Tales of the Bus

2001-10-10 8:08 a.m.

These are things that have actually happened to me while riding public transportation to and from work.

I had two teenage girls offer to seranade me with Green Day songs if I gave them my spare change. I had a buck in my pocket and gave it to them. They had nice voices but I had to prompt them on some of the lyrics for "She"

I had a baby projectile vomit on my shoulder from four seats away.

I had a very drunk mexican man propose marriage to me.

I watched a French couple (at least they were speaking French when their tongues weren't crammed down each other's throats)do every except have sex while standing on the bus. Their hands were all over each other and they were licking and making out like there was no tomorrow. When they got off the bus I felt like I had just watched a porn movie. Everyone else on the bus just tried to ignore them. Probably thinking, "This must be what French people do when they ride public transporation."

I had a transvestite named Chantrelle, sit next to me and explain how s/he was going through the "change" and did I know what the "change" was? Yes, I did. Then we compared mace and talked about how this city wasn't safe for single girls like us.

*side note. Why do transvestites and female impersonaters get all the cool names? I always wanted to choose my own mega glam name. Someone once told me to find out my adult movie actress name I take my middle name and then the name of the street I live on. Ann Bush. snicker. OK, that's a little dirty but not glamorous. End side note.*

I once got stuck in the middle of a fist fight between an insane street person whose gender was unidentifiable and a construction worker who was tired of listening to the street person's obscene babble. I hit the deck and crawled out from between them, clutching my paperback novel in my teeth.

I had a man sit next to me who very calmly explained that the CIA had killed everyone in his family and all his friends and that the KGB was in on it and they were watching him this very moment. He pointed to an off duty bus driver and said that "he" was one of "them" but he wasn't going to let them get him because he had important work to do. He had people he had to contact that could get him off this planet and out of danger. I just nodded a lot.

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