You are not getting protection money.
2006-07-30 11:40 a.m.
Friday night I get a call. The parental unit is splitting up (just for the weekend, mind you) to hang out with the kids. My dad dropped my mom off last night and continued his trek to Corvallis, lovingly referred to as Cow Valley, by my brother.
Last night we were very girly and discussed skin care and our favorite make up brands. My mother was all about the expensive as hell Perricone and I was turning her on to Bare Minerals. Then we fought over whose skin care regimen was better. I swear by the prescription Differin cream. I hardly ever get zitty. Maybe one a month before that time. You know, when my friend Dot, stops by. However, my mother would easily give away her first born (that would be me) for a lifetime's supply of Proactiv. I inherited my mom's skin and Dad's nose. If it was the othe way around I could have been a god damn supermodel. The shortest pudgiest supermodel the catwalk has ever had to support, but you get my drift.
Right now she's in the front yard destroying all my plants and replacing them with the one's she brought down. It's all about curb appeal, folks. I can only spend so many hours sitting on the front porch in my Victoria's Secret push up tank top.
We went for a walk last night which turned out rather gross and annoying. First of all we were accosted by the eight year old mafia who were trying to sell us some swag made out of "real gold." Necklaces for ten dollar and big "real gold" disjointed poodle necklace for fifteen dollar. I didn't have the heart to tell him that it was gold paint and some cheap ass costume jewelry stolen from someone's grandmother (who's probably now swimming with the fishes if you get my drift.) These are the same urchins that came to my assistance when an unmanned bicycle rolled down the street and rammed into my parked car, giving it a little dent and pain scrape. The consensus was bike belonged to one kid but the culprit was a kid named Brian who wears a bicycle helmet 24/7. "You want us to take care of him for you?" one of the boys asked. "You know, rub him out." His tiny henchman piped up. "What the hell, are you the eight year old mafia? Who even says stuff like that?" I blurted out. I'm surprised they didn't leave me a business card.
Aside from being shaken down by the petite mafia we came across a dead crow and a putrifying squirrel. Gross. We watched some kids play at the small park and dog get hit in the face with a frisbee. I'm thinking he needs glasses, or at the very least safety goggles. Alas, someone else in my neighborhood that should wear a helmet 24/7. I just hope he stays away from my car.
I suppose I shall have to feed my mother this afternoon. What to mother's eat aside from cabernet?
0 People have tried to sell me ViagraCan I get the honey mustard dipping sauce with those?
2006-07-27 11:39 p.m.
I was telecommuting today and had the front door open. I was trying desperately to cool my house down before the sun peeked through the clouds and started turning my home into a Sweedish sauna. I looked up trying to find the perfect word to put in my memo and happened to see my boy cat launch himself through the air directly at the screen door. Whoever claims that cats always land on their feet has obviously never met my cat. The screen acted like a trampoline device and bounced his ass across the room. I went over to see what his damage was.
"What the hell was that all about?" I asked. "Meh." he said, trying to act all nonchalant as he did a quick lick job on his back. He then went back to the screen door and got up on his hind legs. "Eck-eck-eck!" He said pointing out the door. Ah. Snack birds. Those little tiny bite size birds that look surprisingly like chicken McNuggets with wings were hopping around the front yard. "You have a bowl full of dry food and get canned food every night. You're not exactly starving to death." I say. "Eck-eck-eck!" He answered and took a couple of steps back and started shaking his ass which is always a prelude to a launch.
I slammed the front door shut. "Merow?!" "Go eat some crunchies." "meh." I'm actually quite impressed with the tensile strength of the screen door. Kudos to Home Depot.
0 People have tried to sell me ViagraLe Sigh.
2006-07-26 11:52 p.m.
Symptom Recital
I do not like my state of mind;
I'm bitter, querulous, unkind.
I hate my legs, I hate my hands,
I do not yearn for lovelier lands.
I dread the dawn's recurrent light;
I hate to go to bed at night.
I snoot at simple, earnest folk.
I cannot take the gentlest joke.
I find no peace in paint or type.
My world is but a lot of tripe.
I'm disillusioned, empty-breasted.
For what I think, I'd be arrested.
I am not sick, I am not well.
My quondam dreams are shot to hell.
My soul is crushed, my spirit sore;
I do not like me any more.
I cavil, quarrel, grumble, grouse.
I ponder on the narrow house.
I shudder at the thought of men....
I'm due to fall in love again.
Dorothy Parker 1893-1967
0 People have tried to sell me ViagraThings I learned from movies in the 80s.
2006-07-26 12:06 a.m.
You can imagine my complete disillusionment:
* All blondes are whores. Brunettes are virgins and very smart.
* There is no such thing as unwanted pregnancies, STDs or condoms.
* There is no such thing is date rape. In fact, date rape is hysterically funny because no means yes and yes means yes.
* The popular guy who hits his girlfriend will be completely humiliated by the end of the movie because he'll lose her to the geekiest guy.
* The principal hates you.
* Men are rendered completely powerless when exposed to naked boobies.
* Anyone can become an expert at drag racing, karate, skiing or surfing during the course of a Journey or Survivor song.
* Driving a car backwards will reverse the car's speedometer.
* The sheriff is a fat moron who cannot catch you in a car chase and for some reason cannot figure out where you live.
* If you don't lose your virginity before you graduate high school you'll be marked a loser for the rest of your mortal life.
* White boys actually can dance.
* The size of a girl's hooters is directly proportionate to her degree of slutiness.
* If you're a complete loser you can still get laid if you win some sort of competition.
Happy Blogiversary!
2006-07-24 10:40 p.m.
July 31, 2006, will celebrate five years of Kungfukitten! Five years of near daily blogging, or at least nearly five days a week. Some of you have been with me from the beginning. In the last five years I've gotten two sashes in kung fu, ended a three year relationship that started out well then ended when it became apparent that he needed 24 hour medical care, I got sarcoidosis, I celebrated (if that�s the right word) 10 years at my company, I�ve fought with the homeless, started my improv career, written four novels and ridden public transportation. In order to thank you nuts for reading I�m doing a drawing for Two Kungfukitten Care Packages: Inside you will find a large black KFK Pirate KittyT-shirt, little pirate kitty button, little Marae vampire slayer button, a cool mix CD and a sarcoidosis KISS bracelet. How do you win, you ask? 'Tis easy! Just leave a comment on this entry. I�ll do a random drawing on July 31, 2006, and ask for a snail mail address. Now for your reading pleasure here�s five years worth of lessons I learned the hard way. I present you with Things I don�t Recommend Doing:
#28: I do not recommend getting your fan out of storage, turning it on high oscillation while all your medical records are sitting in a neat pile on the coffee table. Holy Shit! It was like a medical tornado. Now I have to put them all back in order.
#87: I do not recommend putting chili flakes on your lean cuisine pizza to spice it up then suddenly decide to put in your contact lenses without washing your hands. Goodness, gracious eyeballs of fire. I'm still crying.
#67: On Saturday morning everything was covered in a thick layer of ice. I started getting panicky about the mailman falling down my front steps, suing me and taking away my house, my cats and my entire collection of Victorian literature. All of a sudden I started channeling my father: "If you ever get stuck in the snow use some kitty litter for traction." I have cats. Ergo I have cat litter. Therefore I am! So I went outside and liberally sprinkled cat litter on my porch, steps and walkway. Viola! Problem solved. Well, what I didn�t take into account is that when I was channeling dad, he was probably talking about the old school clay kitty litter and not Tidy Cat For Multiple Cats Antibacterial Clumping Cat Litter. When the ice melted last night the cat litter swelled to one hundred times it�s normal size and congealed together in a giant slippery, blubbery mass of freshness.
#48:
I left two CD cases in the back of my car today and this is what happened to them. Luckily the actual CDs were elsewhere.
#45: I think you've gone past the point of burning dinner when you take the food out of the oven and it's actually on fire. Now what the hell am I going to eat? Memo to self: do not try to write and cook at the same time.
#156:
I do not recommend jumping into a mosh pit while wearing a pair of strappy high heeled sandals. Sexy, fun but stupid.
#47: I do not recommend accidentally dumping an entire container of salsa over your universal remote. I also don't recommend rinsing off said remote in the sink and washing it with a soapy sponge. The remote is currently drying off in my dish rack and I fear I have killed it. Thank the goddess it wasn't my Tivo remote. (Hey, it still works)