Gatitos locos.
2007-01-14 2:22 p.m.

I was sitting on the couch and Loki came running in at high speed jumped up onto the couch next to me and gently placed on my foot a three inch long rusty nail. I'm still trying to figure out how he managed to use a hammer and what exactly he's dismantling.

Trinity on the other hand, is looking for creative ways to stay warm in this cold snap. Her recent invention was to drag the laundry basket over the heating vent, tip it over and crawl inside with the dirty clothes as the hot air swirls around her. Very clever.

Basket Full of Fur and Heat

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All sexed up and no one to le shag.
2007-01-14 2:03 a.m.

I just got finished watching Le Divorce. Tivo taped it for me because Stephen Frye was in it, but he only had an ancillary role as an art dealer for Christies. Kate Hudson was one of the main characters and I generally don't care for her, but I quite liked her in this film. The French make falling in love seem so effortless. Policemen sniffing their coworkers, "What is that fragrance? It's very subtle." To going out to lunch and being propositioned directly about a position as a mistress. No man has ever given me a Kelly bag, although I did score a pair of diamond earrings many years ago. Le sigh.

And thanks to Idiot Milk for turning me on (pun totally intended) to the hottest boy on boy kiss from the BBC series Torchwood. Which unfortunately I don't get on any of my cable channels, not even BBC America. Oh. My. God. It's the hottest screen kiss ever and I dare you to point out a better one, gay or straight. I think one of the most erotic things is when they're dancing, they are the same height and their mouths are right against each other's ears. I don't know why, but I found that terribly exciting. Maybe it's because most of the men I date are an entire foot taller than me. They always have to bend far down or akwardly walk their legs apart and bend their knees in order to kiss me. Half the time they just get fed up and lift me off the ground (fun!). I have fond memories of a certain bench downtown that put me directly eye to eye with the guy I was seeing and sharing a long delicious, it wasn't our first, third kiss. Swoon. I want to be French. Or live in space.

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Doing Things the Hard Way.
2007-01-12 9:00 p.m.

The big event for today was going to be a trip to my local Kwickie Mart. It is still freezing outside and when I tried to unlock my car, I couldn't get the key in the lock. It had froze shut. I stood there for a moment holding the limp keys in my hand trying to figure out something ingenious to do. I quickly nixed my first plan which was to get down on my knees and lick the lock with my red hot tongue but that might freak out the neighbors and visions of A Christmas Story went through my mind, even though I was fairly certain is was all about getting the right hot spit ratio correct. What Would MacGuyver do? (WWMGD) I asked myself. I looked in my purse and found that I had a rubberband, a paperclip, a stick of gum and my blue fire lighter. I put the gum in my mouth, tied my hair up in a ponytail with the rubberband, couldn't figure out what the hell to do with the paperclip so I put it back in my purse, and took out my lighter. This is either going to be the most ingenious thing ever, I thought, or I'll end up burning down my cute little car. In that case maybe I'll get to meet some hunky firefighters and convince them to drive me to the store to buy some Diet Coke, because God forbid, I should go for more than six hours with out some Diet Coke goodness trekking through my veins and if anyone leaves me a comment about Nutrasweet I'll come over to your house and pour Splenda into your gas tank and shave all of your pets. Wow, that was a really long sentence. So I torch up my lock for a few seconds and my key slides in like a knife through hot butter. I pull on the latch. I pull on the latch. I pull on the latch and realize my car door is frozen shut. Okay, enough with the MacGuyver shit, I need some serious tools. I went back inside and got the biggest, longest, baddest flat head screw driver I own. How a unhandy single girl has ended up with over thirty screwdrivers, I have absolutely no idea. Now I'm out at the car trying to carefully pry the door open. The drivers side won't even budge but the passenger's door does that little click and ease thing. I work up and down the door until it become apparant that the bottom is the culprit and finally, with much creative swearing, manage to get the passenger side door open. Have you ever tried to crawl across the front seat of a Mazda Miata to get into the driver's seat? I'm 5'2" and know yoga and it was still a strange contortionistic episode for me. Somehow my right foot got stuck underneath my chin, my elbow between my breasts and my left foot was underneath my butt. Eventually, I got myself untangled. That was the most action I'd gotten in a long time and I felt obligated to buy myself dinner so I wouldn't feel like a slut. Amazingly enough, the car started right up. After a few minutes I was able to get the drivers side door open. Now I had to scrape all the snow and ice from the windows. Scrape scrape scrape scrape. *insert favorite swear word* scrape scrape scrape. Viola! Done. I pulled out across the small patch of ice and then onto the main street. The hilarious part of all of this is that I could have walked to the store, picked up provisions and walked home and made dinner in the time that it took me to get into my car. However, somewhere along the line it became personal. It was no longer about me going to the store. It was about me fighting nature. And I won.

* For everyone who played the comic game the correct answers were: 1) My left hip. 2) Abe Simpson in The Simpsons Episode "Midnight Rx." 3) Chinese - Mandarin, it means "Dry the Glass", sort of like "Bottoms up" Thanks for playing.

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Crunch-o-rama.
2007-01-12 12:36 a.m.

My sleep schedule is all wonky due to pain and general uncomfortableness. I will say that the shots to my wrists have helped a lot with the carpal tunnel type pain. The joint still hurts but I don't have the pain radiating up my forearms, so yee-haw. I finally fell asleep around 4:00am. It was still clear when I went to bed but when I got up around lunch time there was a sprinkling of snow everywhere! It was bright and sunny all day but still cold enough that the snow didn't all melt off. Now it's freezing out again so there's a thin layer of ice over the snow. Crunch-o-rama.

Also, I have a new comic posted. This one is fairly surreal compared to the last one but it's also interactive! Look for the asterixes * and then answer the questions at the end. So feel free to play along!

It snowed today!

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The Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA)
2007-01-11 12:53 a.m.

When I talked to my boss about going out on disability she asked me if I would require any Reasonable Accommodations when I return to work to perorm my job. This is a nice way of saying: "Under the Americans With Disability Act of 1990 I'm required to ask this question." I've been pondering this and have come up with some quite reasonable accommodations that would allow me to work full time in the workplace.

1) I will require an exact replica of my couch in my cubicle, as my couch is very large and L-shaped this will require two cubicles. As I have Seasonal Affective Disorder, I will need a cube by the windows to maximize any exposure to natural light, thus ensuring my mental health. I will also need a 40" plasma TV and an 80 hour Tivo filled with CSIs, Law and Orders and cartoons from Adult Swim.

2) I will rate all the single men on my floor on a scale from 1-10. All men rated a 6.5 and higher will be required to stop by my cube at least two times a day and compliment me. Small gifts such as chocolates, coffee and trinkets from Tiffany's down the street would be greatly appreciated. Back rubs, foot rubs and spontaneous poetry are also expected.

3) I will need my own personal physician who will be very kind and have warm hands. He will preferrably bear a striking resemblence to Dr. House. He will regularly check my vitals, medicate me and give me weekly methotrexate injections in the fleshiest part of my body (use your imagination).

4) I will require scheduled naptimes from 9-11am and 2-4pm, when everyone on the floor is required to unplug their phones, remove their shoes and whisper. This will be known as Quiet Time.

5) An assistant will be assigned to me to do all my xeroxing and type up my letters. He will be named Fernando, have a deep tan, bright flashing eyes and an adorable accent. He will address me as Mistress Kungfukitten and carry me to and from my car.

6) I will require a low calorie, low fat lunches that are exactly 300 calories and made by the best chefs in Portland. No seafood please. I will also need a small refridgerator filled with 20 oz. bottles of Diet Coke, bottled water from Italy and Granny Smith apples.

I really don't think that this is too much to ask. I have worked there for ten years and am sure that I am absolutely indispensible (not) to the functioning of the company. In fact, I'm fairly certain that the company's infrastructure is in complete chaos since I have been gone.

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Stop and smell the cat toys.
2007-01-09 3:49 p.m.

Today was my first real day of disablity. I snuck into the office yesterday to tell my boss that I'd need time off. I'm fairly certain that when I go back I won't find my key card deactivated and all my knick-knacks strewn on the street.

Today my only goal was to go to the grocery store. Not just a quick trip where I buy a Diet Coke, litter and three Lean Cuisines. This trip included important items like toothpaste, toilet paper, candles and donuts. I've been freebasing those cheap old fashioned donuts that you get six of in a cardboard box. They didn't have my preferred brand (Franz) so I bought some which said "Salvation Army" on them. I assumed they were freshly baked, but now I'm a little worried that these are donuts that have been in people's attics and basements since the sixties until they were thrown in a bag with a bunch of old clothes and macrame owl plant holders and donated to the Salvation Army where they were repackaged. Just a thought.

Okay, I just ate one and it tasted delicious. Entemann's were way to sweet, I nearly went into insulin shock when I ate one, but these are just right. Yum yum yum yum. *wipes drool from corner of mouth*

I also bought a couple 'o fur meece for the cats. They were cheap and they smelled good. Yes, I stopped and smelled the cat toys. Loki played hockey with his all around the house and Trin took hers into the cat gym and did some Greco Roman wrestling with it. Mew-jitsu!

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The Christmas Meme
2007-01-09 12:40 p.m.

Mistress Sky has taggedme with the Christmas meme. Zee Rules:

1. Players start by listing three things he/she got for Christmas.
2. Then they list three things they definitely did not want to get for Christmas.
3. Then he/she tags five friends and lists their names.
4. The ones who get tagged write on their blogs about their Christmas wishes, and state the rules clearly.
5. Then tag five more victims. The tagger needs to leave the taggees a comment that says you have been Christmas tagged! and tell them to read the tagger’s blog.

Three Things I Got:
1) The Venture Brothers - Season One DVD
2) The Boleyn Inheritance
3) Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law, Vol. 2 DVD

Things I Did Not Want for Christmas:
1) Fruitcake
2) Ebola
3) Prednisone

Wait, were these supposed to be things I didn't want, but got? If so, ignore the fruitcake (not me).

Christmas wishes: I wish this year I get my health back. I want to go back to advanced yoga classes, where I'm doing one arm handstands and wrapping myself up in pretzel like contortions. I want to continue with improv classes until I'm drafted into the professional league. I wish for security, independence, love and pure joy and I wish the same for you, my friends.

As usual I'm not going to tag anyone in particular but if you'd like to tag yourself let me know in the comments so I can run over and see what you've written!

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Murf?
2007-01-08 6:49 p.m.

I knew he was messing around with the box, I just wasn't paying much attention. He was pushing it around the hardwoods in the dining room. He was meowing alot as he is wont to do when he's entertaining himself. Eventually the meows became kind of muffled and echo-ey sounding. It wasn't until the box with grey legs jumped up onto the couch and rammed into me that I realized Loki had gotten his upper body stuck in the Fed-Ex box. In my defense he sticks he head in stuff all the time.

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Thank You For Being a Cyber Friend!
2007-01-08 11:09 a.m.

I wanted to say a big thank you to Mr. Fab for singing his own version of Kung Fu Fighting with new words about yours truly. It's hysterical. Go listen and say "hi" to him. (There's about 15 seconds of dead air at the beginning, so don't think it's not working when you hit play.) And while I'm pimping, I'd like to point out that Dr. Charles has a new website about scars and stories about how people got them at Eschara. (The word scar is from the greek word Eschara meaning fireplace. I guess Greek people burned themselves a lot on their fireplaces). If you have a scar and a story, consider submitting it to him. Kungfu Recipe is about my training buddy Deb.

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Top Ten HMO Lists
2007-01-08 12:07 a.m.

Top 10 Things I Like About my HMO:

10. Co-pay doesn't make me feel cheap when I get felt up by doctors and technicians.
9. Pharmacy consults count as speed dates.
8. Get to ride around in that cool golf cart with security when I park really far away from doctor's office.
7. Chest x-rays double as pinup model on resume.
6. Needles make me feel heroin chic.
5. Have gotten touched by more people this last year than freshman year in college.
4. When I walk into the pharmacy everyone shouts out my name and waves.
3. Free latex gloves, tongue depressors, swabs and whatever else I can fit in my purse before the doctor comes in the office.
2. Examination robes are A-line and therefore, slimming.
1. Lots of referrals make me feel super popular.

Top 10 Things I Dislike About my HMO:

10. Whenever I call and ask if they've found a cure for sarcoidosis yet, they block my number.
9. Hold music is Zamfir and his magical pan flute.
8. Security won't let me drive the golf cart.
7. EKG technicians get annoyed when you use their leads as pasties.
6. I currently have more holes in my body that an angsty fifteen year old goth boy.
5. Get felt up a lot but no one ever buys me dinner.
4. They take my blood but never give me any back.
3. Phlebotomists get cranky when you call them vampires.
2. Physical therapists don't laugh when you put the physio balls under your shirt and run around saying "Hi, I'm Dolly Parton!".
1. They won't let me take the gurneys outside.

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