Getcher wang out of my garage.
2003-08-17 10:11 a.m.
On Friday I worked late, well five is late for me, and when I got off the elevator in my company�s parking garage I came face to face with a urinating penis. Some latino dude thought that it would be cool to face the elevator and relieve himself all over the parking garage. MY PARKING GARAGE. There was a woman with him who was trying to stuff a wheelchair into the trunk of their car. Normally I have a rather high voice but when I�m faced with a flaccid urinating penis, my voice tends to jump up a few octaves (nearly to the point where only dogs can hear me) and I started screeching: �Are you peeing!? Are you actually peeing in my company�s parking garage!? What the fuck is wrong with you?� He had the decency to stop in mid stream and make a vague attempt to cover up his shriveled manhood. The woman he was with completely ignored me. Either she was deaf or was as horrified as I was at this man relieving himself in the garage. I mean, if you�re going to be disgusting at least turn away from the fricking elevator. I walk past them and around the corner and hear the unmistakable sound of him starting up again. I jump in my car and make sure that I beat them down to the attendant and I rat ted them out giving the attendant a thorough description for our security people. My company owns the garage but some of the spaces are used for public parking at outlandish prices. Gads. What is the world coming to? There�s got to be about ten public bathrooms in a one block radius of the garage. Simon tried to explain that it�s a man thing and also a cultural thing, some latinos he knows have no problem whipping out their wangs and peeing virtually anywhere. Then he told me I should have ran up and maced the guy in the crotch. That�s me, Kungfukitten, defender of parking garages.
1 People have tried to sell me ViagraI want to go home and hug my cats.
2003-08-15 2:35 p.m.
I'm a sucker when it comes to abused cat stories. After finding out about the 26 seized cats I called up the Humane Society sniffling and purchased 40 pounds of cat and kitten food for them over the phone. See, I restrained myself from getting more cats. I'm already two cats on my way to being the crazy cat lady at the end of the street. I figure if I can't adopt them all maybe I can help feed them. If you'd like to feed the poor seized cats you can call the humane society gift store at (503) 285-7722. They sell cat food there. You pay over the phone with you credit card and they walk the food across the hall for the cats. Then they send you a receipt in the mail for your taxes. They get the profit for selling the food and the cats get to eat. *sigh* I want to go home and hug my cats.
0 People have tried to sell me ViagraThe wacky world of insurance!
2003-08-15 11:41 a.m.
As I only had a couple of bucks in my wallet I went downstairs to the company's caf� to browse the offerrings (subsidized company lunches have their benefits). I opted for a diet coke and a slice of pizza. I went to pour on a dab of what I thought was parmesean onto the pizza. Turned out I accidentally poured about five tablespoons of garlic salt on my pizza. I dumped off as much as I could but let's just say I won't be making out with any vampires tonight. Good thing I don't have any meetings scheduled for this afternoon. My mouth is on fire.
One of my coworkers just came into my cube to ask my opinion on a claim file. She's a fabulous woman but not one of our fashionistas but her foot wear was strange even for her. She was wearing one cream colored pump and one navy colored pump. When she saw I was staring at her feet she finally realized she was wearing mismatched shoes. She didn't leave the house that way, she's one of those people that has a few pairs of business shoes in her cube and commutes in sensisble shoes. Unlike me who is slave to fashion and constantly falling down stairs or tripping over curbs.
See what a wacky world insurance is?
0 People have tried to sell me ViagraThe underground calls.
2003-08-14 12:01 p.m.
I've been drooling over the kung fu camp schedule for the last half hour, trying to come up with my plan of attack. There are so many fabulous classes this year and lots of weapon classes. Knifes, sticks, staffs and even guns! Whee! I think I'll do what I did last year and take the last half of the week off work so I can take many classes along with many naps and many ibuprofens. I even have an idea for the camp t-shirt. It's a humorous idea which means it probably won't be picked as the black belts are quite an austere group. But hey, I'll throw it in for comedy relief. I could even make them up myself and sell them on the black market. Just think about it, underground Mo Duk Pai t-shirts. My dragon is itching again today. I'm thowing on a tank top as soon as I get home, this cotton spandex blend is too irritating.
I'm enjoying these terror alerts way too much this week.
Heroin and they symphony.
2003-08-13 11:10 a.m.
As you may know, I have season tickets to the symphony. I was surprised to get an e-mail this morning from the symphony office about a free benefit concert going on this month. Free is a good price. But who was this a benefit for and why? I did some research on Google News and discovered that the first violinist had overdosed on heroin. A bit shocking, we don't normally think about the classical music world being touched by the taint of drugs. Too much chardonnay perhaps, but not heroin. The Oregonian did a thorough story on it here. Read it, it's amazing. He was 32 years old, very sad. The symphony season starts off in September and is going to be very depressing without him sitting in first chair.
0 People have tried to sell me ViagraThe Five Question Game
2003-08-12 1:26 p.m.
Five Questions from Ripe Tomato.
1) You have a penis for a day (yes, attached to your body, no, not in a box or in a jar of formaldehyde). What will you do with it? I'd probably want to take it for a test drive *wink wink* to see what all the noise is about.
2) What is the single cruelest thing you have ever deliberately done to another human being, out of spite, malice, or just for kicks? Do you regret it? A guy I was dating moved into the apartment below mine and I loaned him a bunch of furnature including a futon. I found out that one night he devirginized his supposedly ex-girlfriend on it. Turns out he was playing us both. While he was at work my roommate and I broke into his apartment and stole back everything we loaned him including a few choice items that weren't ours. We put the stuff in someone else's apartment and never told him it was us. Do I regret it? Not really.
3) Biggest fashion faux-pas you�ve ever made? (My uncle said that in the 70s he had a lime green pants suit that faded from dark to light green the further down it went. Can you top that?) Oh, and yes, bad hairstyles and nasty makeup count. I really wanted a pair of black parachute pants in seventh grade. However, when I wore them to school I was horrified at the swishing sound my thighs made as they rubbed together, I never wore them again. I also had an interesting hair cut in eleventh grade where one side of my a hair went to my shoulder and the other side was cut above the ear except for a long piece (tail) that fell in front of my left ear. Luckily I was too punk for the whole mullet experience.
4) Here�s a nice clich�. Describe your most embarrassing moment. I was on a date and thought I was too cool to wear my seat belt. The guy went around a corner very fast trying to impress me. The door to his mustang flew open and I flew out. Luckily the ditch was nicely lined with pine needles. Don't think he ever asked me out again.
5) Tell me something interesting/odd/quirky/funny about yourself that I don�t already know. I often sing pop songs to my cats by replacing all the words in the lyrics with "meow."
So Blogites, would you like to be asked five questions by moi? Then follow these exciting rules:
1 -- Leave a comment if you want to be interviewed.
2 -- I will respond; I'll ask you five questions.
3 -- You'll update your diary with my five questions, and your five answers.
4 -- You'll include this explanation.
5 -- You'll ask other people five questions when they want to be interviewed.
Just call me Fi Fi.
2003-08-12 10:21 a.m.
This morning my dragon is super itchy. It's starting to peel despite my religious use of unscented lubriderm lotion. I love my tattoo. I want another one but I'll try to restrain myself for another five years. Simon likes the dragon design but he still thinks it's too big. I think he wanted me to get a tiny sorority girl tattoo. Initially I actually wanted it bigger.
My coworker just took her father to get his first tattoo. Her father is 70 years old. He got an anchor on his wrist (retired Navy) and kept telling his daughter how cool she was for taking her old man to get a tattoo.
I took yesterday off to clean house, do laundry, play with the cats and catch up on my sleep. This morning was spent reading a bazillion e-mails, returning voicemails and going through my hate mail. When I buy my next house it's going to an unlisted number and address. It bothers me that some disgruntled claimant could easily find my house and phone number. If only they'd let me use my psuedonym, FiFi Meringue, at work. That would solve all sorts of problems. Although I do think it's funny that most people get my gender wrong and are shocked when they hear my squeaky soprano voice on the phone.
Today Sir Mix-a-lot is 40. Please join me in shaking your groove thang to a rousing rendition of Baby Got Back.