All this mojo and nowhere to go.
2006-08-19 4:46 p.m.
I went to pick up some food and then stopped at my local quickie mart to assuage my Diet Coke addiction. Three bottles of 1 liter Diet Coke costs $5.22 there and I like the family. It's a Japanese Mom, Pop and Son joint and they all know me. Plus they have imported weapons behind the counter. The son obviously speaks the best English followed by mom then dad. Getting the correct lottery ticket from dad is a five minute process: five powerball with kicker, ten dollar ticket turns into a convoluted confusing description of what the ticket should look like and how much it should cost. Today mom is working and she's staring at me hard as she rings me up.
"No make up?" she asked and gestures across her face. I am indeed not wearing any make up. I get a little lazy during the summer about my regimen and am not even sporting Hollywood incognito: sunglasses and lipstick.
"No make up." I confirm, thinking that she's going to tell me that I look like I'm hung over.
"You have beautiful skin. My skin, bleah."
I actually think she has lovely skin, it's a gorgeous tawny gold color and smooth. She rubs her arm. "Your skin nice all over, not mine."
"I think your skin is great!"
"Gray? Yes, gray. Bleah."
I try to straighten out the misunderstanding. Then we attempt to have a discussion about facials at Dosha but she's confused about whether I'm getting facials or giving them. I start shortening my sentences and we finally get it straight. Luckily, another customer with a nicotine fit comes in, otherwise it would have turned into one of those conversations: "You're pretty!" *giggle* "No, I think you're pretty." *giggle* "No, you're pretty!" *giggle*
For the record, she does not have gray skin. Does anyone have gray skin? Maybe dead people.
0 People have tried to sell me ViagraTaken aback.
2006-08-18 4:27 p.m.
"You, my dear, are very beautiful." The gas station attendant said to me as he handed me my receipt. I was completely taken aback. "Thank you!" I gushed before he could run off to the next car that pulled up. He's not my type, but it was the first time in a loooong time that a complete stranger has said something so nice and complimentary to me. I've never considered myself a girl that turns heads. I always thought I was the kind of girl that you'd overlook at first until I started talking and joking around, that's what usually snags them. So you can see why this really threw me for a loop. A good loop. I drove home smiling repeating those words to myself before they could disappear.
0 People have tried to sell me ViagraLOTR, ouch!
2006-08-18 3:19 a.m.
Okay, we needed something funny and I stumbled across this skit that I've never seen before. It was apparantly shown during the MTV music awards. Jack Black and Michelle Gellar demonstrate another way to wear The One Ring. (Probably NSFW due to flashes of Jack's butt and naughty talk).
0 People have tried to sell me ViagraTeeth fine. Head hurts.
2006-08-17 9:38 p.m.
I went back to work today and then immediately remembered why I needed a vacation oh so very bad in the first place. Late afternoon I went to a dental appointment and was given a bunch of free dental swag: purple toothbrush, floss, 2 tubes of sensodyne and an entire line of products for people with dry mouth. It seems my parotid glands are all scarred and I can't spit like I should. I was told by Mr. Dentist that I had pretty white perfect teeth, but my gums were receding which is something that happens naturally as we get older. I then assaulted the dentist with his drill and squirted grape flavored flouride all over his lab coat for calling me old.
Then I had to drive clear across town, back to work for a whopping twenty minutes then drove back across town again home. As such, I'm out of gas. The headache I've had for three days has reached Defcon 2 which is the pounding and throbbing stage. I'm not at the point where I'm barfing, curled up in the fetal position asking for someone to kill me. I just keep popping migraine medication hoping that something will snap my little head veins tight.
*Sigh* I need a vacation.
0 People have tried to sell me ViagraPublic Service Announcement.
2006-08-17 2:05 a.m.
If you need me tonight I will be dressed in my ninja outfit on the roof with a sniper rifle. I should also mention that I'm currently having my period of the mindset to shoot first and ask questions later. If anyone even looks at my car they're going to get it. Officer Friendly has also promised to drive past my house on a regular basis.
0 People have tried to sell me ViagraI curse you.
2006-08-16 2:54 a.m.
My heart is nearly beating out of my chest. I'm trying to type while holding a can of mace and a katana sword. I was so proud of myself for going to bed at a reasonable hour, uh, 2:00am. Only to be woken up by my car alarm at 2:17am. I ran out into the living room and looked out the window. The passenger side window of my car was smashed in. First of all, it's not enough that these fuckheads did this to me already. Second of all, they've also set my my neighbor's car ON FIRE. Third of all, I've got the biggest, loudest, most expensive car alarm on the market. The blinking blue light illuminates everything within a four block radius. What the hell were they thinking?
I called the police. I then ran to put some pants on because all I was wearing was a Peter Murphy t-shirt and some lace panties. The police man pulled over a punk in a Honda and talked to a guy with a cane but didn't see anything too incriminating. He said he'd do a police report for me and I made him promise on his mother's life that he'd drive past my house as often as he could tonight in case they came back or decided to go for my collection of Victorian novels.
Fuckers. I checked in the car and they again didn't get the radio but mangled it. *That sound you hear is me grinding my teeth* I went back outside and got a bunch of safety glass stuck in the bottoms of my lovely pampered feet so I could tape an Amazon.com box over the gaping hole that once held my car window. I taped over that a piece of paper that says: "Thief: You've Been Cursed" and made the sign of the Goddess. I'm so angry I want to cry. I am definitely moving somewhere with a garage. And a moat. And like twenty fucking rabid rottweilers wrapped in barb wire with metal pointy teeth who crave the taste of human flesh. Fuckers.
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With Happy Ending You Get Free Eggroll!
2006-08-15 3:45 p.m.
I think there's still drool dripping down the right side of my mouth. They worked me hard. My masseuse had a very gentle but thorough touch and near the end of my massage she did this thing that no one else has ever done to me before during a massage. No, not that, you pervert. She cupped her hands and started beating on my back like it was a drum. She totally wailed on me and it felt oh, so, wonderful. It was like all my nerve endings were singing at once and the endorphins were being released by the bucketful. Plus it made this really funny slapping sound. When she got near my butt I had this irrepresible urge to start giggling and scream out "Slap that ass! Whoo!" which would have ruined the quiet Zen like atmosphere of the spa. I'm sure the slapping sounds echoing down the hallway were distressing enough on their own.
The facial technician didn't slap me around, in fact she nearly put me to sleep with her sneaky facial pressure point techniques (hence the drool). While inspecting my face she told me my skin was perfect. Again, another moment where I felt like I deserved a scratch and sniff sticker. I was told I had no blackheads, my skin was eslastic, well hydrated and I looked like a 21 year old Swiss moutain girl. I made that last bit up, but you get my drift. We decided to just cleanse and exfoliate the hell out of my face and she massaged some yummy oil into my scalp and rubbed my feet with lotion then wrapped them up in hot towel booties. Ahhh.
0 People have tried to sell me ViagraTree sloth ends her vacation.
2006-08-14 9:14 p.m.
I can't believe my two week vacation is almost over and I have accomplished absolutely nothing. I have a small stack of financial papers that I've collected (does anyone know a good mortgage broker in Portland?), I cleaned my house a tiny bit and I read a ton of novels. My lifestyle resembles the habits of the common tree sloth only with painted toe nails.
I almost had a date but things sort of fell apart due to bad timing on my part. Damn, so close. I am dying for some human contact. Cute boy contact over a glass of wine would be the best, but instead I'm settling for the way the Quickie Mart cashier's fingers linger on my palm as he gives me my change. Our eyes meet and I flutter my eyelashes and say breathily "Thanks. You can keep the pennies."
I got my lab results in the mail today. I opened them eagerly waiting to see what sort of wisdom my rheumatologist would impart on me. He just checked the box that said "normal lab results." WTF? I've had fucked up blood and no immune system for three years and all I get is a lousy check mark?! I wanted a "Great Job!" "You Go, Girl!" "Na na na na, na na na na, hey hey, sarcoidosis good-bye!" and/or a strawberry scratch and sniff sticker that says "Your Blood Rocks!" I thought he should have sent me flowers, balloons, and some chocolates or how about a strip-a-gram! Champagne! Is all that too much to ask someone who makes a bazillion* dollars a year? But a check mark? He is no fun at all. Harrumph. I bet he didn't even see them. It was probably one of the nurses that sent them them out.
I booked some spa time this week so when I return to cubicle land I'll look lovely and well rested. I can't wait to be steamed, exfoliated, extracted, rubbed and massaged and pummelled within an inch of my life. Sadly, it will be the most action I've seen all summer. Rowr.
* Rough estimate.
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