Best. Show. Ever.
2005-01-16 11:26 a.m.

C: "So do you like Law and Order or CSI better?"
KFK: "Law and Order."
C: "What is it with you and creepy medical or legal shows?"
KFK: "Oh my God! You know what would be the best show ever? A Medical Examiner who travels through space solving crimes and each week she falls in love, has sex and someone proposes to her."
*silence*
KFK: "Well, I'd totally watch it."

2 People have tried to sell me Viagra
Ice ice baby.
2005-01-15 11:34 a.m.

Porltand is having an ice storm today. It started early this morning. I got up around six and the eastern wind was blowing what sounded like little rocks agains the side of the house. When I peeked out the window I saw that everything was covered in a sheet of ice. There's pretty icicles hanging off my windows. So I'm stuck inside all day. Not that I really mind. My plan for today was to sleep, read and write so I'm right on schedule.

Last night I went to a comedy sports show. The hard part about watching the shows is that I'm no allowed to shout out suggestions as I'm an amature player there. I just get to sit in my seat and whiper quiety: ferrets, clown, hyperactive tree sloths. Then I stayed for the after hours show to watch my instructor. It was "Kent and Phill Do it All!" I thought they did a great job. I especially liked the mafia guy characters. Hysterical!

1 People have tried to sell me Viagra
Itchy.
2005-01-14 12:59 p.m.

I'm sitting here with a dish towel around my neck and some hot pink/burgandy/red hair dye sitting on the uner layer of my hair. My hair doesn't hold red dye very well so I'm trying to do it myself as I'm not schedule to see the hair dresser for another few weeks. My neck itches. With my cape I feel like some sort of half naked itchy red headed super hero. Fear me.

2 People have tried to sell me Viagra
Don't quit your day job.
2005-01-13 10:35 a.m.

I took the afternoon off yesterday to go home and crash on the couch. The cats and I slept soundly for two hours before I finally roused myself when it got dark outside. The gross part of the cold is almost gone, now I�m just exhausted. I�m looking forward to this weekend so I can sleep in and take naps. That sounds pretty pathetic doesn�t it? I�m so not the party animal.

Later on I curled up on the couch with my laptop and a 20 .oz bottle of diet coke and proceeded to nearly loose my mind trying to figure out how to make animate GIFs in Photoshop using layers. After much pounding of head on wall and consuming of headache reducing products, I managed to make this for Angi. Am I cool or what? I can now flatten layers, stack them, animate them, rotate their tires and tell their fortunes in Photoshop. But I won�t be quitting my day job, just yet.

Oh, do you want to know why her nickname is Cingi? It was her drill team uniform. Her first name was embroidered on the chest in cursive and the A looked like a C-I so we started calling her Cingi. I had too many nicknames to list here, some of them not so flattering.

3 People have tried to sell me Viagra
Little black holes in my head.
2005-01-12 9:43 a.m.

I spent all of yesterday in front of a computer at work only to go home and spend all of last night in front of my laptop. I�ve been working on banners, scanning in photos, obsessing over my Flickr account, chatting on Yahoo! with the one friend I have who is who is actually on Yahoo! chat and balancing my checkbook. I feel like my eyes are going to collapse into tiny black holes in my head.

With all the excitement being generated this morning over the new Mac Mini and iPod Shuffle, I found this ad for the new iProduct freaking hysterical. Don�t get me wrong. I�m an apple girl to my worm eaten apple core. I had one of the very first Macintoshes when I was in junior high. I had the Appple IIe and the Apple IIc. I spent hours playing that weird text adventure game. I wrote my very first novel (don�t buy it) on a Mac. In fact, I�ll be leading the iRevolution when it happens. Just like in the Apple 1984 commercial. That will be me throwing the hammer into Bill Gate�s smug face. I want to have Steve Jobs baby. Okay, where the hell was I going with all of this? Oh yeah, I like macs.

2 People have tried to sell me Viagra
Brunchquil, from the makers of Dayquil and Nyquil.
2005-01-11 9:37 a.m.

I woke up in the middle of the night choking. I thought perhaps I had a hairball, then I remembered that I wasn�t a cat and something must be wrong. It seems thanks to Dayquil, Nyquil, Afternoonquil and Brunchqil, that my snot has turned into the consistency of two day old jello shooters and some got lodged in my throat last night while I was trying to sleep. When I started hacking my cats came into the room to lend their moral support � they know how painful hacking up a giant hairball can be.

Now is the time in the sickness cycle for the major throw down. Whose it going to be? Me or the cold? Normally this is when I start rewriting my will and setting up trust funds for the cats and laying out insurance papers so when I die violently of a hairball attack, my loved ones can easily cash in. Not this time. This time I�m in Spawn And Die mode. Normally this happens to my male friends, I have no idea why my hormones are off the freaking charts. I want scratching, biting, hour long, sweaty S-E-X. Yes, I want angry weasel sex before I die.

Speaking of angry weasels, the guy I�ve been seeing just e-mailed all his friend and me saying how utterly cool Kristin Tracy is and how everyone should be reading her blog. No mention of how hysterically funny or cool I am. No, Kristin Tracy. Apparently, she�s da bomb. Kristin, all I ask is that you make me one of your bridesmaids when you get married. For the record - I look fabulous in fuchsia taffeta.

5 People have tried to sell me Viagra
If you love me, you'll click me.
2005-01-10 6:27 p.m.

12% Beer is running some new banner ads. I'd like to think that I was the inspiration for this one. If you see them, give them a click-a-rooni.

0 People have tried to sell me Viagra
Trachea, BYOBagel and Hilarity Ensues.
2005-01-10 12:14 p.m.

You know what�s strange? Eating when you can�t breathe through your nose. You kind of have to chew with your mouth open and concentrate on not inhaling any food down your trachea. This is probably why no one has invited me to lunch recently.

I had a nice weekend and got to spend lots of quality time with my friends which was very good. I even got in some power naps with the cats. It�s getting cold outside so the cats are really into crowding around my sick and feverish body. Sometimes I think I�m nothing more than a mobile cat bed to them. Francesa came over Sunday morning for a power brunch meeting (it was BYOB - bring your own bagel) where we plotted out the Kungfupublishing.com website and then did some creative writing stuff for our writing group. I actually feel like I got something accomplished.

I started an improv seminar on long form last week. Long form is where you improvise a show but instead of a bunch of short scenes it�s all one long performance with the same characters and one plot line. I�m really excited to be in this class, we have a really hilarious group and the instructor is awesome. He really knows his stuff and gives good coaching tips. We might even do a long form show when the class is over. I�ll keep you posted.

3 People have tried to sell me Viagra

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