Hippy Watch Part Two
2006-08-26 4:51 p.m.

When you're feeling sick you spend a lot of time at home and get to know the intimate proclivities of your insane neighbors. Ever since the hippies have moved in across the street I've seen some pretty strange stuff. Last time dumbshit hippy tried to climb the electrical pole. Today he's walking around with some sort of weapon. It is attached to a backpack, and actually looks surprisingly like the one the guys in Ghostbusters wore. It makes this "thwok"ing sound when he shoots it. What the hell is that? Is it a paintball gun and just what is he shooting at? You should know I don't live in the sticks, I live in the middle of the fricking city. There are houses everywhere! Someone's gonna lose an eye.

0 People have tried to sell me Viagra
Cats scream but do they dream?
2006-08-25 1:28 a.m.

I was watching TV and idling surfing the internet while Loki was at the end of the couch, casually wrapped around my left foot. His paw was rap tap tapping against me while he slept. Trin was on her mound of cushions, what I call the Princess and the Pea bed, it's a very precarious tower of pillows that she positions herself very carefully on and sleeps there every day. Suddenly our reverie was interrupted by screaming. Cat screaming. My cat! Trin's eyes snapped open and she clamped her mouth shut. She looked around and realized that she was awake and put her head back down with her ears flattened against her head. I didn't know that cats could have nightmares but this one was a doozy.

Being a good mother, I went and picked her up and snuggled her in my arms on the couch. She put a paw on either side of my neck and agressively groomed my chin and hugged me. When I got her purring and calmed down, I broke out the can of Aquari-Yums and hand fed her little fish and clam shaped treats until I thought she'd burst. Loki came over and looked, but he doesn't like cat treats. Chicken yes, cat treats, no. She thanked me and went back to her bed of cushions and fell back asleep.

Do cats dream? I asked myself. What do they dream about? I did a little research and discovered that cats can sleep up to 23 hours a day. They have RPM (rapid paw movement) when they're dreaming. Hence, Loki's tapping on my foot. They are thinkers and learn by watching, rather than by trial and error. They can learn how to accomplish tasks by watching other cats. They can study the kitchen cabinets and figure out how to open drawers one at a time to climb to the top of the counter. All of this takes imagination so it's not a stretch believe that cats have as surreal and imaginative dreams as we do. I blame myself for watching all those scary episodes of CSI tonight. From now on, we'll watch more Animal Planet.

0 People have tried to sell me Viagra
Procrastination at its best.
2006-08-24 2:32 a.m.

Things that you should do today:

* Go to Aural Times and listen to the news. As their editor (also my friend and coworker) says "We sing the news so you don't have to!"

* Have a chat with Alice the artificial intelligence computer entity.

* Download a new wallpaper from Adult Swim. I recommend the new Venture Brothers series.

* Finish the postcard that Opus found.

* Explain why SparkSpark is wearing a green velvet dress and tiara.

* Follow Athena on her quest for Bliss and check out her amazing photos. If you live in Seattle you should drop her an e-mail and tell her where the haunted places are.

* Help Jamie buy a new computer.

* Watch The Punk Group's new video "Tight End Wide Receiver." Watch the other videos too. I like "Fat Girls on Bicycles" I want to learn how to keep a big gulp cup between my tits as I ride around town on my ten speed.

* Analyze your web traffic with Google Analytics. If they say they'll put you on a waiting list, don't worry, you'll get your code the next day.

* Make a cool CD envelope with a pretty picture printed on the outside.

* Watch the Urban Ninja do some amazing kung fu moves.

* Leave me a comment.

0 People have tried to sell me Viagra
My Life, The Musical Version.
2006-08-22 8:23 p.m.

I hop into the elevator at work and hit the close button. I step to the back of the elevator so no one will think I'm a bitch if they make a dive for the elevator and I'm unable to reach the door open button. Sorry dude, I couldn't reach it. I work in the middle of the building which is the top floor for this bank of elevators. The doors slam shut and I'm off alone.

The elevator muzac sounds kind of familiar. Start spreading the news. I do a little leg kick. I'm leaving today. The other leg kicks. Gonna make a brand new start of it. Drop bag off shoulder. In old New York. Spin purse and throw it in the corner. Pull scrunchy out of hair and shake head in a circle. Shuffle kick. Pirouette. Pull cardigan off one shoulder. Shuffle kick. Cardigan falls off other shoulder. Jazz hands! "If I can make it there! I'll make it anywhere. IT'S UP TO YOU NEW YORK NEW-"

*ding!*

Oh shit! Grab bag and purse, return to corner, school expression into that of half dead inside corporate worker bee.

Tech guy steps on elevator. Looks at me oddly. I know he heard some female bellowing at the top of her lungs only moments earlier. We stare ahead pretending that nothing has happened as elevator goes up. "Is this New York New York?" he asks gesturing to the speaker above the buttons. "Oh, is it? I hadn't noticed." I answer demurely. *ding!* We get off and go our separate ways. I start whistling "New York New York."

0 People have tried to sell me Viagra
The Mystery of the Purple Toilet.
2006-08-22 1:24 a.m.

I was sorting laundry and noticed that my toilet seat was purple. At first I thought it was a trick of the light but when I moved in for a closer look, my toilet seat was indeed purple. The Nancy Drew inside of me immediately went to work and I pulled down my pants and inspected my behind in the mirror. Not purple. This is really weird, I thought to myself. Toilet seats are not supposed to suddenly turn purple. The next logical step was to check all entrances to the house to make sure that Barney had not broken in and used the facilities while I was at work. Nope the house is secure. No purple dinosaurs with urinary urgency. I checked my butt in the mirror one more time, just in case I missed something. I had a strange bruise on my right cheek that was a bit perplexing, I mean how the hell do you get a bruise on your ass? It's not like I remember sitting on anything pointy, but I digress. As I sorted my laundry I took a look a the black pants I wore to work today, the ones that I delicately glistened in (girls don't sweat) and thought maybe that was the culprit. I also bought a cute pair of black shorts online for lounging around the house in and couldn't remember if I washed them when I first got them or just threw them on. I'm relatively sure that it's clothing dye transfer from my steamy hot body (hot as in it's been 90 degrees here this week). Either that or Barney has some 'splaining to do.

0 People have tried to sell me Viagra
Da bomb.
2006-08-21 3:45 p.m.

I spent the entire weekend working. Yeah, I know. My commuting bag is ripping at the seams and so is the cartilege in my back, but at least I don't have chest pains because my desk feels like it's out of control. Going on vacation just isn't worth it anymore. In fact, I'm not even sure I'm allowed to go on vacation. I draw the line at being cuffed to my desk, unless the cuffs are platinum and made at Tiffiny's down the street, then I'll consider it. I will need an assistant to frequently bring me 20 oz. bottles of Diet Coke and Lean Cuisine pizzas. That's about all I need to survive on. Sad. But true.

So I was cleaning the house this weekend - quit laughing - and I found the other catnip banana that I was saving for Loki when his old one went stale. Let me tell you, catnip bananas are da bomb according to Loki. When he gets one, he grabs my iPod and this is what happens:

It's totally nuts. Trinity doesn't get the whole catnip thing. She likes the fuzzy catnip toys that she can carry around by the scruff of their necks. I don't know if she's playing mama cat or the great huntress bringing the carnage home for dinner.

Now I'm going to pack up more work and trudge home before I get stuck in rush hour traffic and that road rage kicks in. I get so angry and flustered, I make up swear words. If you've ever been to Portland and someone in a green sports car flipped you off and called you a dorkingfuckhead that was probably me. Sorry.

0 People have tried to sell me Viagra

Previous | Next