Worst. Cat. Owner. Ever.
2006-04-29 9:48 p.m.
There is a small hole in the ceiling in the mud room where the rain has come in an taken out a large circle of the dry wall, or whatever they make ceilings out of. Early this morning there was a horrible racket and Trinity came limping into the kitchen all wet. Wet? I check the tub. Empty. The toilet. Lid down. I pick her up and smell her. She smells wet and is a little confused that I'm sniffing her. I follow the trail of water into the mudroom and into the bucket that catches the rainwater next to the wall and the washing machine. I hear someone giggling insanely at me. I look up and am eye to eye with Squirrel. He was sticking his head out the rain water hole and laughing at me.
Bastard! You're the one who teased my cat into a frenzy so she'd jump, miss and end up in the icky rain water bucket. I would have waved my finger at him and scolded him except for one thing. Rabies. We all need a rabies booster. Bastard Squirrel most of all. I also discovered while doing laundry that this morning's accident has dislodged the dryer tube and I can't get it reattached. Fuck. I need a husband.
Both cats are getting extra love today. Yesterday I came home with an armful of groceries. I came inside, juggling all my bags and Loki started screaming. I couldn't figure out what the hell is problem was. He kept on screaming. Then I discovered I was standing on his foot. Sorry. Worst. Cat. Ower. Ever.
Warm cream massages for everyone tonight!
3 People have tried to sell me ViagraLittle known facts.
2006-04-27 8:00 p.m.
I found one of those silly meme's from a random blog. However, I'm adding my own twist by adding my own comments in italics:
Ten Top Trivia Tips about Kungfukitten!
- Czar Paul I banished Kungfukitten to Siberia for marching out of step. Don't blame me, blame all the vodka.
- The fingerprints of Kungfukitten are virtually indistinguishable from those of humans, so much so that they could be confused at a crime scene! This could be why I keep ending up in line ups.
- The only Englishman to become Kungfukitten was Nicholas Breakspear, who was Kungfukitten from 1154 to 1159. Now you know.
- Fish travel in schools, but whales travel in Kungfukitten. Wait, are you calling me fat?!
- If you toss Kungfukitten 10000 times, she will not land heads 5000 times, but more like 4950, because her head weighs more and thus ends up on the bottom. That is so not true. My ass is soo much bigger than my head but thanks for the compliment. In fact, this makes up for the whale thing
- US gold coins used to say 'In Kungfukitten we trust'! Until all the gold coins started disappearing then they changed it.
- The word 'samba' means 'to rub Kungfukitten'. Samba! Samba! Samba! Baby!
- Peanuts and Kungfukitten are beans! WTF?
- Antarctica is the only continent without Kungfukitten! There's a reason for that. It's frickin cold there and penguins hate me.
- Only fifty-five percent of men wash their hands after using Kungfukitten. Eeew. This is probably says something about the caliber of men I date, or perhaps I'm hypoallergenic.
1 People have tried to sell me Viagra
The tarot files.
2006-04-26 10:42 p.m.
I've spent the entire day fighting off a headache. It's teterred at the edge of a migraine all day long. I did get a ton of work done from home so I don't feel too bad about not being in the office. I took a long bubble bath this morning which was a major triumph - at least I'm clean! My mail carrier then showed up juggling a handful of tiny packages from last week's midnight shopping spree at Amazon.com. I got some saucy topaz Celtic earrings, a book on footbinding and a Vampire Tarot Deck. A strange combination but representative, I'm sure.
I don't write much about Tarot but I've been reading cards since 1988. I have never charged for my services. I guess I've never felt that I was "skilled" enough to charge for my time. I usually read for myself and pull them out when I've got a house full of drunk people. I went to a pagan party in the fall dressed as a white priestess and discovered a discarded Rider Waite deck lying on the coffee table. I started drinking and doing free readings. What a way to make friends! I became known as the Tarot Girl. I even scored a fabulous young buck boy toy (his words, not mine) for a month out of that gig. Not too shabby. I've come to consider him a cosmic tip.
I believe in free will but I also believe in destiny. A dichotomy? Well, I believe that we all have predictable patterns that we fall into, but I also believe that with enough effort we can change our lives and reshape ourselves into anything we want. The cards are really nothing more than therapy tools. I consider it a cheap form of psychotherapy. I guess that's why I've never charged, I don't feel properly credentialled (am I making up new words?) and I'm no Madame Cleo...or am I?
I don't think I'll do much reading with the Vampire Tarot deck but the pictures are quite inspirational, albeit a little gory. I might use them for writing. It might also be fun to scan some of the images and make some banner ads. I've got a bazillion running right now. I had a whole lot of fun making some banners for HaloAskew which she seemed to really like. I might try to go into business. I make you five banners and you buy me a little trinket off my Amazon or Sephora wish list. Would anyone be interested? I'm not a whiz at HTML but I'm pretty good when it comes to manipulating imaes in PhotoShop. Here's my most recent batch of banners:
Hilda Duckworth.
2006-04-25 8:44 p.m.
I had to run for the elevator this afternoon and noticed that I was limping with my left leg. As I fell into the elevator, I smiled sheepishly at my coworkers. "Every morning I wake up with a new 80 year old woman's body and I never know which one it's going to be."
Today's body is brought to you by Hilda Duckworth. *Applause* Hilda has arthritis in her ankles and kness and her wrists make horrible cracking sounds when she types. Hilda also cusses at teenage drivers and flips the bird at bicycle couriers that cut off her sportscar downtown.
Honestly, the left leg limp is a bit of a surprise. The back of my right leg has been randomly swelling to the point of me walking around like a pirate with a wooden peg leg. The crazy thing is I just put up with crap like this. Despite taking a regimen of daily medication that would rival Courtney Love's Kate Spade handbag; I'm still in a whole lot of pain. My fingers are swollen little Jimmy Dean sausages and every night I cry after a day of typing because it feels like those god damn Keebler Elves are smashing my wrist bones with a hammer.
On the upside I got my 10 year gift for working at the insurance company for a decade. Luggage. It's pretty cool. It comes with a carry on bag and a toiletries kit and the little handle comes out so you can roll it around instead of carry it. It's made by Bob Mackie. I don't know who that is but he makes nice luggage. Now I just need to go on a trip. Who wants to go to England with me? With enough Valium and bourbon I can fly anywhere. Hell, I could even fly plane myself. Hilda Duckworth is fearless when she's loaded.
10 People have tried to sell me ViagraNarcoleptic coffee sex.
2006-04-24 1:00 a.m.
My parents came down to help me rehabilitate my yard this weekend. We got the front done and then blew up my electric lawn mower on the backyard. We dropped off my nice Honda gas mower at the service center to get a tune up, maybe that one will be strong enough to withstand the field of weeds and crabgrass. I used to love yard work but I just can�t do it by myself anymore. I sat on the sidewalk for awhile and slowly pulled weeds. My mother gave me a weird curvy looking hand tool that I could never figure out so I attacked the sidewalk median with a huge fork thingy my mother brought with her. It made me feel like a cowgirl. I lasted about half an hour before this cowgirl had to come inside and lay down. I hate being so weak but it�s good to have parents who are master gardeners. They actually like doing this stuff. We talked my neighbor, who has a landscape business, into doing monthly maintenance for me. He�s supposed to stop by with an estimate/contract for me this week. I hope I can afford him. At least the front yard now looks nice. In fact, I have radical curb appeal, especially if I�m sitting on the front porch in a tube top tank top drinking Jagermeister and eating pork rinds sipping champagne and eating strawberries.
It was a beautiful weekend - 70ish degrees and I�m embarrassed to say I was outside a total of the above thirty minutes. I got some work done that I brought home, read a lot and slept like a kitten. I also found and transferred a copy of this year�s NaNo novel to my refurbished iBook. It�s 4,100 words and pretty good, much better than I remembered it. I have vowed to write every morning over a cup of coffee. This means I need to start drinking coffee again. I have about $100 in Starbucks gift cards in my purse so this shouldn�t be a problem. My No Coffee Experiment yielded absolutely no positive results except I discovered I have the ability to fall asleep anywhere, anytime, for absolutely no reason. I think I have been narcoleptic my entire life, it was just conveniently hidden by my coffee use. Coffee good : Forced caffeinated sobriety bad. I mean, I�m not really allowed to drink alcohol - stupid Methotrexate, so that just leaves coffee and sex. Not necessarily in that order � you know, the whole coffee breath thing. Sex. I remember sex. It must be spring again.