Five minutes to curtain Ms. Kitten.
2005-01-23 5:32 p.m.

I'm supposed to do an improv show tonight. I'm expected to be hysterically funny, witty and focused. I am not feeling any of those things. Instead I'm nauseous, headachy, sad, depressed and feeling very unfunny. I may have to stick to my suicidal goth girl character tonight and hope that gets some pathetic laughs. Ack. This sucks.

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The emu story.
2005-01-22 8:49 p.m.

My homies at 12% Beer have been going on about emus lately so I thought it only appropriate for me to tell The Emu Story. When I was in eleventh grade my creative writing instructor, Mr. Mac, went to Australia on a teacher exchange program. The woman we got in exchange wasn�t great but we had loads of fun learning to sing �Waltzing Matilda� and the �Australian National Anthem.�

Mr. Mac was going bald and only had a halo of hair that went around the back of his head and some very thin hair over the top of his head. He was a very sporty guy who loved spending his off time surfing and hiking so when he got to Australia he decided to shave the top of his head so he could easily apply sunscreen. A couple of weeks before he was due to return to America he quit shaving his head. His students noticed this and began commenting.

So Mr. Mac told them that he went to see an Aboriginal witch doctor who informed him that if he rubbed emu poop into his scalp it would re-grow his hair. Every day his students would come to class and inspect the top of his skull and were mesmerized by how new hair was sprouting on the top of his head. I wonder how many thirty something men in Australia are currently rubbing emu poop on their heads in the hopes of growing new hair.

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January is a very cold month.
2005-01-21 6:30 p.m.

I was completely blindsighted by the whole thing. I was all excited, looking forward to the weekend. And then the bomb was dropped on me � things aren�t working out. Uh, see ya. WTF? Where did this come from? What happened? There was talk just a couple days ago. Plans were made, romantic overtures, sweet words. See ya? Whoah.

It�s been awhile since life kicked me in the head like that. I had to spend the rest of the day trying to keep it all together. To my credit I only broke down once at work and only one person saw. She gave me tissues, hugged me and got all self-righteous on my behalf. Now, that�s a good friend. I counted down the seconds until my escape, until I could get the hell away from everyone and just collapse face down on my bed. I cried until I had black circles under my swollen eyes and my throat was choked with phleghm. �Go to hell Jane Austen!� I screamed in my pillow. �Just fucking go to hell, Jane. You lied! You told me love conquered all!� I guess some things are just insurmountable. I feel utterly defeated.

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Where's a %$#@! mosh pit when I need one?
2005-01-21 11:48 a.m.

AIIIIGGGHHHH! Bangs head repeatedly on desk. Pulls out hair. Rends clothing. *sigh* That is all.

1 People have tried to sell me Viagra
On the radio.
2005-01-21 9:56 a.m.

Except for a little bit of NPR in the morning, I haven�t listening to the radio for the last six months or so. Instead I�ve been pretty much plugged into my iTunes and when I�m at home, I�ve got my Tivo working as a music server for my iTunes library so there�s no need to turn on the radio at home. Instead I�ve been listening to downloaded music from the iCrack store, local bands and free stuff on Amazon. I�ve been obsessing over strange Japanese anime soundtracks � I love Yoko Kanno, I want to have her baby which is not only weird, but biologically impossible. I�ve been mixing up old school, new school, alternative, dance, techno and ambient mixes. Since I�ve been broke and sick of my available music so this week I turned on the radio.

I was shocked to find that Portland�s alternative radio station 94.7 was playing music. Not only that, they were playing good music. I had given up on 94.7 because they quit playing music and had basically turned into a 24 hour a day rip off of the Howard Stern show. Except with more references to flatulence and strippers. I think their target audience was socially awkward eleven year old misogynistic boys. Imagine my surprise to find DJs that did amazing stuff like shut the hell up and play music. I may have to start listening to the radio more.

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iKitten Shuffle.
2005-01-20 4:07 p.m.

I'm posting what all the cool kids are posting. Go to your iTunes and hit party shuffle and list the first ten songs that randomly came up from your entire music library.

1. 1985 - Bowling For Soup
2. Love Song - The Damned
3. Kiss Off - Violent Femmes
4. Only In Dreams - Weezer
5. NY Rush - Yoko Kanno
6. Head On - Jesus and Mary Chain
7. Love - The Sundays
8. Akua Tuta - Robbie Robertson
9. I Love the Nightlife - Alicia Bridges
10. Holiday in Cambodia - Dead Kennedy's

So what's random in your music library?

1 People have tried to sell me Viagra
Children's chewable morphine, please.
2005-01-20 12:56 p.m.

Dland is currently down so I�m writing this at work during my break just to keep the momentum going. I�ll post it when it�s done. Poor Andrew�s been up all night dealing with server issues. First off, I am in agony. I did something stupid to my back on Monday (yoga � showing off) and now am paying the price for it. I thought my back was almost better but now I�m eating ibuprofen out of a bowl like cereal. I want to cry and crawl inside a bottle of children's chewable morphine.

I�m obsessed with this website. Click on the Craigs to find out more. I wish he made an interactive version of this so you could plot out your own potential lives. I always wonder what would have happened if I went to UC Davis for grad school instead of Portland State. Would I be married? Have kids? Be published? Or would I be like I am now - working in a cubicle and living alone with one hundred two cats?

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Never pet a burning dog.
2005-01-18 10:07 a.m.

I haven�t felt really good about my improv game lately. I feel kind of static. I think it�s because I�m too worried about coming up with great characters � I�m planning rather than being totally spontaneous and seeing what comes at me. I�m also a control freak, if I feel like the scene isn�t going anywhere I�ll try to force it. I obsessed over this as I drank my coffee this morning until the little e-mail icon popped up on the computer. Hmmm. It appears I�m doing an improv show this Sunday. D�oh! I need to quit thinking and just do it. I need to get out of my head and just let myself go nuts.

2 People have tried to sell me Viagra
Things I don't recommend doing #68.
2005-01-17 9:23 a.m.

On Saturday morning everything was covered in a thick layer of ice. I started getting panicky about the mailman falling down my front steps, suing me and taking away my house, my cats and my entire collection of Victorian literature. All of a sudden I started channeling my father: "If you ever get stuck in the snow use some kitty litter for traction." I have cats. Ergo I have cat litter. Therefore I am! So I went outside and liberally sprinkled cat litter on my porch, steps and walkway. Viola. Problem solved. Well, what I didn�t take into account is that when I was channeling dad, he was probably talking about old school clay kitty litter and not Tidy Cat For Multiple Cats Antibacterial Clumping Cat Litter. When the ice melted last night the cat litter swelled to one hundred times it�s normal size and congealed together in a giant slippery, blubbery mass of freshness. I didn�t have time to clean it up before I left for work. The mailman is on his own today. Oh, wait, it�s Martin Luther King day � I think I�m the only person in the free world that actually has to be at work today. The mailman is probably safe.

12% Beer is running some new ads this week, including an Angry Weasel banner based on last week's entry.

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