So. Very. Sexy.
2006-05-28 12:07 a.m.

It's day two of a painful headache. I'm surprised I can feel anything at all, let alone this monstrous head pain. It hasn't quite reached migraine levels but it tettering on that edge. Stupid blood vessels in head. Stupid nerves. So needless to say, I didn't get a helluva lot done today. I ate some food, took a couple naps with the cats and watched a lot of Tivo. I also suffered under the delusion that it was Friday. I never quite figured out what day it was until now and technically it's Sunday so what the heck happened to my Saturday?

I have to consider the possibility that some sort of Alien Abduction is responsible for all of this.

While I was waking up from nap number two, cute neighbor guy started ringing my doorbell. I ran around quickly trying to put on a bra (I'm not the kind of girl who can answer the door braless, it's not that I'm shy, it just crosses that line between sexy and pornographic) and put my hair in a crooked ponytail. He's rented some sort of gigantic machine to whack down my backyard. Oh yeah, did I mention he's my gardner? He's my gardener. So he gave me a heads up on loud noises coming from the backyard sometime soon and left. I walked into the bathroom and saw that my make up was totally smeared, I had raccoon eyes, sheet marks across my face and possibly some dried drool on the side of my mouth. Basically, I looked like something a Saint Bernard barfed up. So. Very. Sexy.

Ah well, good thing he's married. In fact they have a one week old baby girl. Memo to self: steal baby. This would explain why their cat has moved into my porch and turned it into her own studio apartment. My doormat is her bed, the bark planter is her scratching post and one corner of the porch - by the sudden appearance of feathers and mouseparts - is the formal dining room. I'm like cat nip or possibly I said something to her in catese that sounded like: "So yeah, you can totally move in with us." My boy cat is all in a twitter. He can't decide whether he wants to beat her up or get it on with her. Reminds me of the last guy I dated.

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No wonder my neighbors think I am special.
2006-05-25 8:39 p.m.

I was walking home from the Quickie Mart when my neighbor's cat Stripey Girl came around the corner towards me. She gave me a shout out and I answered:

"Bon jour mon petit miaow! How are you? You're looking so pretty today. Such lovely stripes. Are you going home for dinner? Would you like your head scratched? Of course you would. *skritch skritch* Yes, yes, I was just out for a walk. No there's no cat food in my bag just diet coke and kitties don't like diet coke. I know because I've tried to give some to my cats before and they went yuck! Isn't that nice? My precious precious sweet little girl. Well, I have to get home, I've got lots of stuff to do and you should probably go home and get some din din. I'll see you later, darling. Meow meow meow meow!"

I stand up to resume my walk and suddenly notice my neighbor is sitting a few feet away from me on his front porch with his mouth hanging open holding a cigarette that has burnt to ash. "Hi." he says loudly (in English). I can feel my face turning red. I pick up my pace a bit so possibly he won't notice. "Hi! How's it going!" I shout over my shoulder as I power walk my ass around the corner.

Oh boy, do I feel like a moron. It doesn't help that he's super cute either. I can have terribly long conversations with his cat but can't string together a full sentence around him.

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Now a word from our sponsor.
2006-05-24 11:04 p.m.

I've added a couple new items to the Kungfukitten Store. There's the stylish black T-shirt and I made a little Kungfukitten logo button. Don't forget our sexy ringer shirt, shown here by our sexy model LeeboZeebo.

I don't think I got any sleep last night. As soon as I went to bed my little girl cat did five lines of coke and started doing laps around the house screaming at the top of her lungs. Then she came into the bedroom and tried to swing from the mosquito netting I have decoratively hung around my bed. I kicked her off the bed four or five times. Then as I was drifting off to sleep I had an earful of her grinding teeth trying to open my bottle of Diet Coke on the nightstand. Next she tried to eat one of my iPod ear plugs. I threw her off the nigthstand and she started doing her laps/screaming routine again. I was almost asleep again when she jumped up on the bed and shoved her paw up my left nostril. I'm really glad I trimmed her nails earlier this week, although this wasn't the reason why. If she wasn't so damn cute I would have been sporting a lovely fur lined jacket to work today.

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You never know where an entry is going to go once you start writing.
2006-05-23 10:53 p.m.

I broke down and e-mailed Dr. Rheumatologist. The jist of it, was I was in excruciating pain and wanted to know if it was okay to chop off my hands and feet. Okay, I worded it better than that but I was panicking and have been on the verge of tears since Saturday. He e-mailed me back in like three minutes (World record for any response from my HMO I'm thinking about awarding him a plaque) stating that I should keep popping pain pills and the injectible methotrexate takes 4-6 weeks to become effective.

Hmm. I wish someone would have told me that earlier. I thought I was decompensating something fierce and it would only be a matter of days until I was in the ICU with machines beeping around me and I was dictating the outline of my estate and the trust funds for the cats to my attorney. Memo to self: find attorney.

It's mostly the lower extremities. I have excruciating nerve pain shooting up my legs. It feels like there are evil ninja elves are hacking at my ankles and shins with katana swords and kama blades. Stop it you nefarious bastards! I'm sick of you. *stomp* *stomp* *stomp* Elf blood splatters across the camera lens. Everything turns to black and white. Close up on screaming Elf face. Slow motion bloody Kama blade falls to the ground, bounces, sending blood splattering in time to Japanese music. It's snowing outside. Our heroine stands still with her cut up and mangled shins and stares balefully into the camera before stepping on the last twitching elf and leaving the scene stage right. This last paragraph has been brought to you by Quentin Tarantino. Kill Elf will be released in theaters this July and will be rated NC-17 for violence, sex and topless go go dancing. Kungfukitten plays herself. Uma Thurman will be her butt double. Tickets available soon.

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It was a dark and stormy night.
2006-05-22 3:48 p.m.

It was late and my man and I were snuggled up on the couch playing footsies. It was raining heavily outside and we were both dozing off when suddenly there was someone at the side gate. It was much too big for a cat. They make a *bang zip bang* noise. This was a *bang bang bang scratch* noise. Loki and I both bolted upright. This was no mere cat crossing. This was possibly a serial killer or perhaps a moose. We simultaneously leaped up and went to the window. I threw open the curtains and was face to face...with a big ass raccoon. He looked pretty wet and miserable. In fact he kind of waved a little black hand at us dismissively and began climbing off the gate and onto the neighbors fence. Loki, who is normally plastered up against the window when a cat is outside, was sitting on the chair with his feet pointing away from the window. Just in case. We raced to the other window and watched the raccoon waddle across the front lawn, over the front gate, cross the street and climb the steel fence into my neighbor's yard. Hmm, I wonder if they know they have raccoons.

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Five things in no particular order.
2006-05-22 12:09 a.m.

Things I have done and things you should do in no particular order:

1) I upgraded my comments to Haloscan so everyone and their mother can leave me a comment. Spammers be damned. I missed you guys. The sad part is I lost all my old comments and all the wonderful and witty things that you guys have said. Alas.

2) Go over to Angi's Blog and admire the pretty favicon I set up for her. Ooo ahh. Fire pretty. Say something nice to her.

3) At the bottom of this page you'll see "Clix" between the Previous and Next links. In another attempt to whore myself on the internet I signed up with Clix. The more you Clix me, the higher I get ranked and supposedly the more new readers I'll enchant. Thanks to everyone who has clixed me so far, because I'm number 15 out of 250. You guys rock.

4) Go read last week's entries because this weekend was fun and fucked up in that order.

5) Recommend me some music to download from the iCrack store. What's your favorite song right now? I need some new music.

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