I remember muscle pain.
2003-08-30 11:00 a.m.

From the waist up I'm in excruciating pain. I went to the morning kung fu class yesterday and it was primarily an upper body class. We worked a lot of punches into an air shield. The prestige of owning a purple sash is tempered when Sifu shouts out "Twenty push-ups, and oh, purple and above do them on your finger tips." Doing push ups on your fingertips when your fingers are double jointed is strange indeed. It's pretty freaky looking. Then I got to learn three knife counters. Knife counters are fun. Simon wants me to teach him which will be fun until he gets all competetive and inadvertantly hurts me. It will end with me storming into the house yelling "Go play with big mean guys and leave me alone." I'm trying to talk him into going to open sparring next Sunday. He needs to be taken down a peg or two. :)

2 People have tried to sell me Viagra
Weirdest. Spam. Ever.
2003-08-28 7:33 p.m.

From: Isabella Cole [email protected]
Date: Thu Aug 28, 2003 9:14:54 PM US/Pacific
To: Kungfukitten
Subject: Earn profits, earn dark profits.
Reply-To: [email protected]

Welcome to the site http://www.darkprofits.com, it's us again, now we extended our offerings,

here is a list:

1. Heroin, in liquid and crystal form.

2. Rocket fuel and Tomohawk rockets (serious enquiries only).

3. Other rockets (Air-to-Air), orders in batches of 10.

4. New shipment of cocaine has arrived, buy 9 grams and get 10th for free.

5. We also offer gay-slaves for sale, we offer only such service on the NET, you can choose the one you like, then get straight to business.

6. Fake currencies, such as Euros and US dollars, prices would match competition.

Everyone is welcome, be it in States or any other place worldwide.

ATTENTION. Clearance offer. Buy 30 grams of heroin, get 5 free. Prepay your batch of rockets (air-to-air) and recieve a portable rocket-lacuncher for free.

http://www.darkprofits.com

This offer won't last! Only until 20th of August all our clients will also recieve a pack of 2 CDs, with best selection of child pornography.

2 People have tried to sell me Viagra
Bond girl in training part 1.
2003-08-28 9:55 a.m.

It's almost September and that means I'm back to my Bond Girl in training routine. Kung fu 2-3 times per week, impromptu acting classes on Monday nights, yoga on Tuesdays and Thursdays and I'm working on enrolling in Bellydancing classes on Sunday evenings. Do you think the CIA would be interested in hiring me? I speak crappy spanish, can read Italian a bit and can decipher French ingreedients off the back of shampoo bottles. I think I'd make a great agent.

I've driven to work three times this week and feel very decadent. Plus I haven't spotted any one peeing in said parking garage. Another plus. AND the urban savages and street people have not tried to shake me down for money or randomly punched me out at all this week. Primarily because I've been hiding in my cubicle but still...

I need to go out and buy a sports bra that won't rub on the dragon. Right now I own a handfull of racer back bra tanks which are perfect for kung fu. I don't care if my shirt gets stretched out or ripped as I've got full coverage. Plus the tank portion smooths out my midriff. However, the racer back chafes the new tattoo. The problem with most sports bras is that if you're a C cup or higher you end up getting the whole uniboob thing going. The sports bras that take care of that problem either have underwire (not good for fu) or zippers or clasps (also not good for for fu). I need something that is one piece, that leaves my shoulder blades exposed and will make it appear like I have two breasts and not one. I need a personal tailor.

0 People have tried to sell me Viagra
The telecommute is hell. Not.
2003-08-27 12:34 p.m.

On a more upbeat note I just got a tidy little raise and my proposal to telecommute one day a week has been approved. I get to work from home on Fridays and I'll have more money to buy eye-shadow and weapons. Plus there's a kung fu class on Friday mornings that I can attend. Early lunch, ya know. Wait, I know what you're thinking. Three day weekends. Nope. I've been lugging files home with me for months over the weekend. This will increase my productivity. It's win win really. More work gets done and I have one less day stuffed into a cubicle.

1 People have tried to sell me Viagra
Good-bye Bob.
2003-08-27 11:15 a.m.

One of my coworkers passed away last night. When I was first hired here in 1995 Bob was an analyst and I was a processor (read glorified receptionist). One morning I dropped off a file in Bob's cube and said "Gee Bob, you look like crap." He was turing kind of white and said "You know, I don't feel that good." I thought he had the flu and dropped off a file and merrily went on my way in case he needed some privacy. A few minutes later he had a heart attack. My boss ran and got our on physician who consults on medical records who took care of Bob until the ambulance arrived. Bob survived the heart attack and during his recovery dropped a car battery on his big toe. Due to poor circulation he got gangrene and lost the toe. Then he was back to work. He missed work now and then for one ailment or another. I always got the feeling that he preferred being at work than being at home. I got promoted a few times and moved around the department. When I got a position in Training and Development (read powerpoint guru and webmistress) I was working by Bob again, who was our collections specialist. The highlight of his life was getting one of our coworkers labrador puppies a couple years ago. I'd get to hear stories about the dog's first time swimming, first time to the dog park and all those special dog moments. My last conversation with Bob was in the elevator, we were no longer working together, as I went to the legal department, but I got the dog update between the 4th and 11th floor. Apparantly Bob had been in the hospital since August 10th and had been in a steady decline. He was just a few years away from retirement. I'll miss him. :(

0 People have tried to sell me Viagra
I want...
2003-08-26 10:00 a.m.

A butler named Jeeves that looks just like Stephen Fry.
To be able to kick ass like Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
To be published.
To lose 20 pounds.
To be able to sing Italian arias.
To know how to belly dance.
To be a stand up comedienne.
To be the girl that everyone notices when she walks into the room.
To show off my tattoo to complete strangers.
To be able to throw knives with deadly accuracy.
To know how to swing dance.
A tight black latex skirt.
To pierce something.
More Stila eyeshadow.
Breasts that defy the laws of gravity.
To have Keanu Reeve's love child.
To give a graduation speech.
To be able to speak Spanish, French, Italian and Russian.
To be able to read Latin, Sanskrit and Heiroglyphics.
A PhD in Medieval Literature.
To win an award
A wine cellar.
Time off work to write.
To score points in sparring.
Give men whiplash (on and off the training floor).

0 People have tried to sell me Viagra
Jet planes, sexy werewolves, my mojo and emergency holographic currency.
2003-08-25 9:50 a.m.

I sent Simon home to Colorado for a week to give me a break. He�s actually doing much better with new meds and new sense of self worth. Now if we could just find him a job. He�s currently helping his parents set up an e-bay account so they can sell of some of their antiques online. He�s agreed to widen his job search for other states when he comes back.

Saturday I spent the day working on my Sexy Werewolf Novel. I�m just past 10,000 words and am at my first sex scene. The sexual tension has been building and now I feel like I must deliver. Normally I�ve handled sex scenes in a fade-to-black sort of way where the reader has to imagine the actual copulation. (see I can�t even describe it in a sexy manner) But this time I�m going for an intense well descriptive full frontal nudity sex scene with heaving bosoms and thrusting manhoods. I also would also like to apologize ahead of time to anyone who found this page through google.

Saturday night I went out to dinner with Recebecca and then to an uber trendy club, Auora. The hipness level was so high that felt like I was in New York or Berlin. The stalls in the women�s restrooms had one way mirrors so you felt like people were watching you pee. There were also mirrors on the floors upstairs so it looked like people could look up your skirt. I never did verify if those were one way or two way. I was a bit concerned as I was wearing a skirt and peek a boo lace panties. I was hit on by an apartment manager named Trevor who reminded me vaguely of an older version of Keanu. It was nice to know that I still had my mojo but I wasn�t there to hook up. The wine hit me rather hard at one point during the night and Rebecca was kind enough to pity on me and get me home safely. I�ll spare you all the gory details.

Spent yesterday intermittently snoozing on the couch or the bed then ate some fast food for dinner with the last $3 of the emergency money (Simon originally insisted we each put $50 in the emergency fund. I negotiated him down to $40 each and as I have NOT used any of the money except for the said last $3 dollars, I�m thinking someone owes the fund $77) and watched Futurama and the Simpsons while giggling uncontrollably like a school girl.

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