her.
Agent Jack (played by Nathan Fillion), spiky hair with perpetual five o�clock shadow. He�s the muscle behind the operation and never thinks twice before throwing himself in the way of danger. He�s an expert in six forms of unarmed combat. When technology isn�t enough they send in Jack. Oh yeah, he has the hots for Madeline.
Agent Michael (played by Will Smith), always dressed to perfection. His specialty is gadgets and small technology. Terrorist tagging is his special project. He has a witty come back for every situation. He loves his toys but not as much as he loves Madeline.
Agent Brian "The Brain" (played by some big Samoan dude), the criminal profiler who was a trained as a FBI hostage negotiator. He completes profiles on all of the targets and feeds information to the agents in the field. Has been in love with Madeline since he set eyes on her.
General Dorchester (played by Sean Connery), the father figure who tries to keep everyone in line and pull off the mission without the media finding out. He has a background in nuclear physics and spent his youth on a nuclear sub. Madeline is his daughter but no one knows that, not even Madeline.
There are obvious problems with the series, such as all the terrorists potentially being Middle Eastern and playing into the population�s fears. But just think of the possible cameo appearances by Condoleeza Rice, Donald Rumsfeld and Tony Blair.
0 People have tried to sell me ViagraWhy I'm not allowed on the elevators during the afternoon.
2004-04-19 3:28 p.m.
Woman: "Gah! Administrative Professional�s Week?"
KFK: "It used to be Secretary�s Day."
Woman: "Geez. How much more politically correct can we get?"
KFK : "I want them to start File Wench Appreciation Day where everyone is required to ask me if I've lost weight and give me a bottle of Vodka."
Woman leaves elevator quickly.
KFK: "Was it something I said?"
Silver bullets and cold iron.
2004-04-19 10:34 a.m.
I spent this morning seeing the endocrinologist. He poked and prodded at my neck and made me swallow water while he did more poking and prodding. The swelling seems to be going down on its own. It appears that I am healthy and will not be dying this week. Good news.
Friday I went to a ComedySportz show. The cool part was that I knew some of the people performing and working there. It was sort of like being in the improv mafia. People would say hi to me, wink and nod knowingly. During the after hours show we made a coup for the front row to get up front and personal. I�m looking extra forward to class tonight.
Sunday I went and Saw "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind." I liked the concept of the movie but I just couldn�t get over the fact that Jim Carrey looked like he was 45 years old (he�s 42) and Kate Winslet looked like she was 17 (she�s 28). It was too much of a creepy relationship for me to buy into. Still I was sniffly at the end. What can I say, I�m a sucker for a love story.
Most of the weekend was spent out of my body and in my head. I talked with the characters and tried to figure out a way to propel the story forward. As usual the answer came to me in a dream:
I�m in a tattoo shop getting some decoration done around the dragon on my back. An old Chinese man puts the ink on the top of my shoulders and lets it drip down my back into beautiful design. I looked over my shoulder into a mirror and see some unfamiliar writing.
"It�s an old Samaurai poem." he says. "It will keep you safe."
"How do you keep safe?" I ask.
He pulls out a revolver and spills out three bullets. Two are bright and shiny and the other one a bit duller. "The first two bullets are silver. The third is cold iron. If that doesn�t stop them then nothing will." He said.
"Faries." I say knowingly. "Troublesome little buggers aren�t they?"
1 People have tried to sell me Viagra