When is it my turn?

2005-06-17 10:52 p.m.

3 People have tried to sell me Viagra

Hey buddy, can you spare a life?

2005-06-17 9:48 p.m.

After staring at my face in the mirror for the last hour and practicing every facial expression I have mastered, I have decided that my face is at 95% strength and symmetry. My brows and eyes work perfectly. The left side of my mouth isn't quite as strong at the right, but I figure that will come in time. It's nice no longer being paralyzed and freaked out about my appearance. It's also nice being able to eat without using my fingers. Hurrah, I can eat in public again! My biggest problems are the dry eyes, dry mouth, fatigue and joint pain. The dry eyes is probably the worst. If I'm militant with the eye drops and putting in eye lubricant (sounds sexier than it is) before bedtime, I do all right.

I can't believe it's Friday night and I'm curled up at home with my laptop. I need to get a life.

0 People have tried to sell me Viagra

Why I didn't order a third beer.

2005-06-16 8:16 p.m.

KFK: "I'm glad we didn't eat on the patio. It's pouring outside!"
What I Thought My Mother Said: "Yeah, but rain makes your breasts grow!"
What My Mother Actually Said: "Yeah, but the rain makes the grass grow!"
Waiter: "Another Hammerhead?"
KFK: "I'm going to say no."

1 People have tried to sell me Viagra

A long time ago, we used to be friends.

2005-06-16 11:04 a.m.

Dear coworkers,
Fuck you. I have written openly about my health condition here and have answered co-worker's questions freely when they�ve inquired about my health. I am sorry that I was unable to come into the office for three weeks. I came back as soon as I could with the left side of my face still non-functional. I do not like coming back to work and hearing about all the backstabbing and how I have a "mental health condition," huh? I�m higher functioning than any of you losers. Worst of all, I thought we were friends. Not bestfriends, but work buddies, you know - confidants. No longer. I will no longer drink with you, share my music or listen to your stories. Your forwarded e-mails will be immediately deleted. I will not talk to you unless you�re asking me something work related that I can assist with. I am a ghost.

Here�s why I couldn�t work:
1) Both sides of my face were paralyzed. I was unable to eat, swallow or drink. My speech was slurred. My vision was severely compromised. I had to tape my eyes shut at night with ointment squeezed into them so I wouldn�t get sores on my cornea.
2) I was on high doses on steroids for six weeks, the side effects were no sleep, the shakes, intermittent barfing and weakness.
3) I lost ten pounds in four weeks.
4) My immune system shut down completely. I had a low white blood cell count, high sed rate and high c reactive proteins.
5) I was misdiagnosed and prescribed an antibiotic that I had a severe allergic reaction to.
6) I was hospitalized three separate times. I am currently being treated by four different specialists. They think I have an autoimmune disorder and arthritis. I�m scheduled for more tests which include having my lower lip biopsied.

Comments are turned back on (we'll see if the spamming has stopped) so let the cat fight begin. Hiss!

11 People have tried to sell me Viagra

Thanks for ice pick in the head.

2005-06-12 11:28 p.m.

The majority of Friday was spent on the bathroom floor trying to remove the ice pick that someone had so meanly shoved into my left temple. I think my facial nerves are all twitchy and healing and that somehow triggered a really horrible migraine. The cats kept trying to "help" me by rubbing all over me and walking on my face. I didn't even have enough strength to cry let alone push the affectionate varmints away.

By Saturday I had returned to the realm of the living and Francesca kindly took me on a field trip to Powell's for some reading material, where I purchased mostly historical fiction. I think I showed great restraint by browsing the graphic novels and not openly drooling or taking out a second mortgage.

I spent most of today alternately napping, reading and watching Tivo. I spend the majority of my time in a reclining position. I think this whole working thing will be good for me.

0 People have tried to sell me Viagra

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