Smile...and laugh hysterically.
2006-12-03 8:01 p.m.
This is what happens when you try to take a memorable picture with your brother and forget the camera is on video mode and not picture mode. We're dumb. We're family!
0 People have tried to sell me ViagraBeer, surgery and rewriting.
2006-12-03 3:29 a.m.
So, CuppaJoe has officially turned over the reins of Twelve Percent Beer to me. Part of me is all "Whoo-hoo!" and the other part is "Holy crap, what the hell am I doing and why me!?" Especially as I had fledgeling HTML skills, the membership is due this month and half the members have disappeared or stopped blogging all together. With the recommendations of other members I have pulled in some new blood, because I don't want to let all this power go to my head. *laughs like a maniac* But seriously, I'm totally freaked out.
In other news, I performed minor surgery on myself today with an exacto knife, hydrogen peroxide, q-tips, gauze, tape and antibiotic ointment. I somehow got a gash on my leg and it's not healing and not healing well. I blame the stupid Prenisone but since I'm off that maybe I'll get an immune system back. So basically I cut my leg open, uh ouch, drained out the gunk and soaked it in hydro peroxo because the bubbles are so much fun and then bandaged it back up with loads of ointment. If it starts turning black or I get those lines running up towards my heart I'll go into the ER but I think it'll be Okay. Or it's a flesh eating virus. Whatever. It's only like three inches long and not that deep. And yeah, I'm a moron that can't leave well enough alone. I watch one episode of House and immediately want to perform minor surgery on myself.
In even more other news, I've been rewriting the novel and should have it posted sometime next week for your reading pleasure. Make sure you have someone jumpable close by. You've been warned.
0 People have tried to sell me ViagraVisiting my wine guy.
2006-12-01 9:28 p.m.
We're going for take two of Thanksgiving on Sunday. I was willing to let the whole thing go, but I must look sicker than I feel, because my family immediately demanded a redo. As I was driving home, there was something bothering me. Something vastly important that I was suppose to do...
Oh yeah, see my wine guy! I veered across two lanes of oncoming traffic, sending cross walkers screaming and running out of my way. I considered parking illegally in a couple of different spots but it appears Miatas are longer than four feet. Just barely. Someone behind me left so I spun around, went to the end of the street and spun around again, nearly taking out a terribly cute 19 year old emo boy, sorry girl with wine on the mind you self indulgant but adorably depressing boy, screech! and parked.
I walked in just in time for the Friday night wine tasting. Memo to self: start going to the tastings, as there were only men there! I was on a mission so I didn't have time to check the ring fingers. A very pretty and surprisingly perky girl asked if she could help me. I told her I needed a Case of the Month. She looked at me as if I had a horn growing out of my forehead. "A steeeeeal of the month?" she murmured. Uh.....well, kind of, because you do get two of those in the Case of the Month, which is advertised in your monthly newsletter that I've gotten every month for the last ten years. I start feeling my face for the horn. Luckily, the owner knows me and overheard our exchange and the whole horn looking for ritual. He probably thought I was genuflecting which is something I'm sure many people do upon entering a wine shop.
"I've got it!" He yells and proceeds to grab and empty box and runs around the wineshop while beautiful perky girl is instructed to ring me up for 99.99. For a case of wine. Including two bottles of 20 dollar wine. Not bad, eh? I swear, I've never gotten a bad bottle of wine from this guy. The secret he told me once, is he tastes everything he sells. Everything. Which would explain why he's constantly stumbling into the shelves and tripping over the corners of wine boxes. I kid. I kid.
He even carried the wine to my car where he told me that as a kid he'd go through the Thanksgiving buffet line and make a sandwich and he'd still do that today as a grown up, if he thought he could get away with it. I mean who doesn't like a good turkey sandwich? Well, vegetarians and probably other turkeys. Wait, that didn't come out quite right.
Since I'm not on methotrexate and the liver repairs itself, oh so quickly, I just opened a bottle of Galan di Siglo 2003 (Spain) and I'm drinking it out of a Riedel Shiraz Glass because, frankly darling, I'm worth it.
0 People have tried to sell me ViagraCommercial Rantings Dangerous Language Ahead.
2006-12-01 1:08 a.m.
I watch entirely too much television which is where this commercial rant is coming from:
First of all. That Burger King guy with his terrifying mask. Does anyone else think that it looks sort of like a mixture of The Scream and Jason? I'm sorry, but if I woke up in bed next to that mofo I'd immediately chop off it's head with my katana sword and run into the street in my t-shirt and panties, screaming incoherently about french fries and waving a bloody sword. I doubt my neighbors would even call 911. They'd just shrug their shoulders and be all like, Oh KFK is getting the mail again, guess Ed McMahan didn't come through for her.
And what the hell is up with those late night commercials with uber sexy women saying: "You know what I'm doing tonight? I'm calling SnatchQuest to meet some really interesting local singles!" Then you eavesdrop on their conversation as she's trying on shoes, *covers phone up* "I can't talk now *giggle* I'm on a date! *uncovers phone* "Omigod, I feel like I've known you forever too, there was just something special when we first talked!" Come on! Let's be honest here. First of all, no girl that hot is going to be using a phone service to hook up unless she's a pro and is expecting a little bling bling. Most likely it's going to be a bunch of single/married horny ass middle aged men going "Hey, any chicks on here? Any women at all? Hellooooo? Anyone kind of look like a chick?" If they wanted to run a real ad there'd be a white trash woman behind the liquor store saying something like: "Wow, I'm so fucking high on meth that I really want to meet someone special and have un-protected sex in an alley way with an ex-con. Maybe he'll even pay me! *Belch*."
I'm sorry but Mel Gibson's new movie "Apocolypto" sounds like a breath freshener or a bad porno where the woman's vulva explodes at the end.
The brainiac marketer that came up with "Cialis Soft Tabs" ought to be punched in his, well, soft tabs. Talk about an oxymoron.
Carl's Junior should win some sort of award for stacking as many different types of dead animals between two buns than anyone else. I'm not a vegetarian, but even I'm a little horrified at the things they choose to stack together. The reason that the have subtitles for their commercial for the philly cheesesteak hamburger is because both of those young cabbies have had strokes from eating lunch at Carl's Junior every day, not because they have cool New Jersey accents and their orfices are stuffed with meat.
It's Christmas time so all the fucking diamond commercials are out, thus instilling into my hamster like brain, that I am a total loser unless some man gives me a huge diamond because we all know that diamonds equal TLF! I cry like a fucking baby whenever I see the one where he puts the necklace on her while she's sleeping and then she wakes up, caresses it before turning over to look at him and he's pretending to be sleeping *snarf* and he smiles just a little bit to let her know that he's awake and that he loves her more than anything in the entire world and promises her that she'll never be alone in a house with fifteen cats and if she ever got a really bad kidney infection he would without any hesitation give her one of his because he loves her that fucking much and if anyone were ever to draw a gun on them he would immediately grab her and place her behind him so they would shoot him and not her because he values her life more than his own. Yes, I got all that from the smile (and the diamonds), didn't you? *stops to blow nose and pet all of the cats* (Only two I'm not insane, yet)
I have absolutely no idea why I know so much about commercials. I have a Tivo. I fast forward through commercials. I'm Generation X, the MTV generation, I've got the attention span of fruit fly with ADD, but there you have it.
0 People have tried to sell me ViagraCat Fancy and Clam Diggers.
2006-11-29 10:27 a.m.
I'm trying to be a tough girl and ride out the holidays without steroids or chemotherapy drugs for the sarcoidosis. They make me feel really bad and we're try ing to figure out if I'm a little better or I'll relapse something awful and then I'll gleefully start stabbing my tummy with needles full of noxious yellow fluid once a week.
This means I usually wake up in the morning stumbling around like an 80 year old woman whose afraid she's going to fracture her hip. I waddle very slowly while cussing "forking duckshit" to the bathroom and take a handfull of anti-inflammatories and anti-pain medications and then waddle back to bed to read until I can walk somewhat normally. I find that a ridiculous amount of blankets on the bed can make me sweat while I sleep, but also keeps my joints warm enough so they don't seize up on me. Loki thinks hundreds of blankets is the greatest invention in the world. He'll burrow under the blankets down by my thighs and snooze while baking himself at 120 degrees. He should be done at about 30 minutes per pound.
Seriously, he loves the heat. If I were to ever fulfill my dream of installing a deck with hot tub in the backyard, I'm sure Loki would overcome his innate fear of water in the blink of the eye. You'd find him out there 24/7 drinking clamdiggers* and staring at the centerfolds of Cat Fancy magazine and then getting very confused because he's fixed and they burned his balls off. Yes, the cauterize boy cats these days. No stitches! They just wander around smelling like barbecue chicken for a couple of days. But I digress.
So I decide to tranfer my broken body from the bed to the couch and take Loki with me because I'm afraid he's going to die of suffocation or the little timer in his ass will pop and tell me he's done cooking.
Low and behold there's a starling convention on our front lawn! I'm not kidding you! There must have been about 100 of the annoying buggers poking around in the lawn and hanging from the gutters and trees. Loki smashed himself against the window and started going "Gak gak gak gak gak gak gak gak"
Translation: "Oh my freaking God, have you ever seen so many tasty birds in one place at once? Can I go out and bring some in, please, can I? Huh? Can I? I am so freaking excited!" And then he starts whumping his tail against the window which sounds like a hippy drum circle has just settled into the livingroom and all the birds fly off at once. "Gak?"
"Sorry, bud." He stomps off to his hammock to sleep over the heating vent. "Meh."
*CLAM DIGGER
� Several dashes of Tabasco Sauce
� 4 oz. V-8 juice
� 2 tsp. lemon juice
� 1 1/2 oz. clam juice
� 1 1/2 oz. vodka
Pinch freshly ground white pepper
Dash Worcestershire sauce
Penguin generated violence against women.
2006-11-29 9:26 a.m.
This week's Comic is lovingly dedicated to Dom who keeps finding the weirdest stuff on YouTube. I think he types in the search engine words like: nightmare, freak out, German, utter weirdness and cartoon. My comic is not nearly as thought provoking unless you want to do a thesis on penguin generated violence against women and even that would be pushing it a bit.
0 People have tried to sell me Viagra
Its payback time.
2006-11-29 12:08 a.m.
I'm done with the Prednisone but someone needs to tell that to my body. My sleep schedule is all screwed up and I'm having a difficult time getting it back on track. Oh, and can someone tell my face that I'm no longer in high school? Please? I've got more zits than I can count. Putting on make-up takes five brushes and a bucket full of spackle. My beloved prescription Differin cream which used to keep my porcelain skin smooth as a baby's butt wrapped in silk, doesn't seem to be doing a damn thing. I might as well be squirting it on the cats. So very unattractive right now.
Speaking of silk, did you know it takes 2,100 silk worms to make a kimono? Neither did I.
Last night I picked up my tarot cards, I couldn't find my regular deck (Robin Wood) and instead used The Connolley deck and gave myself a reading. Most of it was not very surprising - you're ill and your life is devastated! Well, duh. But the near and far future was amazingly hopeful. For a certain constellation of cards I wrote down "whatever you ask for, you will get." This has also been coming up with meetings with my guru. Get angry and tell the world everything you want and you'll get it. I've been screaming to the world a lot lately. There's quite a few things I want and deserve. It's time for karma to tip in my direction. I've done my time.
Where's my fucking silk kimono? World, I'm asking you a question.
0 People have tried to sell me ViagraStatistics
2006-11-28 12:48 a.m.
Title: The Bats Have Left the Bell Tower
Body Count: 11
Girls Kissing Girls: 3
Boys Kissing Boys: 1
Main Character Orgasms: 8
Boygasms: 9
References to Bela Lugosi's Dead: 3
Broken Bones: 1
Getting Shot: 1
Bites: 14
Knife Play: 2
Tongues Bitten: 2
A few of my favorite snippets:
���Helena didn�t know how to answer that. Instead she just stared into Shelley�s sea blue eyes. They reminded her of a storm. The kind of storm where you tied yourself to the mast of the ship and held on for dear life.
���She needed to quit tormenting herself. What did boys think about when they wanted to avoid sexy thoughts? Baseball. She didn�t really know anything about baseball except as euphemisms for sex. Not helpful. Instead she thought about yoga. She thought about cobra position and the pull she�d get in her hamstrings when she�d try to bend her legs at the knees and touch the back of her head to her toes.
����Why are you thinking about yoga?� Shelley asked.
���Helena burst out laughing. �Get out of my head!�
����Not until you tell me why you�re concentrating on, what is it, cobra position so hard.�
����I didn�t know anything about baseball so I was thinking about yoga,� she relented.
���It was Helena�s turn now to stand sentry, watch the band and block the view as Raven and Angel exchanged a tiny portion of blood and played a bit.
����We can�t mentally hear each other,� Raven reported sadly a few minutes later. �I thought it was worth a try.�
����Oh please, you�ve been trying to get into my pants since we met,� Angel teased.
���It was Raven�s turn to look embarrassed and blush a bit. Helena laughed, she had never seen Raven so disarmed before. Normally she was in charge of the situation and in charge of all her emotions. It was quite amusing to see her sputtering and stuttering.
���Come on, let�s dance. And Helena pulled both of them into the center of the pit where they could dance together.
And here's how the story ends with a letter to Helena's parents from "Dr." Percy Bysshe Shelley:
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Mayfaire,
It is with a heavy heart and deep regrets that I must inform you of the passing of your daughter Helena Amelie Mayfaire. She was diagnosed with neurosarcoidosis at the beginning of September and lost the use of the right side of her body. She initially responded well to corticosteroids and intravenous methotrexate. Eventually the lesions spread from her spinal column to her brain and she lost the ability to breath and passed away in the middle of the night, despite rigorous life saving efforts. Please know that she spoke of you often and did not wish to burden you with her illness. Her sudden passing took all of us by surprise. I am no longer working at the hospital that treated her but if you wish to contact me you can reach me at The Clinic 2115 N. Burnside, Portland, OR 97205.
Sincerely Yours,
Dr. P.B. Shelley
A Long Time Ago We Used To Be Friends.
2006-11-27 1:32 a.m.
I've done one read through of the entire manuscript with some light editing. I'm not happy with the action adventure plot line. It's pretty lame, which isn't to say it's not very exciting to read. Lots of action and violence, if that makes any sense. However, I am happy with my main characters personal plot line. She's strong sassy and grows throughout the book. They say you have to break your character and then rebuild them. Well, let's see...I paralyzed her on the right side of her body, turned her into a vampire, stabbed her in the neck with a knife so she nearly bled out and turned to ash, she was shot her through the shoulder and broke her arm in a sewer. She also killed four people and wound up in a polyamorous relationship with two sexalicious men. A few of my favorite lines from my book is:
There was a sharp knock on the door. �Go the hell away,� Dave threw back his head and roared. �I know you�re done rodgering, because the poor girl�s stopped screaming. Get downstairs, I�ve got news,� Shelley yelled through the door and then stomped off down the hall.
By the way, Shelley is Percy Bysshe Shelley the poet. Yes, I'm bastardizing the romantic poets and turning them into vampires. My apologies to English Professors all over the world. Actually, Shelley was already in "Burn for Me" as a prominent character.
The big surprise in this novel was one of my characters (Raven) turned out to be bi-sexual. Could have knocked me over with a feather. I thought I knew her. So, of course, I had to write a gratuitous three way girl make out scene in a club.
I hate it when the writing part is over. It's like all my friends are gone. Editing just isn't the same as writing, I feel so removed from them all now.
