Melissa, come here and palpate this...
2006-04-15 9:49 p.m.
I'm sure if my father knew that I was writing about this in my blog he'd be a little embarassed. You see my dad is one of those baby boomers that is going through all those scary tests that baby boomers have to go through in order to ensure that their bodies are still working correctly. This month he had a health scare and had to get a prostate biopsy. Not only did he have to have a procedure done, but they asked if some medical students could watch and participate. Sure, why not. My family is all about education. As a retired fireman/paramedic he felt he couldn't say no. I asked him if it was worse than a colonoscopy. "Of course! During that they knocked me unconscious!" Well, the tests results came back yesterday and he's super healthy, nothing wrong! I called my brother to pass on the good news and told him that Hallmark doesn't carry any "Your Prostate Rocks!" greeting cards. Then we devised a whole line of baby boomer medical related cards we could carry. Maybe a close up of some cleavage and the title "Glad to Hear the Twins are Doing Great!" written across front. There's definitely a market out there just waiting to be exploited.
4 People have tried to sell me ViagraThe miracle of birth.
2006-04-14 6:39 p.m.
I had to pee really really bad as I struggled with the keys to get in the house. I threw everything on the floor, turned off the alarm and raced to the bathroom. In my haste, I ripped off my jeans and threw them on the bathroom floor. As I was, well you know, Loki strolled in and dove into the discarded the pants. He began spelunking his way down the right pant leg. Soon he was wedged in so tight he flipped over onto his side. There was some wriggling and then two paws were waving out the end of the cuff. Next a cat head popped out. He looked at me. "Merf!" "Sorry I'm a bit busy." I answered. He did some more wriggling and behold, out popped my cat! He seemed inordinately proud of himself. I was suddenly reminded of how fat my thighs were.
2 People have tried to sell me ViagraCan I write off eyeliner?
2006-04-11 11:09 p.m.
Oh my fucking dog. Taxes are due in four days. Nobody told me it was April. Whose turn was it to tell me what month it was? I'm going to go breathe into a paperbag now as I gather up my receipts and paperwork.
5 People have tried to sell me ViagraSex Sells.
2006-04-10 11:27 p.m.
Non Diaryland Bloggers may not know that we here can run banner ads around Diaryland for little or no moolah. It's a fun way to find new blogs to read and to court new readers. This month I ran two new sets of banners. The first set was my Naughty Pin Up Girls posted in order of popularity (most clicks):
Most people who clicked on these banners were actually a little disappointed that they didn't end up at Hiss and Tell's Diary. It appears we have the same sharp tongue and taste in trashy women. My next set was the Shag Series where I used random bumper sticker quips. Again, posted in order of popularity:
I'm always surprised at what gets the most clicks. The "Beer Not Just For Breakfast Anymore" was my absolute favorite but was the least popular of all my banners. Upon deeper contemplation, I guess it's true, sex sells.
6 People have tried to sell me ViagraPut your arm in the air like you just don't care.
2006-04-09 11:28 p.m.
I got invited to go bowling on Saturday night. When I strolled in, I suddenly felt like I was seventeen years old. Maybe it was all the acne faces I had to push past or possibly the Bon Jovi karaoke, but whatever it was had me thinking "Omigod, totally bitchen shoes" in no time.
Once we settled into our lane by the bar it became apparrant that there were people old enough to vote there. And drink. It was X-Treme bowling night which meant: booze, karaoke, 80's hair rock, black lights only and disco balls. I think the fact that I couldn't see the lane made my bowling better.
In fact, I was terribly excited to see that I still had my bowling mojo. I broke 100 during both games, even with my unique bowling style: fairy skip, hop, hop, curtsey lunge, throw your arm in the air like you just don't care. I look like a total dork but it works.
The next morning I could barely get out of bed, My wrist and ankles were swollen and ached but mostly I was just exhausted. I slept until noon, got up, did some work, then went back to bed and slept until seven. Do I know how to slack or what? At least I have an excuse and can say I'm sick. Otherwise this would be totally pathetic.
But it was totally worth it. I haven't bowled in a couple of years and it was fun having a girl's night out. My friends rock.
2 People have tried to sell me Viagra