anorexia, jealousy & beer

2001-08-17 3:50 p.m.

I am starving.

I've been doing the good diet thing all week and it's finally catching up to me. The upside is one beer will catch me a pretty nice buzz. But that's all I can afford as I have to get up early Saturday morning and kick some butt.

Went to class last night and I suck at sparring. I'm still not used to the idea of people wanting to hit me. Instead of looking for openings and trying to hit I end up going into a completely defensive zone where I hide behind my gloves and do a lot of dodging. It makes me feel like a complete idiot. It's difficult being small with no reach, it seems everyone has an advantage over me. Jillian punched me in the nose last night, so hard it made my eyes water. I was fine but it still shakes me up when I get hurt. I just keep telling myself I'm paying good money to get hit so I better enjoy it! On the upside I got a good workout and no noticeable bruises or swelling. It's only been eight months. Eventually I'll get the hang of this and do better. I've come to the determination I need to get in better shape. Drop a litte more weight then I'll start working on building some muscle and cardiovascular endurance.

I'm at war with my body. Part of me wants to be tiny, delicate, waif thin. I want to be sexy and model like. The other part of me wants to be a little more solid and tougher. I want to be able to hold my ground, take a punch and be able to hit back with force. I can't have it both ways. I have to find a balance to where I love my body and feel svelte but also have enough substance to gather strength and power.

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