Age Appropriate
2007-07-22 10:40 p.m.
I'm not dead. Sorry if I scared anyone. I just had to go through my usual birthday depression and then I kind of came down with some sort of bug or possibly heat stroke that knocked me on my ass for a week. I'm feeling a tad better and I'm happy to see that the weather is going to hold. Today I ran across a bithday photo of a woman who just turned 40 and I spent forever staring at the photo trying to convince myself that we were nothing alike, other than being almost the same age. (She's still older.) To me, she represented everything about middle age that I fear. The short sensible hair cut that was unflattering, overweight and happy to dress in shapeless bags, tacky handmade jewelry that's not meant to be kitsch, a smile that says her better days are all behind her and she's okay with being in the shadows. I wanted to run away screaming but I kept staring instead. Keep in mind that this has nothing to do with her, this is all me and my fucked up head. She actually looked happy and pleased with herself. She seemed like she was even a fairly interesting person. She seemed like the kind of person who would laugh loudly at lunch and put her hand on your arm and tell your how cute and funny you were. I'm just not ready to be that person. I don't think I ever will be. I'm going to be one of those women who dress inappropriately for their age, who break their hip in a mosh pit and pinch the tushy of cute doctor's in the emergency room. I'm not ready to be as old as I am. I never got to be a blushing bride or a young mother. Everything is so off track in my life. It's all terribly fucked up and that's what I kept thinking as I stared into this stranger's eyes.