X ray vision

2002-01-07 8:28 a.m.

Simon made it through his eye surgery all right.

We drove to a nice office building in Vancouver, WA. You could tell this was elective surgery by how nicely the waiting room was decorated. Very hip and trendy but severely out of style only five years later. They pumped in upbeat (but not too excitable) muzak and all the receptionists were immaculately groomed and tilted their heads to the side like lost puppies when you spoke to them.

They took Simon into a little room where he signed a dozen "I will not sue you if you fuck up and make me blind" waivers. Then gave him a plastic cup with a valium and vicodin in it. I was feeling nervous and wanted a valium too but I was the designated driver and had to remain chemical free.

Then they kept putting a bunch of drops in his eyes until they dilated enough so his eyes were completely black. He looked like one of those pictures from the seventies where the children are drawn with huge eyes with mournful black pupils. Then he was moved to another room where they dressed him in a stylish shower cap and some dark glasses. He was nervous. I kept asking him things like "Do you feel the drugs yet? Are you relaxed? Do you feel anything?" and he'd keep asking me if I'd ever done it in an optician's chair.

Here's the cool part. The room where the operation takes place has an adjoining room with a glass wall between it and a big television screen that shows a close up on the eye ball! I got to sit in a big room and watch him lying on the table or I could watch the television screen and see the close up on his eye balls! They assured me the room I was in was sound proof so I could scream "icky icky icky!" and roll on the floor gagging without it disturbing Simon.

They strapped him down on the table and he had a very cute technician whose entire job was to hold his hand and tell him how good he was doing and how close they were to being done. This was a high class joint. I wanted someone to sit in the waiting room with me and hold my hand. My biggest fear was that they'd do something to hurt him, he'd beat everyone up and I'd have to finish the operation on him myself.

They placed these icky forceps around his eye so he couldn't blink, then they cut off the top part of his lens and flipped it back with a little spatula, then they shot his eye full of lasers for about fifteen seconds. After that they washed it and flipped back down the flap and removed the forceps. Then they did the next eye. The entire surgery probably only took ten minutes.

When he left he was wearing these funny looking dark goggles. He looked like a superhero. Sort of like BugMan. I took him home and he slept for four hours while wearing the goggles. His eyesight was 20/25 the next day and they expect it to progress during the next couple of weeks to around 20/20 or 20/15. Pretty cool.

Yesterday Simon was staring out the window wistfully. "What's wrong?" I asked. "I was hoping I'd be able to see more." "What do you mean more?" "You know, x-ray vision, be able to see through buildings and stuff." Dork.

I woke up on Thursday with the mother of all migraines and spent the day in bed wishing someone would shoot me in the head. Friday was spent with a dull thudding and a medication hang over. Luckily I'm feeling better know. I hate headaches and seem to spend most of my life with them. Grrr.

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