Blunk Drogging.

2006-07-15 12:16 a.m.

I haven't seen her in a year - last summer when we were celebrating another birthday, because I can't fly unless 1) I'm flying the plane or 2) I'm liquored up and half stoned on Valium. We need to quit doing this whole getting older thing but seeing each other is great fun. Prezzies are great fun as well.

Because I know how to use the internet, I knew her flight was going to be late. I went to Fred Meyers and bought hangers for clothes - My name is Kungfukitten and I shop on the internet - and I bought pedialyte pops because they are good for sunstroke and because I knew that Cingi had been drinking since five - good for hangovers. Don't ask me how I knew. We have like this Vulcan mind meld that has been going on since 1984. Hangers and hang-overs. Ha ha ha ha. My car also was looking pretty sad so I went through the Shell Station's car wash and sang The Damned's "Little Miss Disaster" at the top of my lungs. I love Dave Vanian. I want to have his demonic offspring. But you already knew that. What the hell was I talking about?

Oh yeah, so when I was at Fred Meyers I thought it would be a perfect time to take in my gargantucup of change and redeem it for paper money. They pay you .89 on the penny but it's worth the hassle and it's kind of fun. You know the movie So I Married an Axe Murderer? "Excuse me miss, but I ordered a large cuppucino? I had one of those cups full of change. I figured I'd easily have $50 of cold hard cash. But no. $16.01. BUT I found a French penny in the reject pile. I was like, wow, this is my Magic Special Birthday French 1 Franc Francais, and I put it in my pocket. I just went and took it out of my pocket because I am no longer wearing those pants and I didn't want it going through the washing machine.

Because it's fucking magical.

Yes it is.

Kids, do not drink chardonnay and take kain pillers. It's a bad bad idea. Imagine me hitting you on the back of your hand with a ruler. Bad! Bad! Bad! Unless that's turning you on, in which you should imagine something sad and painful like CSI: Miami getting cancelled.

But I digress.

No really, I've only had five one and a half bottles glasses of wine. I kid. Serously. I have had a glass and a half of wine and am a little sleep deprived. I'm happy that Angi is here for our birthdays. I think Loki is too, because he's sleeping with her. Damn gigilo cat.

Surprise present.

2006-07-12 6:27 p.m.

About a month ago I came home from a racous night out missing an earring. I was terribly sad because it was white gold with a nice (fake) diamond in it. I had made this amazing discovery that my ears absolutely love white gold. Everything else makes my ears turn red and pussy - pusey? pussey? I know, eew. What can I say, my ears are snobs. I even combed my hair out carefully and turned all my clothes insideout in case it had just happened, but alas, no earring.

I was getting the mail yesterday and Loki sneaks outside so he can get his roll on. Every single chance he gets, he'll sneak out the front door, walk one foot, drop and roll like an electric rolling machine. He rolls like his life depends on it. It's the happiest 1.37 minutes of his day. So I bend down to scoop him up and his tail flicks something tiny and sparkly toward my hand. It was my missing earring.

Now how on earth did that happen? I have a few theories: 1) It fell out when I was coming in last month and has been lying there despite the fact that my father and my gardener have both swept the porch and walkway. B) I dragged it outside on the bottom of my shoe and just happened to find it again. 3) When I was at work Loki and Trin went online and ordered me another pair, got the mail, and made an elaborate plan for presentation on my birthday. Either way, my ears are no longer itching and filled with pus. Hurrah!

Much love to everyone who sent me e-cards, e-mails, blog shouts, called and left nice comments. You guys rock and made me feel loved despite the fact I stayed in bed all day pouting (and pretty much carried that through today). I'll be happy and party ready by the weekend.

Today is my birthday!

2006-07-11 10:12 a.m.

Today is my birthday. That is all. Update 11:51am: Francesca requested a NSFW warning for the video. I thought it was tame. It shows a vibrator, but absolutely no nudity - it's left up to your imagination (and in French, KFR will enjoy that) so make sure no one is looking over your shoulder while you watch it. Another update: I'm pretty wiped out and sleepy and called it sick to work today. I figure it's my birthday and I'll stay in bed all day if I want to.

Tapping my ass away.

2006-07-10 10:25 p.m.

I used to be able to handle an intermediate hour and half kung fu class and an advanced yoga class. I was practicing scorpion pose off the wall and sparring with people twice my size and half my age. And then my immune system went nuts and started destroying itself. I nearly went blind, my face went paralyzed twice, my cheeks swelled up like I had the mumps, my calves got purple spots, my joints swelled and hurt like crazy and I started throwing up like it was an olympic sport. I was as weak as an anemic kitten.

I'm now injecting myself with a chemotherapy agent once a week and I no longer throw up. My spots are gone and so far nothing else has gone paralytic. But I'm not well yet. My joints hurt so bad that sometimes all I can do is stay in bed and cry from the pain. I've been dabbling with light exercise because I know it's good for me. Plus, I'm incredibly vain and don't want to gain any weight. Trust me, six rounds of Prednisone can leave you looking like absolute crap.

If someone told me that I could get skinny working out for fifteen minutes a day while basically standing in one place I would have spit in their face and called them a big fat lier. But I bought the DVD anyway. Previously, I had spent two weeks doing Denise Austin's Fit and Light television workout. I'd Tivo five and pick one to do each night. I like Denise now. She used to drive me nuts, but she's mellowed and has worked on her presentation. She's still perky but it's now palatable. So anyway, I did Fit and Light every single day for two weeks and noticed some tightening of my obliques, arms and quads but the scale didn't change and my measurements were the same. Shrugged muscle wieghs more than fat blah blah blah.

I put in my T-Tapp DVD and did it religiously for two weeks, every single day, I mean it's only fifteen minutes and it's super easy, even for me. Plus Trinny has taken on the role of personal trainer. She stomps around my feet, licking my toes and perfecting my form. Whenever I bend over she hops up on her hind legs and rubs against my face. It's terribly cute but makes working out difficult. So after two weeks again, the scale hasn't changed BUT: I lost 3 inches off my bust (don't worry the twins are still intact, I think it was off my back and sides), two inches off my waist, two inches off my bootie and an inch off each thigh. Um. Wow. I measured like five times just in case I was doing it wrong or pulling the tape too tight. I couldn't fucking believe it. So I'm two and a half weeks into my "boot camp" then I'll switch to every other day until I'm as skinny as I want to be and next I switch to twice a week for maintenance.

I know, I know, I don't believe it either but I'm going to keep doing it. What initially sold me is that she said she made this work out for people with autoimmune diseases and something something lymph system. This made sense to me as my hilar lymph nodes (under sternum for you non medical peeps) are swollen and making scar tissue. Fun. Maybe this will help clean things out. Also my blood pressure suddenly dropped fifteen points. I was already normal but now I'm averaging 90/55. Cra-zy. But who the hell cares about being healthy. I just want to look good - sad but true.

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